i started drinking when i was 15...it was to fit in then and slowly turned into drinking high amounts for no reason, i would black out and wake up wanting to just forget that i could not remember the night before. Now this day i am crushed looking back on people i have hurt because of my drunk nights. My boyfriend doesnt even want anything to do with me, i told him many times i would change, it would only last a few weeks, then i was worse then before. i feel now finally ready to admit i have a problem...just because i dont wake up needing a drink doesnt mean i dont have a problem. but that is what i used to tell myself. i am ready to grow up and live life, not hide from it. i dont want to feel like i need alcohol to have a good time, for the last 6 months when i drank it wasnt even fun, i would start fights and make a fool of myself and the man i love more then anything. i took him for granted and that kills me. i would chose alcohol over him, never again - this is day 2 of being sober.

I  grew up in a military household.  Strangely, we were stationed in the same place from the time I was five until my dad retired from the Air Force when I was in junior high, and we stayed in Colorado after that.  My dad enjoyed a cold beer if he was working in the yard, occasionally had a beer after work or with his poker buddies.  My mom's idea of "drinking" was serving Mogen David concord wine with a holiday dinner.  To my knowledge nobody in my family--even extended family--has ever had a drinking problem.  I once begged for a sip of my father's (rare) martini, and it was disgusting.

I went to high school ON the U.S. Air Force Academy, and at the time there were no women admitted.  It was GREAT for my social life--four thousand young, single guys, all clean-cut and in uniform.  In Colorado they had at the time something called "3.2 beer," which you could legally buy at 18--anything else you had to be 21 to buy.  They served 3.2 beer at cadet functions, and there were clubs for 18-year-olds that served only 3.2 beer.  I got myself a fake ID, and immediately liked the buzz I got from drinking.  There were squadron parties every weekend, and my girlfriends and I (if we didn't have a date) would call around to find out where they were.  The parties were where the REAL booze was, and I took to that immediately.  Rum and coke, seven-and-seven, Southern Comfort--all the sweet stuff that would give you a good buzz fast.  I always overdid it when I drank--and I would often drink myself sick--nothing like getting known as the girl who would wind up with her head in the toilet by the end of the night to make you popular.  And I DID want to be popular--I'd spent most of my life up until high school being one of the "outsiders"--I always had friends, but we were definitely on the lower rungs of the social ladder.  Nerds who were in the school band.  But once I was partying and drinking, I felt comfortable and seemed to fit in with other people who were in the same drunk, silly condition I was.  I could pick up guys when I was drinking.  I LOVED to party.

After a broken engagement that broke my heart while I was still living at home and going to college, I went away to school for my last year and a half.  I met my first husband when he was 18 and I was 20 and we lived in the same dorm.  I think the attraction for him was that I still had my good fake ID and could buy booze.  He was like the most utterly INSANE drinkers you read about in the Big Book.  He could be incredibly self-destructive when he was drunk, which was almost all the time. I couldn't compete with the way this guy drank, though I certainly tried.  When I graduated, he dropped out of school and got a job working for the university, while I moved back to my home town.  We still saw each other every weekend--I would drive up there or he would ride the bus down.  I got a good job and settled down and stopped drinking so much.  It was starting to upset and worry me that he didn't seem able to make the bus ride down to see me without downing a pint of brandy on the bus ride. 

One day I was telling someone at work about how worried I was about my boyfriend's crazy drinking, and she reached into a bookshelf and said, "Why don't you show him this book?"  I'd heard of AA but knew nothing about it, and I took it home and read it cover to cover.  When he came down for the weekend I told him I was worried about his seeming inability to stop drinking, and gave him the book to read.  He read some of it and thought it was interesting, but he wasn't interested in a meeting.  He said he thought he could do it on his own, but promised that if it didn't work out he would go to a meeting.  After a few unsuccessful attempts at quitting, he finally agreed to go to a meeting with me at a rehab.  He thought the people seemed nice enough, but had no interest in going back.  Eventually, I had enough of the craziness, and told him I needed to take a break from our relationship for awhile.  While we were apart, he finally went on his own to a meeting.  That was thirty years ago, and he hasn't had a drink since.

We got married after he was sober for a year, moved across the country because I was going to law school on the east coast (which I now appreciate was a huge sacrifice and risk on his part), and he got involved in AA here.  I didn't stick with Al-Anon because I was in my own little world with school.  For years, I rarely drank, mostly out of support for him.  We didn't keep it in the house, and I would go out for a drink now and then with my friends, but I didn't have the money to buy more than an occasional drink.  I graduated, got a job, we had a couple of kids, and eventually the marriage disintegrated.  I started going out drinking with my friends after work at least a couple of nights a week, and I was feeling very "trapped" in my marriage.  I started to think all my problems would be solved by getting out of the marriage.  I still cared about him, but didn't want to be married to him.  (I still need to examine how much of that was the self-centeredness that is at the root of my problems.)  He was very hurt by my leaving, but he turned to people in the program (as well as a good counselor) to help him through it.  We managed to handle the divorce in an amicable way--the boys stayed with him during the weekdays, and I was able have the "freedom" I thought I wanted.

A few months later, I got involved with another alcoholic (big surprise), and we started drinking together on a daily basis.  I wasn't the worst mother in the world, but I certainly was far from the best--my new relationships--with the man and the renewed one with alcohol--took priority over my involvement with my kids.  I rationalized it that they were better off with their dad--which was true, no doubt, but I underestimated how much they needed me.  Eventually, my new partner became ill with pneumonia and went into acute withdrawal in the hospital.  He literally hung at death's door for a couple of weeks.  His liver and kidneys shut down.  He called me from the hospital, hallucinating that there were cameras and microphones in the wall.  He had to be put into restraints because he became violent in the hospital, and slipped into a coma.  The doctors told me IF he lived, he would need a liver transplant.  When he woke from the coma he was yellow from head to toe.  His eyes looked like they had been colored with yellow food coloring.  He developed ascites (distended abdomen filled with fluid).  After a few days in the hospital's detox unit, where we went to a few meetings, he was discharged.  I had called my first husband in a panic when all this started, and he located my old Al-Anon book for me, and got one of his friends to make a twelfth-step call at the hospital.  I clung to Al-Anon as I desperately tried to maintain my own sanity through this terrifying experience.  Gradually, my new partner got better, and when they were finally able to do a liver biopsy, he was found to have EARLY cirrhosis--as long as he didn't drink he should make a full recovery.  We both went to meetings.  There were a couple of slips, but he seemed to be committed to recovery. 

When my first husband had an opportunity for a company move back to Colorado (which he desperately missed), we all (me, the ex, my new partner, the ex's new partner) decided to move back west.  In a burst of unwarranted optimism, I married the new partner, figuring he was solidly on the path of recovery.  Back in Colorado, though, my second husband soon lost his job and went back to drinking, while I desperately tried to hold things together.  Eventually, I decided I couldn't stand the prospect of another deathbed vigil, and I left the second husband.   I hated my new job, I hated my life, and when I got the chance to move back to New Jersey and go back to my old job, I jumped at it.  My kids were at the age where being with their friends on the weekends was more important to them than spending time with mom (I lived an hour and a half away in Colorado), and we decided that they or I could travel for holidays together.  I'm very fortunate that my first husband and I have remained such good friends--I stay with him and his wife when I go out to be with the kids.  I don't think that would have happened without AA.

When I came back, I started buying booze and drinking at home, by myself, for the first time.  That was the beginning of my "pickle-ization."  I met someone and we moved in together.  He was a winemaker by profession, but seldom drank.  He is a naturally moderate drinker.  There were a lot of stressful aspects to the relationship.  I continued to drink on a daily basis, and soon started hiding my drinking.  I hid bottles around the house, lied about what I was drinking, and basically began to drink in the hallmark ways that alcoholics do.  When he finally got disgusted enough to insist that I "do something" about my drinking, I joined a support group to achieve moderate drinking habits.  Even though I was grateful for the miracles I had seen in AA, including my first husband and many of his friends, I thought that AA was the absolute last resort.  I was sure that I wasn't as "bad" as people in AA, and that I was smart enough to get a handle on my drinking through my own efforts.

