hi everyone, i usually do my shares on the "dailys" taken off the NA/ AA/ Hazeldon , however today i am going to do a share on MY daily....."faith in the process" this is my own journal on having "blind faith in the process".......
as i have traversed in my recovery i have often wondered "is it working" "am i moving forward??" "i dont FEEL anything...whats going on??"
this past 2 days now, have been a terrifice test for me...
my A brother, threatening suicice and i calmly told him that " i am NOT responsible for your choices!! i am not going to allow you to emotionally blackmail me with threats of suicide...IF you kill yourself, i will be sad and miss you but i will NOT take responsibility for it" ..
after i said that to him, i was able to apply the program tools of listening with *loving detachment* and calm him down, get him to agree to begin the meetings again, AND to make amends to the people he harmed during his latest "freak show".....well as of today he has gone to NO meets....NO amends to the people he harmed...ZERO.....did i take it personal???? NO!!!! it is NOT my business...NOT my problem....NOT my inventory...i am FINE with me!!!! i did my best and that is all i could do... i am ok!!!!
the second test and this was painful was my A brother telling a lie to my grandniece whom i am very/ extremely close to, she calls ME "gramma rosie" !! she called me up on my cell yesterday and SCREAMED at me all kinds of obsenities, told me i "f***ed up her day/ weekend" told me to "get the XXXX out of my life!!"... she was vicious and cruel to me and i have been the ONLY ally she has ever had with her acting out the way she has.... i tried to "reason" with her, and she abused me AGAIN and hung up AGAIN!!!
i let the feelings fly-- anger--hurt---sadness-- i allowed my feelings, let them "run the gamut" and than, afterwards, after i calmed down, i wrote her an email telling her that what she did to me was totally unacceptable to me and i accepted that she wanted no further communications with me, that i would "let her go" and say "God bless" and IF we do talk again, i am setting a boundary!!!! IF she wants me in her life , i will NOT allow abuse/ cursing me/ screaming at me/ i will NOT allow that under ANY circumstances....and if it persists, i shall remove my self permanently from her abuse/ destructive behaviour....
i worked TOO damned hard to get where i am to let ANYone "take me down" "drain my energy" "make me feel bad about being me" NOone is going to do this to me...i didn't get into this program to let someone take down what i worked SO hard to build up.... "it AINT gonna happen"
today i feel sad, but i know whether or not we talk again, i will be ok...i am aligned with my HP, i am going to have "blind faith" in this process and i shall/ am taking care of me!!! i will fill this (either temporary or permanent) gap in my life with loving/nurturing me...we always "got together" on our cells on sat night....if she hasn't called me to make amends, i will entertain myself for sure with something positive for me.....THANK you for listening!!! rosie.....
I'm sorry you're hurting. It is unfortunate that family can be so cruel. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to step back and let them make the mistakes necessary for them to reach that powerlessness that they need in order to recover, but it really stinks!
