this is off the "hope for today" boy i can see my attitude changing becuz this *take" came completely spontaneous/ from my heart!!!!
Hope for Today - October 22
Making amends isn't about apologizing for every problem. It's about figuring out how a relationship or situation went wrong, determining the part I played in it, and doing what I can to make it right. I knew my father belonged on my Eighth Step list, but I felt furious! Why should I make amends to him? He had raged and behaved violently as an adult child of an alcoholic. He beat, rejected, and then abandoned me. Why should I forgive the perpetrator of my abuse? Besides, he's dead now. What would be the point? I applied a three-part approach. First, how had our relationship gone wrong? My father had been damaged, too. He hadn't asked to grow up in an alcoholic family any more than I had. Expecting him to be a nurturing person was unrealistic. Hating my father and continuing to suffer only perpetuated my problems. Second, what was my part? My father was long gone, so why was I still suffering?
#######ROSIE....well for the our "relationship went wrong" when he began assaulting me......so for me?? i had to work through my horrific pain/ anger/ outrage/ grief, B4 i could even "take a good look" at the devestation of my life....to make amends with me....to be ABLE to take back my life, and to be able to make ANY choices that were healthy.......i CHOSE to recover....it is there for anyone who wants it.......everyone in the world at some time or another in their life gets the "message" about the 12 steps....it is free...we all can afford it.....but so many people like the man described above and my serial rapist father, CHOSE to keep doing their sickness or in my father's case---EVIL....it was a choice!!!! i can have compassion for SOME misdeeds, but what my father did was not only a felony carrying a 20 yrs. minimum prison sentence , but it was a crime against GOD!!!! i chose to stop the dysfunction / evil by dragging my sick/ codependent butt into recovery....work the program...work the steps.....do the time...do the work/ steps/ meetings.....i chose it cause i wanted it (healthy/ loving/ healing living) to "begin with me" the buck stopped with me!!!! it was CHOICE!!! just like it was CHOICE to stop wasting my energy, hating/ resenting the perpetrator and to spend it on ME/ loving ME/ nurturing ME/ working on ME/ MY inventory.....God took care of him!! end of story!!! he is gone!! as my jewish friends say over evil?? " LET HIS NAME BE ERASED"......little by little day by day meeting by meeting i am *erasing his name*
Eventually, I came to understand that I adopted some of his character defects as my own. Third, what could I do to remedy the situation and forgive my father? I needed to give myself what was not in his power to give -- love, acceptance, wisdom, a safe childhood, and a healthy initiation into manhood. It hasn't been easy. With the help of the program and my Higher Power, plus a relentless devotion to hope and the truth, I am forgiving my father each time I give myself something I need or want. In this way, I make amends and improve my life one day at a time. Thought for the Day How is making amends a way to treat myself better? "What relief and acceptance I felt when I embraced and made amends to the person I have hurt the most -- me." *Having Had a Spiritual Awakening . . .*, p. 144
#######ROSIE....i got his blonde hair and light skin....end of comparison!!!! and i thank my HP that i did not inherit the traits of a sociopath!!! even now, as i recover, and i asked my child hood friend who came to my home last week, who is one of the most loving souls i know i asked him "was there ANYthing good about him??"... he looked at me with sadness and said "rosie i saw nothing good in him....we kids avoided him like the plague, becuz we all sensed something very evil about him...so we didn't come around when he was home" that quote was from my friend tom's lips!!!! there was nothing redeeming!!! so i said "yeah, i know what you mean" i thanked him for his honesty and i told him of my work in the program and he told me i was totally diferent from 2 yrs. ago.........i now give MYSELF the love/ nurturing/acceptace that he gave to noone.........something ELSE i learned!!! all this time i have been railing like i was his only victim, and i know without a doubt that i was not!!! however i must give to me what he robbed me of--- love/ hope/ nourturing/ acceptance/ relationship with me-God-Life!!!!! it has to 'begin with me" and it is...... as far as "forgiveness" goes......i took my hands off him and by doing so, allowed God's hands on.......and i said "may his name be erased"!!!! it is done!! it is over!!! now i look to my Higher Power to help me/ strengthen me to give me back what was robbed of me.....i over write his lies with my truth!! that i AM loveable i AM acceptable i AM worthy.....i focus on ME....and what is good!!!!! i am making amends to ME!!!! ..its like i have finally come to the point where, i want peace...i want serenity....i want to spend my energy on me and what is GOOD in life, not what is evil!! it was a *decision* on my part to say "ok, the crying/ raging/ venting/ exposing/ sharing stuff is done....lets get to the what is dear and important to me-----and that is a relationship with me...God...life" i finally *decided* that there is no more room for thoughts of the darkness!!! fill my self up with good thoughts/ happy thoughts and the darkenss cannot come in!! to me forgiveness is to ( in this case ) LET GO!! LET GOD!! WALK AWAY!!! and i am!!! thank you, done
Rosie, I just wanted to thank you for your shares. They are very powerful and honest.
I remember when I first heard "Unforgiveness and resentments are like me drinking poision and expecting the person I'm holding the unforgivness and resentment towards to die." Not going to happen, I'm just hurting myself.
That was the beginning of me dealing with the things that were holding me back in my recovery. Forgiveness is important for me , and I feel so much lighter when I forgive.
I was also told early in my recovery, to talk about what's bothering me until I no longer have to talk about it and it happened. The things I had talked about for years, talked about over and over ,continually, are no longer something I talk about today. The only time I talk about them is when sharing my experiece might help someone else.