I spent four and a half years telling myself I was "working" on my drinking problem.  Even though I could reduce the number of drinks for periods of time, I was still drinking on a daily basis, and not making any real progress.  When my relationship with the winemaker ended (for reasons unrelated to drinking), I was completely on my own and unable to blame other people for my continued drinking.  Eventually I had to face the fact that what I was doing wasn't working.  I could not seem to get a handle on my compulsion to drink, no matter what I did.  I was physically addicted--I would binge-drink on weekends, go through withdrawals on a daily basis until I got home and could get my "dose" of alcohol, rinse and repeat.  I was starting to get some other scary physical and mental symptoms, and I was beginning to suspect I had passed the point of no return so far as drinking went.  My "moment of clarity" came after a weekend binge, following which I had shakes, dizziness, and nausea so bad that I had to have someone drive me home from work.  I no longer had classic hangovers, and this scared me. 

Having seen what my second husband had gone through when he stopped drinking abruptly, I decided to carefully attempt to detox at home.  I allowed myself one drink every several hours for three days.  I planned to have my last drink on Thursday night.  Wednesday I poured out every bottle in the house (I had accumulated a lot of bottles of wine from my years with the winemaker--even though it wasn't my drink of choice, I didn't think it was smart to keep them in the house).  The day after my last drink, I went to my first AA meeting for MYSELF.  I remember I said something like, "My name is Lexie and I think I'm probably finally ready to admit I'm an alcoholic."  On my fourth day sober, I had a sewer back up into my basement, completely flooding it.  At 10:30 that night, four days almost to the minute from my last drink, a neighbor knocked at my door, and put a cold beer into my hand, saying, "I figured you could use this."   After a three-second panic, I politely refused it.  Something told me it wouldn't be a good idea to take it, even if I poured it down the sink the way I did the wine.  My obsession to drink was lifted, and I haven't had a serious urge to drink, since.

I went to 90 meetings in 90 days, joined two home groups, in which I remain active with service.  I got a sponsor, and am finally working the steps with her.  Even though I don't struggle with not-drinking, I know I have a lot of work to do for my life to look the way I want it to look.  I'm grateful that I am no longer enslaved by my addiction to alcohol.  I'm grateful that my life holds possibilities again.  I've been sober for close to two years now, and I love going to meetings.  Life is not all peaches and cream.  I have some big problems (unrelated to alcohol) that I am currently facing.  I know I can deal with them much more effectively sober than I would have if I had continued to drink away the pain of facing them.

I just want to remind everyone that sometimes you carry the message when you don't even know it, simply by living this program.  When I was breaking through my final mental barriers to coming into these rooms, what I kept coming back to was the miracles I have seen AA work in the lives of people I've met.  Thank you for being living examples of the miracles that happen.

Link to original post

Hello everyone...My Name is David and I am a recovering alcoholic. Honestly... I don't know what to say... Moments like these are so difficult to define by words alone, and for this alcoholic were few and far between as well. I walked into AA 11 years ago, with a heavy heart and a bruised ego, shameful of my past and not so optimistic about the future. As you all know, No alcoholic can achieve any success, in sobriety, on their own terms and conditions and if my disease were left unchecked, either would I as well. So, it came as no surprise, that I remained in a state of limbo for so many years, never staying focused long enough to experience any lasting sobriety. You see, I never fully grasped the intense struggles and inner turmoil that defined this alcoholic. The blessings, promises and reassurances afforded to recovering alcoholics were nothing more than a silly pipe dream to me. Thank God, though, his ways aren't my ways and his thoughts my thoughts. By letting go and letting God, I began the sobering up process once again, far away from the comforts I was accustomed to for so long. Though, I came back, this time, for all the wrong reasons, I sobered up, surprisingly, for all the right ones. One of my greatest fears have always been, the prospect of living life on lifes terms void of alcohol. When trials and tribulations would rear its ugly head, there would be no other possible choice, for me, in dealing with these frustrations, other than drinking. However, through the sobering up process, I began to acquire the tools necessary to maintain a comfortable sobriety. What I've learned and experienced in the past 11 years, has given me an immense sense of gratitude for today and promising insights for tomorrow. I've been given a second chance that so few alcoholics can enjoy, one day at a time. The friendships I've forged in sobriety are priceless, and the insights I've gained as well, have helped me immensely during this sobering up process. The Shred of hope I've clung to throughout my 9 years, have been, for me, a Foreshadowing of the grace to come, and a greater glimpse of my probable future in sobriety. Of course, none of this would be possible for me, if Sobriety doesn't remain my priority. It has for today, and for that, I thank my higher power, whom I call Jesus Christ and all of you.
God bless.

My name is Wiley and I'm an alcoholic. I am a 54 yr old white male, married, with three children, of which two are adults, 28 and 31, and the 'baby' is 15, a junior in high school.

I was born in Detyroit, Michigan, the third of five 'natural' kids, plus two more were later adopted when I was about 14 yrs old. My mother was a housewife and my father was a career Detroit police officer after serving as a US Marine in WWII. Both parents immigrated to the US as children, my mother with her parents from Ireland, my father with his from Scotland. Both my grandfathers were alcoholic. My maternal grandfather was unknown to me, having died drunk when I was a year old. My paternal grandfather drank until age 70, then quit after embarrassing everyone at my sister's wedding. He remained sober till he died 7 yrs later. My father said he refused promotions in the police department so he could stay on precinct patrol, the better to 'keep an eye' on his drunken father, my grandfather. Alcohol had great negative effects on me and my family even before I took my first drink.

When I was about 12 yrs old my family moved to a small farm town in central Michigan, population 1800, when my former school in Detroit held 2400 students. From inner city to working farm brought on culture shock to say the least, but we adjusted and it was an overall good thing. I learned the meaning and worth of hard work, and developed a love for animals and nature I carry to this day.

I did well enough in school, got mostly As, and played on various sports teams - football and wrestling mostly. I took my first drink in 1970 at age 15 after accepting a ride with some 'older' boys (16, 17, 18) who were out 'cruising' town on a Friday night and gave me a couple beers. I mostly pretended to drink the horrible stuff, spitting it out surrepticiously when I could. I got mildly drunk on the equivalent of two beers. Within 6 months I became more and more a part of the local teen crowd, all of us newly mobile with driver licenses and cars, and began to drink more and more often. By age 16 I would drink up to 6 beers on a given night, usually on the weekends as it was hard to get away from parental oversight, especially since my father left the Detroit PD and became the town's chief of police. It was during my 16th year that the 'party mode' got fully implanted in me. By the end of that year I could drink as many as 8-10 beers, though it made me stupid drunk to do so. I also began smoking marijuana, but had not yet begun other drugs. None of this had any noticeable negative effects as yet. I kept my grades up and continued in sports.

By my senior year - 1973 - I was probably drinking alcoholicly. I was always the 'last guy standing' at a beer party, the guy known to drink the most, an 'achievement' for which I was notorious. I typically drank 12 beers or more, smoked unknown amounts of marijuana, on a given party night. Throughout high school, most of us poor boys 'knew' we were going to Viet Name upon graduation and didn't make many plans beyond having a ball before we went. The draft was ended however, and I did not have to go. I quickly made a plan to attend school at a small Michigan state college. I went to do two things: play ice hockey and party. My program of study was chosen with this in mind. I took a technical program because most of the work was done in afternoon labs - no homework and no getting up early. My drinking got worse and worse, marijuana always present, and I added new drugs: amphetamines, mushrooms, hash, and hash oil. After a year, I settled on alcohol as my drug of choice, though marijuana was always present. I slacked off the other drugs. After two years of college, a knee injury cost me my walk-on scholarship as a hockey player, and I never made it back to school for my junior year - no money and too irresponsible to save it or secure a student loan. My father had retired and bought a bar where I went to work as a bartender and weekend bouncer. Already an alcoholic, the fox was now in charge of the henhouse.

