I am not new to the world of alcoholism--my mother is a sober recovering alcoholic for some twenty years now. Growing up with this disease made me all the more resolute that it would not happen to me, I could handle myself. Well, things happen in life, tragic things, tragic things that we cannot control, that leave us vulnerable. That is exactly what happened to my wife and myself and why I am here now--but not as an observer, but someone who feels he must face his fears. The fear of admitting to myself first and my family that I am an alcoholic and that I need help.
On April 14th, 2004 our lives took a terrible blow. My then 39 year old wife, pregnant with our first child, woke but did not feel the baby move and kick--which she always did. Tammy was worried, as was I. She went into the doctor's office to have an ultrasound, and the worst was realized--our baby Emily was a stillborn and Tammy would have to give birth to our dead baby girl. What made this so cruel was that she was 36 weeks pregnant, so you must go through the entire birthing process. What the hell is that!! How is that fair!!
So for the next three days, my poor wife had to endure the birthing process. But not with the joy of giving birth to our first healthy baby, but to our beautiful dead baby girl. This is the cruelest of things a mother has to endure. Next was the wake and the funeral. That in itself is a very strange thing--to bury your own child, who you never got the opportunity to know. And the last thing you deal with is the grief. The grief is the worst part, and to this day tears at my soul, just writing this letter makes me cry, but strangely it feels good to let it out.
It has taken a long time for her to recover, and she still is. But I think she is dealing with it better than I am. I was so concerned with her needs, that I put my feelings away. I did my best to keep a 'stiff upper lip', and burried my feelings deep, only letting them out in private crys, when no-one was around. To keep it together, I slowly began to drink and smoke (I had quit) to get my mind off of our loss. Slowly I began to drink more, everyday, after work, and every evening. I began to drink scotch, or whiskey, when I never liked the hard stuff. Slowly, but eventually, I started to feel dependent on those drinks. Urging to have it when I got home. And sneaking new bottles in the house so my wife wouldn't know it was a new bottle. This, I know is not healthy behavior.
So, this brings me here, to your forum, looking for advise, help, someone to talk to, because I am smart enough to know that I cannot go at this alone, and must admit to myself and my wife that I have a problem--that I am an alcoholic. I want to be there for my wife and hopefully a child of our own, but I must be there for myself first, quit drinking, and deal with my pain and recovery. Please...any advise would be appreciated.
Well Sean? Welcome. You have taken the first step. Everyone on this board--and there a quite a few of us here--is in recovery--one day at a time we dont pick up a drink, and learn to live sober.
I had to surrender to the fact that I needed help, the same as you have done, and it was something I could not do on my own.
In Alcoholics Anonymous we work out programs individually, and we share our experience, strength and hope with each other.
Most of us go to AA meetings in our areas-where we are met with open arms, by people who have been where your at. So you are not alone.
The first 365 days of being sober, I went to 365 meetings. I had to. I was a very sick guy.
There are AA meetings in your area. There is an AA phone number in your phone book. Give it a call buddy. They will put you in touch with someone who will start you on a new journey.
We are here also to stand beside you with support and understanding. Share with us--become a part of us. You will never regret it.
You will get better--Youre life Will get better. One day at a time.
-- Edited by Phil at 18:37, 2005-07-22
-- Edited by Phil at 18:50, 2005-07-22
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
I'm on my 21st day of sobriety (24 hours at the time) and I just wanted to tell you that Phil speaks the truth. You have done the HARDEST part, you have taken the first step, so get on the phone and call your local AA and take the 2nd one, you will be welcomed with open arms. We've all been where you are now. It can get better.
Keep posting here. These are some AWESOME people on this board. They have been my saving grace thru the last 21 days. They will make suggestions if you need them, they will support you, they really pay attention to what you write, they do not judge and most important they will truly care and love you unconditionally.
Please keep me informed.
May God bless you and your wife. You are in my prayers
hugs to you, my heart goes out to you and your wife, and your baby. I'm sure she was beautiful.
I know your pain, i lost 3 babies. For what reasons, only God knows. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Thanks to AA, i know longer question the past nor worry as much about my future. I've learned to live in the moment, one day at a time, without alcohol and drugs. My name is Wendy, I am a drug addicted alcoholic in recovery. My disease of addiction cost me EVERYTHING but my life and almost my life to. I want to tell you, there is a better way of life. Sober. I'm learning to live life on lifes terms, without the evil crutch of chemicals to hide behind.
I made it through my 410th clean and sober day today. Today I treasure life instead of hating it and wishing it away. Soem of the things I lost are coming back to me, they are gifts.
I have a drunkalogue, like everyone else here. But what I focus on today are the things I have and the things I know I can achieve. Since admitting I have a problem with booze and drugs I've also learned I have a bigger Wendy problem. I accept everyday, I surrender everyday.
I concern myself with not picking up that first drink, today. Just for today, it's really all we have.
My first AA meeting I experienced in detox. I don't remember anything that was said that day. But I do remember people smiling and laughing. They welcomed me with open arms. they told me I was worth saving. I felt at home with these people and today AA is my second home. It saved my life and continues to do so. I will NEVER regret being a part of AA.
I've come to know some people on this board and they truly are 'real' people. I never knew what a friend was until i sobered up. today I don't hang with any of my old 'friends' but I do pray for them that they find recovery.
I'm starting to like Wendy today. have faith in Wendy, even trust Wendy. All because of AA and the people I have met along this journey, my healing journey. Today it is a journey, not a destination. that includes life and recovery. i wouldn't trade where I've been or where I am. I have learned so much, actually the more I learn the less I know.
well, i really only planned on saying Welcome but I sure went off eh?
I hope you keep coming back, and really think on looking up AA in your area. You are the most important person here today, we need you. I'm glad you found your way here.
How is that fair!! 