To forestall a drunkalogue, let me state simply that the next 7-8 years were a foggy haze of ever-increasing drinking and carousing. Where my previous antics had been in line with typical teen alcohol-induced rowdiness, an ugliness began to settle in, and I became a constant bar-brawler and violent trouble-maker. Legal problems forced me to leave Michigan, and further drinking wherever I went led to further legal problems and additional moves to stay ahead of John Law. I went from Michigan to Ohio to Oklahoma to Texas to Oklahoma to North Carolina before age 28. From age 18 to 28 I was arrested over 30 times for the expected charges: DWI, drunk and disorderly, failure to appear, asaults, assault & battery, etc. From age 18 to age 31 - 3 yrs after I got sober - there were bench warrants out for my arrest somewhere in the US. I'd been shot twice and cut too many times to count. I left behind two broken marriages, with a child left behind in each. I owed $17,000 in back child support and hadn't even filed taxes in over 7 yrs. Though I knew at about 21-22 that I was an alcoholic, I did nothing about it until age 28. Anyone who voiced to me their belief I was an alcoholic was verbally or physically slapped down. When I began drinking in earnest at age 16, it took all noght to drink 6 beers and get drunk. I spent the last two years (26-28) drinking at least 12-16 beers every day, and at least twice weekly up to 30 beers, smoking grass all the while. To quit drinking meant to go into physical withdrawals within 12 hours: sweats, shakes, vomiting, etc.

I spent the last six months of my drinking homeless in Oklahoma City. I 'lived' in an abandoned garage behind an empty house. I had to wait till dark to sneak in or out, so close were the neighbors. I finally ran out of the ability to keep the alcohol coming and went into hard withdrawals. By ways still unclear to me I ended up in a local ER where a sister living in North Carolina was called by the OKC police and ER staff. The next day after medical detox I went by one-way ticket on a bus to North Carolina where I stayed with that sister and her husband whom I'd never met because I was in a drunk tank somewhere when they got married. I arrived in NC in Oct 1983, supposedly to make my stand, quit drinking, and start a new life. This attempt at sobriety lasted less than two weeks - my sister's husband became my new drinking, grass, and party best buddy. By summer of 1984 I had racked up 6 new charges in NC and was at the very end of my rope, too sick and tired to make another dash for the border and greener pastures. I ended up in a government rehab detox ward for two weeks and upon my discharge was handed over to local police. My charges were combined and I was given a 7 yr prison sentence. I appealed it and somehow got 10 yrs intensive probation instead.

I did not drink or smoke dope, but only because I was giving urine samples every other day. I attended very few AA meetings, only when pressured by my PO. However, after about 9 months of this white-knuckle, torturous, forced abstinence, I noticed something on my walk to an AA meeting, still attending only to please my PO. I noticed that after many months of thinking about taking a drink constantly, I now couldn't recall the last time I'd had the urge. It had only been a day or two, but that seemed a lifetime after constant hourly cravings. This was my first awareness that yes, sometimes the things they promised in these damned AA meetings do come true. It gave me strength and a more honest, internalized motivation to stay sober took root. I began taking the Antabuse I'd earlier refused. I began attending meetings more often, because I wanted to rather than was forced to. I began listening, even sharing once in a while. Still too willful, I continued in AA for another year before obtaining a sponsor - but I luckily chose a good one.

She tore me up, seemed to understand my street tough, jail rat personna wouldn't be dented otherwise. I'd heard I should get a male sponsor and truly cannot recall how I ended up with a female sponsor, but we joked it 'counted' because she happened to be a lesbian. But yes, she tore me up, never let me float any bullsh*t, or displace blame or responsibility on anything or anyone but myself. She corralled me into and through the hard work, the tough stuff, the Steps, but always leaving it up to me whether to keep going. She explained how it is no good to think about shovels or look at pictures of shovels when I want to dig a hole, that the hole doesn't get dug until I pick up the shovel and start digging - her way of teaching me that you can't think yourself sober, that you have to work yourself sober, i.e., Don't Think...DO. I didn't know until another year that she was a counselor at a local treatment center. She'd suggested I accept requests to be a sponsor to others when they first came up when I was 2 yrs sober. After another year she said I showed the makings of a good counselor if I was interested. At 42 months sober I became a substance abuse counselor and remain so to this day, a 24 yr career and still going.

AA made all the difference. Immersion among other alcoholics - recovering alcoholics this time - was invaluable. I didn't have to make all the mistakes, alone, by trial and error, if I could only trust their experience, strengths, and share in their hopes, if only I could follow the AA steps method. I did, and it paid off, big time. At first I attended AA about 5-6 times per week. This leveled off to about 2-3 meetings per week after 5 yrs or so. Now I attend 1-2 meetings per week. I still use a sponsor (though my original, life-saving sponsor died many years ago), and I serve as a sponsor to several young men, most of whom with violent drinking histories. I could not bring myself to take from AA when I needed and not sticking around to give back. I don't lie and cheat, fight, etc., anymore because I don't have to.

I am now married for the 4th time, but this time for over 16 yrs. We are happy, living in rural North Carolina on a beautiful, slow-rolling southern-style river. I met my wife when I was already over 10 yrs sober. She cannot conceive of a drinking me. I am peaceful in my heart and soul and serenity graces all. I have long since forgotten what a hangover feels like.

I have not had a drink since August 16, 1984, and I intend not to drink today. As for tomorrow - I'll worry about tomorrow in the morning.

Hello I am new here. I took my 1st drink at age 14. Kept drinking until I became pregnant with my 1st child at 19. I managed to get out of a extremely abusive marriage by the time I was 22. By that time I had 2 small children. My divorce was very stressful and I started having a glass of wine at night. I felt like this turned off my mind and allowed me to relax and not think about all the things that bothered me. I was a single mom, in school full-time and lacked a good support system. I ended up getting 2 degrees and I have a successful career. Over the years, my drinking has increased substantially. I would drink till i passed out or I would blackout. Then I would feel so depressed about my excessive drinking that I would again turn to the bottle. My last drink on July 10th 2011, consisted of a bottle of red wine and a entire liter of Vodka. I woke up the next morning still drunk and when I looked at how much I had drank I was shocked and ashamed. I drank so much that it caused a intestinal bleed. I was also supposed to work which I would be unable to due and would put my career and licence at risk. I know at this point I have a severe illness and and am working on bettering myself, because I can see at any moment my life can be destroyed over my drinking.

God Bless

Titus

Hi all,

I'm Mike, a recovered alcoholic and new to this forum. I am sure I will learn plenty and hope I can contribute a little.

I was one of those hopeless cases, beyond human aid and at death's door when I crawled into AA. I was one of the stupidest people ever to grace the rooms, I had lost the ability to reason and could barely string a sentence together. I had no understanding of, and had never shown any interest in, matters theological or philosophical, relationships or how the world worked. My life from 13 to 22 was largely one of self gratification in a cloud of ignorance.

I was in AA about 6 weeks before I could say the serenity prayer without reading it. Memories of my first meeting are of a man called Joe with a bright yellow bush shirt and a big smile and he made me welcome -  a new experience for me. I felt little but shame and remorse as I sat in the back row looking at the floor and hiding from the chair, hoping I would not be asked to speak. If asked I declined saying I preferred to listen.

Somewhere I got the idea that I might learn by listening. I looked for the similarities and found plenty. I knew these people had been where I had been, so there wasn't much new or helpful that I could tell them. They'd been there, done that. But they had something I didn't have. They offered me hope of a better life, actually a life beyond my ability to imagine. And they told me the fastest way to get there - the 12 steps.

One small problem, the steps were beyond my understanding, I lacked the knowledge and experience. But they told me not to worry, that I needed only three things, honesty, open mindedness, and willingness, but these are indispensible. Well I was about as willing as only the dying can be, and I could manage at least some of the other two. And the miracle of my journey in sobriety began. It is amazing what a little honesty,open mindedness and willingness can bring.

Fortunately I landed amongst real alcoholics and they saw my desperation and took me through the steps quickly, before that "window of opportunity" had the chance to close on me. So in a few short months the drinking problem was solved, the desire to drink was taken away. But there was more to this programme. As I tried to live the steps my life just got better and better and within two years I was living a life so much better than my wildest dreams, I was starting to get what you have.

I guess I rejoined, or maybe joined for the first time, the human race. I became part of the community, I had a job with prospects, I had hobbies and interests on the outside, and I was part of this amazing fellowship, and the greatest joy of all was to be able to help in a small way, the still suffering alcoholic.

After a few years I married and have two beautiful children. We were married almost 20 years when my wife passed away after a long battle with cancer. In this and other perhaps lesser crises in my life I was able to cope, to instinctively handle situations that would have baffled me, without even the thought of a drink. That problem was solved by AA long ago, contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, it does not exist for me. Working the steps to the best of my limited ability, and it has been very limited at times, enabled me to cope, with God's help, with practically anything that life threw at me.

I came to AA as an agnostic. This was based purely in prejudice and ignorance, I had never bothered to give the matter any thought you see. But through the steps I have been able to find the proof I needed of the existence of God, as I understand Him and have developed an abiding faith based on actual experience. I know I have nothing to fear and no matter what happens, it will be alright in the end. For me this is a fact, just as it is a fact that the 12 steps made it possible for me to develop this faith.

I feel grateful too that the oldtimers that helped me seemed, in hind sight, to be practicing the long form of the third tradition. When I arrived in the fellowship I was desperate alright but I hadn't the sense to know that stopping drinking was part of the answer. So I had no desire to stop drinking, infact quite the opposite. On the short form I would not have been eligible. But it was obvious to them that I was suffering (badly) from alcoholism, and they took me to their hearts.

Those oldtimers were wondeful to me. Although I was 22 and they were mostly in their sixties and older, our stories were very similar, and I learned so much from them. The principles that worked for them worked equally well for me, there was no genrational gap so to speak. To the openminded, the prinicples of AA's 12 steps transcend all ages. And these folks walked the walk. It always amazed me how they, and some of them were leading dignitories in our town, would spend time talking to me, who looked like the "Wild Man from Borneo" with no other motive than to help me get sober. What kind and generous men and women they were.

Now, about meetings. I went in for the 90-90 thing as it was suggested and, while I have heard some contrary views, I found it to be helpful. It gave me a place to be each day and let the fog lift enough for me to get a glimpse of what you had, and to make the decision to got to any lengths to get it. I also got the message about prayer and sponsorship and was blessed in both areas. But somewhere there my path diverged from many of my contemporaries. I took oh so seriously the requirement for rigorous honesty, and the need to be fearless and thorough from the very start, that the steps became the priority and as they worked their magic, balance began to come into my life for the first time. Family, work, social, AA. I felt I could face the world and didn't need to be hiding in AA every night.

I don't think I have ever come crashing into a meeting demanding to share some immediate life problem. Although I have problems outside like everyone else they just don't come to mind when I am in a meeting. Instead I listen and try and contribute something of the solution that might help someone. I heard a saying "take your problems to your sponsor and your solutions to a meeting" - quite good advice really. Besides all my life problems are minor when compared to the importance of the new comer hearing AA's life saving message (and not my trivial problems)

I have noted concerns about the current state of the fellowship and the dangers to alcoholics of my type when sponsored or advised by those who don't have the same imperative to live the steps. These days I would be less inclined to suggest 90-90 to a sponsee and more inclined to spend more time with them working on the basics and perhaps giving them a better idea of how AA works.

I mentioned my contemporaries earlier and as I write, four come to mind. This group has quite a few things in common. They all came to the fellowship about the same time as me or a little before, they all went through the same reputable treatment programme( I didn't), they all tried to help alcoholics, especially others who have been through the same treatment programme , they all helped me in different ways, they were all nice deserving people, they all attended way more meetings than me, they are all still attending meetings, they all have issues with the steps thinking they are out dated or not applicable in their entirety and they have all failed to maintain a continuous sobriety. Although we are all a similar age they all look a good 10 years older than me. They have shown me again and again that, for alcoholics of my type, there is no way around the steps. Meetings alone just don't cut it.

God bless you all

Mike H.

My Story:

Ever since I was a child, I was always told about the Evils of Alcohol and Drugs, but starting at the Age of 17, I turned my back on everything I had learned, and dared God to prove me wrong.

Coming from a religious home, with two brothers, and two sisters, I was the youngest of 5. My father was a devote Christian, we attended church every Sunday, and Wednesday night. I was taught to Respect and fear the word of God. My parents never drank, or even exceeded the speed limit. They did everything they thought was right in raising us, but that didnt stop me from experimenting with Marijuana.

I remember the first time I tried a Joint at the age of 17, I had the feeling that I never had before, I was downtown at the McDonalds going to get a Bite to eat after smoking the Joint, not thinking it did anything to me, I started laughing uncontrollably, and thus started my addition to Drugs. Alcohol soon followed, and I found I loved the feeling of them both. From that point on, every chance I got, I would get stoned. I had a part time Job and going to high school, living at home in the basement of my parents house, I had access to the money necessary to buy drugs and booze, and a car of my own to get to the next party. Every weekend, I would pick up my friends, and look for the next party.

After some time, I discovered a new feeling on Marijuana: Paranoia. I would be driving my car when I got stoned, and suddenly I was scared, my heart racing, and could not wait to get out of the car. The feeling would pass after chasing it with a couple of beers to get me started. This should have been my first clue I was heading down the wrong path, but I usually shrugged it off as the case of the Jitters, and my friends told me that it was normal. Paranoia would happen more and more often, but I found that If I started out with a couple of beers, the feeling would not always happen. This started my love affair with Alcohol. It made me feel like I had no problems, always in control.

In my early days of drinking, I would often over Indulge, and have to throw up, but after some experience, I learned to control this by slowing down my drinking, and keep a slow steady buzz. I found there were times when I drank too much, and I would blackout, not remembering what I did the night before. Some nights I would arrive home after a party, not remembering driving home, or driving down the highway 100 miles per hour at 3am rushing home. At the time, this seemed perfectly normal.

Remarkably, I graduated High School,I quit smoking for a period of time after getting arrested for Possession of Marijuana at the age of 18, and got an Associates Degree in Computers at the age of 21. I got Married at Age 23 to my first wife Megan, and had a son Elliot out of the Marriage (I also had a son Jason out of another relationship that I never acknowledged until later in life). I managed to get my dream job of Computer Programmer still partying on the weekends with my wife at the time. The Disease was still progressing at this point to where I needed something Better, so I tried LSD for the first time. Nothing bad happened the first time I did it, but the 2nd time I had a Bad Trip in which I felt that Paranoia again, but this was 100 Times worse, I thought I was going to have a heart attack, and I started Hearing Voices. This started a Mental Illness that has never completely left me from that day on. Each time I tried to Smoke weed after that, I would be brought back to the Paranoia that I felt on that bad acid trip, so I stopped Smoking again, but this time I started to drink, and every day.

Somehow I managed to move to St Louis, and get a better paying Job, and was hospitalized probably within a couple of months of moving there with Psychotic Depression. The Marriage was starting to have trouble at this point, and instead of trying to work things out or see a counselor, because of the voices, I got a divorce from my wife. The Voices were my subconsciouss minds way of telling me I had problems I needed to face, but I never looked at them that way at the time.

Then I met my 2nd wife Denise, which I am still married to this day, we both liked to drink, and the party was on every night. I drank every day starting from the time I got home, until I passed out, while taking my medication for my depression as well. My wife quit drinking after almost dying of Pancreatitus, which most likely was caused by alcohol. I should have taken that as a clue myself, but I continued to drink, now being isolated, and many times drinking by myself at home. I continued to get worse, and drinking not only beer but hard liquor every night as well. I would go to work many mornings with a hangover, and go into full scale anxiety attacks, which later I learned as being my body withdrawing from Alcohol.

This continued for years, and several hospital room visits for heart palpitations. Missed days at work, Later Arrivals, and Leaving Early from work because of my Anxiety Attacks were taking their toll on my performance, but I had a good boss, and they never dismissed me for any of this. I started feeling really depressed, and didnt really care what happened to me anymore. I started smoking weed again, and then things really spiraled out of control. Drinking was becoming a necessity, but I lost that good feeling I used to like about it. Then the night came where I made the 911 phone call that changed my life. At the time, I thought my life was over, and had no hope, I called 911 and said I was going to hurt my wife, daring the police to respond. I took my 12 Pack of beer with me into the basement, and started drinking one after another until the police arrived to get me. By sheer luck, or my wifes good thinking, they sent me to the Hospital Instead of Jail. It was there that I wore up the next morning under observation, and not allowed to leave. I would spend another week, and two more weeks in outpatient treatment, and I started attending my first AA Meetings.

At first, I thought that I would just stop the Alcohol, but continue to smoke weed, I smoked once after leaving the hospital, and before my first AA meeting. But something happened to me in my first AA Meeting that I never expected. I starting telling other people how I felt, and I knew from that point on that I would stop everything. My problem was not Alcohol, but all my Addictions. The first 30 days was hell. I thought about wanting to drink every day, but I learned something in the program that I thought I would never do. I put my trust in God, and took one day at a time. I dont think I could have stopped drinking if it wasnt for God helping me.
Every day is has gotten easier, and I am starting to find that I can have fun without Alcohol or drugs. I am learning to deal with my problems instead of running from them like I did for all those years. I am realizing all that God has done for me in my life by blessing me with my Wife, Sons, Stepchildren, and even grandchildren. I have learned do deal with life on Lifes Terms, and not my own, and if there is a problem I cant handle, I will leave it up to God. I am learning things about myself that I never thought possible, but this would not have been possible if I continue to drink or drug. I do have problems, and my Mental Illness gets me down from time to time, but when it gets to be too much, I spend time talking to God in my own way, and things get better. I cant explain it, but God is doing for me what I would not do for myself. I have the feeling now that No Matter what happens in the future, I will be okay. Thats something that I could not have said before.

Dan B's story


Hi Im Dan and Im an alcoholic.

I came from an alcoholic family.My father was an alcoholic and most of my siblings, there were 7 of them, could be in the program.Other than that my life to me seemed normal.I didnt do well in school I had friends and was involved on sports.But there seemed to be something missing.For as long as I can remember I wanted to drink.My use history is not important they are all basically the same so I will minimize the time spent on it.The first time I was able to drink the way I wanted to I was 13. It was a party at my parents house.I felt as I fit in with my older brothers and their friends, life couldnt be better.I woke up the next morning so sick I didnt know if I would live, but the only thought I had was I cant wait to do that again.From that day on until I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that is exactly what I did.And I must say that after getting the taste it was easy to find.I also indulged in drugs anything and everything.If I could get high I would take it, but alcohol was always my favorite.As my use increased and there were consequences I began trying different thing things to control or prove I didnt have a problem, if only to myself.One of my cures was the geographical cure I didnt move far just across town but I didnt tell my friends where I was, it was their fault I drank like I did anyway. However after doing the same things only with people I didnt know, waking up to strangers passed out on my floor I decided I may as well drink with my friends.The geographical cure didnt work.I tried the controlled drinking.Go to a party and only have one or two.Great I did it now to go home and celebrate. I was a very bad boyfriend/fiancé.I slept with most of my girlfriends friends while engaged.

The first time I thought that I had a problem was in 1974.A friend and I took a couple bottles of my homemade wine a bag of pot and went to my parents cabin for the weekend.On a Saturday we started drinking at a bar leaving in the afternoon I fell down in the doorway and couldnt get up my friend couldnt help me up so the bartender picked me up and put me in my car.We proceeded to several other bars.Along about closing time I proposed to a waitress that I met that night, she agreed.I had it all figured out.She had 2 jobs and her dad had a place on the lake with all the toys.She could take car of me and I could stay drunk all the time, what a perfect plan.We went to the courthouse the next morning and filled out the paperwork.Had we been in a state that you didnt have to wait I would have been married.However after getting somewhat sober I did not want to get married.So I pulled the alcoholic trick sent her on her way told her I would meet her in the cities and never made the call.I thought that this only happens in the movies so I must have a problem.My solution was to buy a horse because then I would have something else to do besides drink.Well I found out you can get just as drunk riding a horse.My solution failed.It took me nearly another year to find my way into detox and treatment.I never got a DUI, they were hard to get in the 70s.I would get stopped for something so drunk or high that I could hardly stand and be told to take it easy go home and stay there.

As I had signed myself into detox I could have left at any time, I didnt know this and they didnt tell me.I stayed in this wonderful place for a week.Now detox then was not a pretty sight.There were no meds you walked around shaking puking and suffering.After a week I went to a treatment center it was a 2 week in and 2 week out.I was terrified to leave as I only knew one way to live on the streets.I had lost my apartment and most everything I owned, except the horse.I had had some money from an insurance settlement and a decent job for a while but nothing to show as I drank and used up all I ever had.They let me stay inpatient for another week then to a halfway house.

I will never forget my first AA meeting.It was the same as the first time was able to drink the way I wanted to drink; I found a place I belonged.I was in the fellowship. I had 2 sponsors, went to a minimum of 3 meetings a week and life was great. I stayed in the halfway house for 9 months; they finally suggested that I move on.I moved into a house with 2 other members of the program.Several months later I and one of the guys moved.It was away from where I had been I didnt find a new meeting and started to see my old friends, my roommate was doing the same.It wasnt long before I was acting the same as I had when I was using, I was the same person just dry, not sober dry.One night one of my old friends came in and gave me a fifth of whiskey, previously he had been telling me how good it was that I was clean as I had a problem.As the only thing missing was the drink I added it back in.But for the grace of God I only used for 2 weekends.The second weekend I woke up on a Sunday morning and I was sick, I never liked being sick.I was a daily drinker drink in the morning and you dont feel sick.My roommate had always kept beer in the house just in case one of his friends wanted a beer.That morning there was nothing in the house not a drop of alcohol or a roach in the ashtray.I suffered instead of going out.Had there been anything in the house I am sure I would not be alive today.I give all credit to my Higher Power that my house was clean that day.I am not sure of the exact date but I figured that by October 17, 1976 my system was clean so that is my dry date.I have not found it necessary to drink or use since then.

It took me some time but I got back to meetings lots of meetings and involvement in the program again.I have been able to enjoy life and take life on lifes terms.Not all days are good but through working this program going to meetings and reading my BB life is good.My program is rather simple show up every day and do the best I can, turn my life over to the care of God and trust the process.

There was a particularly difficult time when I was about 9 years sober.I was in a custody dispute with my ex-wife for my children.She accused me of sexually abusing them this was just before Christmas 1985.I knew I hadnt done this but someone had.I was angry with God as I had prayed for Him to keep them safe.I trashed my house in anger.I had had a very bad cough, coughed so hard I cracked a rib so the Dr. gave me some cough medicine with codeine I also had syringes in the house that I needed to give shots to animals I raised.There was a passing thought of how not to hurt so much.In a moment of clarity I dumped out the cough syrup.I have asthma and it was extremely bad that winter I couldnt work, I heated my house with wood but couldnt cut any wood.I had purchased the house from my parents on a contract for deed with $20,000 down money from another insurance settlement.Well I couldnt work so I couldnt make the payments.They took the house.Now I couldnt work, was living in one room of the house with a space heater and my dog, the dog got smart and finally ran away, could have no contact with my children.My Higher Power and AA friends helped me through the times.I lived 12 miles from town and would get rides to meetings.Friends would put me up for a few days on occasion, it is a very lonely existence that far from everyone living by yourself with no money.

But due to not being able to work because of the asthma I was given an opportunity to go to college and earn a degree.After nine months of not being able to have any contact with my kids I was able to prove that I had not harmed them and visitation started again.Life was new living in a city again, working at the university and seeing my kids.But when I would see my kids they were bruised and abused.I reported to social services and as the noose was closing on my ex-wife she fled with the kids.There was no trace of them I could not get any information.I knew she had been living with a drug dealer.Again I was angry with God.I cut off all communication, no prayer no meditation it was His fault.About 4 months of this and I came to my senses one night I got back down on my knees and prayed.I told God that I knew he could take better care of them than I ever could.The next morning my attorney called my kids had been found.Within a week I had full custody my ex was not allowed contact.

Sometimes it takes me a hard hit on the head to get through my thick alcoholic mind that God can do for me what I cannot do for myself.God does not punish me my defects cause me difficulties.Through my experiences I have learned to trust the process.My life hasnt always been easy but with God and the help of AA my life is always good.

My advice to all dont drink read the book and go to meetings.

Thanks for reading

I came from an extrememly dysfunctional family. My parents fought all of the time. I grew up in such a hostile environment and basically raised myself. I was molested by my father's friend continuously between the ages of 4-9ish. Also molested many times by my friend's older brother (and by her). To this day, my father remains friends with this man, even though he's well aware of what he did to me. Suffice to say, I have a limited relationship with my father. Growing up, he was a tyrant towards my mother and me. He's still an ass, especially towards me.

Both parents were not drinkers. I was not a wanted child, and they married against my mom's desire. They are still married 45 years later. Classic codependency. My younger sister is their pride and joy.

I never drank as a teen. I wanted to kill myself as my home life was pure hell.Recluse in high school. But I escaped by working a lot (babysitting and at a restaurant).

I had my first drink in college. I got wasted the first time. But I never really drank much. Spent more time studying. In my 20s, I got into a relationship with someone who smoked weed and drank. Although I wasn't into smoking too much, we couldn't get along together without it or booze. That said, drinking was my gateway into weed and later, pills.

We ended things after a turbulent 7 years. I married a nice man who barely drank and never smoked or drugged.

After the birth of my second child, I became a stay-at-home mom. I had two young children and lots of stress in those years. My drinking progressed in a big way to a bottle of wine per night, usually as I made supper. I was bored and lost. I was used to working FT although I loved being home with my kids for the most part. Of course, I was also depressed but didn't realize this.

Rock bottom was last Sept. I told my pastor how much I drank, and he encouraged me to seek AA. I'd been to meetings in the past, but was in denial and felt odd being there. But I told him I would. From the church, I  went straight to the store to get last bottle for the last hurrah.

I started drinking at 11 a.m. that day. I was somewhat lit when I got the kids from the bus stop that afternoon - but not lit enough. So I knocked back some hardcore muscle relaxers. Within minutes, I hit the kitchen floor and blacked out (by the grace of God) for no more than a few seconds. Red wine went everywhere. Peices of glasss shattered all over the kitchen floor. Interestingly enough, I fell right on a small throw rug on the hard floor. Has I passed out on the linolium or hit my head against something, I may not be here to share this. My kids heard this and needless to say, it scared them to the core. I managed to convince them that I simply slipped. I think my 9 year old questions that one. My 7 year old thought little of it.

That wasn't the first time I blacked out in the middle of the day while they were in my care. I didn't drink much during the day at home (but always 2-3 glasses of wine when out to lunch with them; ate only a small salad). But one hot summer day, I filled up their baby pool in the backyard and thought what a great idea it was to make margaritas. It was high noon. Again, it was God's doing that he saw to it that I passed out only for a few seconds. I threw up all over the place. I cleaned it all up so well, that my husband couldn't smell anything peculiar when he got home. I also had a great excuse for getting "sick:" Mommy had a heat stroke. That's why she threw up. Way to go, mommy. Kids outside (no gate) in water and mommy is knocking back strong margaritas. It's nothing short of a miracle that my kids are alive and well. They were so, so young then.  

But after that cocktail of wine+pills and my kids scared by that, THAT was my bottom. Looking back, they were in my care when I was drinking. I even went to get bottle #2 with them in the car from time to time. Again, God was certainly watching over us. Had anything happened even at home, of course I would not have been equipped to deal with a crisis.

That night, I excused myself from the soccer mom duty and told my husband I was going to AA. I'd dumped out the remainder of wine in the house and threw it in recycling. I never hid my wine habit. I even went to the same store all of those years to get my wine. I didn't care. And my husband didn't say much. In fact, oftentimes I'd ask him to pick up a bottle on his way home. This went on for 7 years.

That night, I went to a meeting. I stopped drinking that day - September 2, 2011. I went a few times after that, but eventually found a great home group and a sponsor. That's when things really changed for me. I started getting much better with the constant meetings, friends (all female) made in my group, and of course, my "pit bull" sponsor.

Although I stopped drinking that day, I relapsed by smoking pot (twice) in a couple of social settings. Irony there is that I hadn't smoked in years and wasn't looking for it. I also had that bad habit of taking muscle relaxers and other meds not as prescribed. I had to be honest, so picked up many white chips along the way. I picked up a 30 day chip twice; last one was just last week.

I got through the holidays without touching a drop. I now go down the wine aisle of my store to get my ginger ale and actually get a bad taste in my mouth. Towards the end, I really didn't even like the taste of my favorite red wine.

I am one of the lucky ones (thus far). I didn't turn to liquor. I didn't need to drink in the a.m. to rid of any shakes. Never got a DUI and most importantly, didn't harm my kids or anyone else (just a car when I hit a mailbox in my neighborhood on the way out for bottle #2). My husband also chose to go to Al-Anon. Yes, I am very, very lucky.

I feel better today - not different. I am hopeful to remain on this path so I can raise my children without abusing anything. 

I never, ever thought I'd become an alcoholic. But I was born an alcoholic, so it was inevitable.

I thank God and Bill and Bob for AA.

Hi, it's been a hard long road for me. Born and raised in central Texas as a ranch/farm girl. I have 2 older brothers, and a twin sister (& no she's not an alcoholic addict). I have 2 sons (Travis 32yo, & Richard 30yo). None have the disease. My sons are doing exceptional and seem very happy. I had alot to do with that, which I'm very proud of! I'm close to all my family & they are so special to me,more than ever! I married at 17 yo and divorced after 14 years. I've been married 4 times now ( 3 in my active addiction). I'm on my own & doing very well now after 20 years of active addiction & a very wild ride! Looking back, I can't beleive I'm still alive. I was a Registered Nurse for 20 years. Now that I have over a year and a half clean, I'm getting ready to start back to college for my masters degree in nursing. Now that I'm clean the possibilities are endless and exciting. I battle with Bipolar, Depression and Hepititis C. I just got out of prison SAFP of 9 months and have stayed clean. I'm sooooo happy. I have found a God of my understanding, who is loving and accepts me right where I'm at, & is always there for me. I'm in a homeless shelter & handling lifes challenges 1 day at a time, & and easy does it! I'm starting from scratch AGAIN and I can shape my life just how I want it. No man telling me what to do anymore! Can't wait to try out online chatting with you guys and girls.  Let me hear from you soon.  Chow...............Benita 54yo  how do I upload a photo?

Jack D's  Story:   

assume this is my AA biography... lousy story.  I grew up in the Boston area and to cut to the chase drinking was a way of life.  I didn't know anyone that didn't drink unless they were sick.  I started young and was probably a candidate for the program from an early age.  I lived with my mother and two younger brothers and in 1957 joined the Marine Corps.  I made it through my enlistment without too much trouble, but when I did get into any trouble I had been drinking.

I went to my first meeting in October of 1960, my father suggested it might be a good idea,  He was sober 11 months at the time.  I didn't think I needed it and I would be OK... I'd just becareful.  My careful led me to the symptoms I heard people speak of at meetings that I used to say that "if I ever got that bad, I'd stop!"  It took me approx 9 years to finally get beaten so bad by "John Barleycorn" that I had better "put the plug in the jug."  My last drink was March 31, 1969, I had been working on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange and I went into convulsions on the floor.  Shortly thereafter I went to my 1st meeting at the Midwood Group on Ave. M in Brooklyn.  It was a closed meeting... I didn't know what it was but I was to learn it was about the 12 Steps of AA.  That is when I found sobriety... nothing before had even given me pause in my drinking.  It has been a really good life, there are naturally some rough spots but we get through them... the drink is gone!  One day at a time!

Hi my names Lindsey, Im 17 years old. The reason I started drinking was for fun of course, I mean im a teenager and thats what most teens do. Well then i realized it made me more confident in myself while i was drunk, it made me talk more, put myself out there more. Without alcohol Im very shy, and quiet, people always ask me whats wrong why are you so quiet. Guys turn me down because Im too shy. So now I just hangout with people who drink almost everyday so i dont have to worry about being shy. My problem is Im actually allergic to alchol, so it responds to my body different then other people. I get drunk really fast and it doesnt take much alcohol. I started drinking when I was 12, since that time frame i have been raped twice while under the influence, I have had to many sexual incounters that I didnt want to do but did because i was drunk to count. I wake up feel like crap, not only from the hangover but because I feel gross that i could actually have sex with strange men and random guys. so i get drunk again to forget about it for a few hours, then the cycle repeats it self over and over again.I feel nasty, trashy, Im uterally disgusted with my self, i have attempted sucicide 3 times . for some reason it doesnt work. I need help. I dont want to drink my problems away to only get more problems. I just dont know what to do, i dont know how to change. Im known as a hoe. which is true. But if i never would have dranken in my life I bet id be a virgin still. please help me. thank you.

Lindsey. 

I became an alcoholic while taking the antidepressant Paxil. I went to an entire year of meetings and an outpatient rehab. It didn't dawn on me that the reason I couldn't quit was becuase of Paxil. I would go to these meetings with the best of intentions then end up buying alcohol on the way home. I would have these moments of clarity in there where I knew something wasn't quite right, then I'd go right back into the mindset of not really caring about anything and begin drinking. I remember my Dr. telling me that one of the side effects of Paxil can be an inability to care about anything. But I felt so happy on it I didn't even notice  that effect, even though I had lost complete interest in everything I enjoyed before.  Finally started doing some research on Paxil, and found lots of similar stories to mine so I got off of Paxil and finally was able to walk away from drinking. Alcohol abuse is litterally one of the listed side effects of that medication also, so thinking that it was just Paxil and not true alcoholism I talked my self into drinking the other night. Bad idea now I can't start my car because of the interlock device and have this overwhellming sense of anxiety. There is no telling if I'll be able to start my car at all today, I downed an unbelievable amount of liquor 24 hours ago. Paxil may have initiated alcoholism in me, but I'm still an alcoholic. Before Paxil I drank way too much, but I knew I had control, now alcohol effects me very differently, I really don't know how to explain it, it's just too dangerous for me and it didn't use to be. One sip and it's over there's really no illusion of control when it comes to me and alcohol. So I'm going to return to meetings, and making changes in my life so hopefully I won't relapse.

I dont know how much Im gonna continue posting on this site, but I thought I'd post my story here.  I grew up in the lower mainland of British Columbia in Canada.  When I was young I attended elementary school with many friends and family close by.  At age 11 my parents divorced and I was left home with my dad and sister.  I had never drank or done drugs before but at age 13 when my dad was at work we smoked some marijuana that was in his jacket with my sister and her boyfriend.  I ended up getting drunk at my friends birthday for the first time and we did graffiti all through the streets of Vancouver when we were high.  The first time I felt the alcohol I knew I had found something.  I succeeded in getting drunk every weekend afterwards with any friend who would want to find a boot.  We would sit in parks and drink Alcohol, smoke weed and go to sick places like abandoned laundromats to sit and do our drugs.  I found myself having trouble at home.  My father had taken his divorce very hard and was also an alcoholic/ addict.  I had a deep affection for a girl in my school named Sophie and I was seeing a counselor about my troubles.  By the time grade ten hit I was in a psychiatrists office failing every class and begging my mountain of prescription drugs along with weed and alcohol.  By this time my sister had moved to a town nearby and was into the crystal meth/ crack scene.  We would go out to the house she rented and we would party for days strait.  We smoked enough marijuana to permanently smack our brains into some sort of paranoid schizophrenia or whatever the doctors have been calling it for the last 12 years.  I ended up in a childrens psych ward talking about drugs, alcohol, sophie, my friends and how I was unable to sleep, high out of my mind and of course very troubled.  After this happened I was a little bit different and I ended up losing a lot of my friends.  I was taken to a school the next september for kids who were burnouts, losers, in juvenile hall, into drugs, any kid bad enough in school went to this place, it was called a satellite school.  The whole year there I sat smoking weed, showing up to school drunk and going crazy in my house where I was alone, I would chug rum and dance to my cds like a nutcase, I would smoke marijuana and get so paranoid I would hallucinate and get the paranoia.  I ended up completing 2 grades of school that year despite this.  I had but one reason for doing all the work at home.  So I could return to my normal school where sophie was.  I had been given a deal.  I complete 2 grades in one year and I can return to the main school, So I did it.  By the time I got there I was so mental and so drugged out I couldnt even tell what the teachers were saying.  Sophie had changed schools and I felt lost.  So I dropped out and stayed home getting even more high.  I ended up in a school later for mentally ill kids in which I did nothing for a year.  I returned home for a year after that and approached age 20 feeling like I was at the end.  One day on a new years eve when I was 20 years old I was smoking a joint with a girl named Kourtney who was a friend of my sisters.  She was always at our house and I felt some strange feeling hit me when we were talking.  Over the next while it grew into a fire so big I literally got a job, a cell phone, learned to drive, forgot my old friends, forgot sophie and moved out to my first apartment, all in an attempt to impress her.  I stayed drunk every day, at work, every place I went, every day I was drunk.  I chased Kourtney around for 2 years and didnt do so well.  I hung out with my family but had no friends.  I was basically running full speed trying to make this girl mine.  By age 22 my dad got rid of the house I grew up in, reunited with a long lost girlfriend and retired from his job.  He moved 3000 miles away and I never saw him again.  I ended up moving into an apartment where I lived before and my sister and kourtney also had a suite.  I sat there all year wondering where everyone was and what had happened.  I didnt realize it but everyone was gone, and I didnt have as many people as I thought.  Over this year, I went all the way down to the bottom, I sat at my 23rd birthday and spiralled down further and further.  I quit my medicatin and had a relapse of parnaoid schixophrenia.  I was broke and fighting with my mom for money.  I finally broke down one night and told kourtney through an email how I felt about her.  She had been out of my life for a good year and a half and she never even replied.  One night after fighting with my mom in a drunk mental rage the cops knocked on my door and arrested me.  The yelled at me and kicked the shit out of me.  I was taken to a psych ward for 4 months.  I had such a awful thing happen that I was broken down inside.  The fire I had for kourntey was put out with a blow so deep it basically killed me.  I was abused inside the hospital and eventually moved to a different town to be close to my mom which was the only person left in my life.  I had been to aa at the hospital but continued drinking for 2 more years after I left.  I became a very sick person who was unemployed and in a very bad illness going to and from a mental health centre where they treat you like dirt.  I looked like a derelict.  My eyes were sick, I was skinny, pale, high on alcohol, and mentall ill, poor and alone.  I ate from food banks, stole my dinners, starved, and sat in my apartment drinking and trying to make sense of my life as I watched everything I had ever known slowly going before me slowly leaving me and scenes from my life went through my mind.  I had gone through the downwars spiral and I was mental.  I was still drinking and I was a complete skeleton sicko, crackhead you name it.  One night when I was in my room I believe I died or came one inch from dying.  One of the old aa pamphlets was on my floor when I awoke in the darkness.  I picked it up and felt a flash of somehting I thought might be spiritual.  I read the 12 steps and thought "How do I understand god"  at that moment the way I thought of god came true and I looked outside expecting to see darkness but saw sunlight instead.  Ever since that day noone ever bothered me again.  I still live in the apartment but I have never been bothered by a person.  The mental health centre quit harassing me.  Noone ever talked to me dirty again.  I began attending meetings and having a very spiritual experience. The more I go nowadays the more on fire I am.  Everything is gone and I am alone but I am alive and Im apparently well and restiched together through praciticng alcoholism.  I have noone and I have little but theres small miracles each day.  I always have food.  noone ever bothers me anymore and if they do I see they quickly change what theyre doing.  I have a real power greater than myself keeping me warm in this place even though im alone.  Im on fire.  I am never bothered or treated wrong anymore.  The more AA I practice the better it gets.  I found recently I have finally come to grips with everything that was and used to be and I have gotten over it.  I am in the process of completely letting go and returning to work.  Im a 27 year old who hasnt worked since 2007 but I am ready to do it again.  I have learnt a lot of stuff in the last 4 or 5 years.  Ive been angered by a lot of it.  Ive been saddened by a lot of it.  Im glad I know the truth now though.  I never saw what was going on when I was young.  I know what its about now.  I know a lot now.  Im not anyones fool anymore.  I know when someone isnt really my friend.  Im aware of a lot of the sick things in the world.  I understand a lot more now.  Ive basically got to the point now where Ive pretty much found myself.  Im getting back to work Ive sorted it out.  Im sitting here thinking up some things to execute in the next while and I pretty sure Im a smart guy.  Finally feel like me again.  Got a fire going.  Got my dinner, which I stole oh well.  Got things more figured out than ever, getting a job.  and from there?  Well I just sign off. 

Thanks Mip.

Brian.

Well, I've been around this board for 7 months now, so it seems strange I never told my story here. But here goes. I grew up the only girl in an Irish Catholic family in the suburbs of the East coast. My family actually had very little money, but appearing as though we did was very important. My mother worked part time as she had 4 children to raise... My father was the financial backing and disciplinarian. Pretty traditional suburban nightmare. So long as the neighbors thought everything was ok, right? Well, everything was not ok- actually not much was ok. My father was an extremely angry and sick man whom my mother would often describe as a 'dry drunk'. I had no idea what this meant at the time, not for years. I guess this was her way of explaining away his violent temper and extreme antisocial behavior. We didn't ever have people to our home, we were not to disturb our father while he spent hours in front of the tv, we were not to question why we were beaten. 'Just don't tell anyone' was the motto of my childhood. I abided by this rule, living in terror. It took me years to become desperate enough to finally tell someone that my father had been routinely sexually abusing me since before kindergarten. That didn't go over so well. He left the home for 6 months while the state investigated my claims..before the case was dropped due to me saying I had lied. Well, I hadn't lied at all, but my mother manipulated and guilted me into seeing the value of his paycheck and how adversely the lack of it would affect my brothers. He comes back, it continues. Now he has the full upper hand and I am left completely and utterly powerless.

After a few months of this, I ran away from home with nothing but 50$ from my paper route and a backpack. 50$ at that time would buy a 1-way train ticket to NYC. I wanted OUT. I had developed a deep hatred towards the 'suburban dream' and everything that represented to me. Authority? Adults? The status quo? F them!! I was gonna make it on my own in the big city with no $...I was delusional and also 12 years old. Didn't take long for me to be found out and placed into the foster care system. By this time, I had been introduced to the punk-rock scene of bars. I was 12 when I started drinking jack Daniels straight out of the bottle, and I never really looked back. I wanted to be a tortured, misunderstood drunk and drug addict. In my traumatized early teen mind this was very romantic and way cool. It also served to display my lack of respect for any and all adults. I was proud of being on the fringes, as far away from my childhood as possible. The foster care system did little to change this attitude. I lived in close to 20 homes in under a years time. Some were ok, others abusive or neglectful.. 3 were wonderful. At this point I was pretty hell bent on doing whatever the heck I wanted, and I was now in a situation with no discipline, structure, or adult guidance. I was quite literally simply given a bed to sleep in for a couple of weeks or so and I'd leave, or the household would be deemed unfit. I wasn't in school, I was hanging around bars. My best buddy was a crack addict.. I thought it was great! I could do whatever I wanted. I was also extremely manipulative so the consequences for my behavior were little.

My teenage years were spent in this insane, wild drug and booze fueled frenzy. I was placed in an 'independent living' apartment when I was 16, because I was "exhibiting maturity and a sense of responsibility" Uhh, OK haha. Somewhere along the way I stumbled upon the restaurant business as a means to support myself. It was a perfect fit for me the budding alcoholic. Perfect job for someone who thought themselves above the rules of 'normal' society. I drank every night to excess and nobody ever questioned it. I could give up shifts to drink or recover, and pick them up when rent was due. I spent money like a little kid, cuz I was one. I had it all figured out- I didn't have to play by anyone's rules. Somewhere along the way I went to college on academic scholarship ( my last foster mother finagled this-she was an angel). I went more out of a pure love for knowledge than any plans for the future. Also, as a high school dropout, a college degree would serve as a nice 'F U' to everyone that told me not to drop out. Ha that's how I thought about everything 'F U' look how great I'm doing not following your rules. My 20s and early 30s were spent In a drunken haze, working in bars and restaurants, drinking every night with my coworkers, then increasingly alone-and barely getting by financially. I continued to live by the mentality of an angry, angst ridden teenager. I saw nothing wrong with it. My friends and boufriends were easily replaced, and I had little contact with my family. I didn't think I needed anybody but myself. I thought I was having the time of my life. I think I was 32 or 33 before I realized this wasn't so cool anymore.

Everyone I knew who was my age had moved on to having careers, marriage, children... I was still here-stuck living as though i were a kid. I began to realize my entire existence revolved around drinking. I was completely insane and thought that funny. My behavior grew increasingly insane- temper tantrums when drunk, suicidal, big drama. Everyone else was my problem. I used my childhood as a means to excuse my behavior. I had little control of my emotions. I had no respect or care for anybody. Everyone was around for my purposes. When I turned 35 I really hit the wall. I was completely isolated, totally broke, unable to work, unable to pay rent, seriously suicidal and in rough shape physically... I was experiencing numbness in my limbs, my motor skills were declining, I was often feverish, I had stopped eating for the most part, cuz why waste time eating when you could drink. I was a full blown, hardcore alcoholic. This was the worst thing in the world for me. The reality of my existence was not anywhere near the glamorous idea of an alcoholic I had strived towards as a teenager.I spent close to a year recording how much a drank.. Writing how many drinks I had on a calendar- or how many I could remember having haha. It was pathetic. I tried so hard to control my drinking, knowing I couldn't. I thought it a matter of morality and willpower and grew increasingly depressed as I could see I'm black and white that I had no control whatsoever. Being an alcoholic really was the worse thing I could imagine being. The idea of not drinking was a fate worse than death in my mind. Worse still? I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to live sober.I had no real exposure to sober people or AA in my life. My idea of AA was that's where people go when they have really made a mess of their lives and just cannot deal anymore. Guess what? That's exactly where I was, and I knew it.

My last drunk began as any other night... Beginning at the bar, a pit stop at liquor store, then home to drink 2 bottles of wine alone. I sat in my kitchen drinking until 3am knowing I had to work an 18 hour day beginning in an hour. I started texting all of my coworkers to cover my shifts-AGAIN. I was suicidal AGAIN. I wanted more to drink AGAIN. This had become a pattern for me. This was not unusual. I prayed to God- again, pretty typical of my pattern. This time I meant it. This time I didn't pray that if I just get my shifts covered I won't drink as much anymore. I clearly remember having a moment of complete clarity, and a focused clear thought "stop this now, or you will die very soon". I believe this was my HP. This time i prayed that I live through this morning, I prayed that I find the strength to stop drinking. I text my boss at 330 am that I would need a few days off to detox from alcohol. He was the first person I told I was an alcoholic- at 330am while he was vacationing with his pregnant wife! I continued drinking that morning until I successfully harrassed a coworker into working my shift. And I passed out. I woke up The next day shaking, numb on one side of my body, unable to walk.. Crawled to the bathroom and cried uncontrollably... Thanking God for answering my prayers. That was over 7 months ago and I haven't drank since. I spent 4 days holed up in my apartment detoxing, more ill than I could've imagined. I went to my first meeting 10 days later, where I met my sponser. And here I am sober:) Hi, my names Colleen and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for listening.

I Lost My Life but Gained Something Better

I have been involved in the rooms for 5 years, however, like many stories I have heard before I have not been sober that long. I came into the rooms to please the courts, having grown up in a home where drinking and using drugs were acceptable, This was a practice that I became fond with having watched my father for so long. I remember growing up and looking outside of my door to see if it was "safe" to leave the room, by this I mean, seeing smoke in the air, or hearing unfamilar voices in the living room. There were many nights where my mother, brother, and I were left fatherless because of some excuse he made, some fighy he caused, or because he simply refused to come home for weeks on end. I was very angry growing up and began fighting in school and skipping school, while indulging in beer with my brother and his friends.

I started drinking every now and again at 7 years old, after being a victim of sexual abuse. I never told anyone and could not bear the stress or emotional pain. I remember my first drink like it was nothing. I was visiting my grandmothers house one night, while my mother went to search for my father. I waited for everyone in the house to fall asleep as I kept one eye on her opened bar. I had no idea what each of the bottles were, I just noticed that there was one bottle that was a different color, and a different shape, Jack Daniels. I took a giant swig and the next thing I knew I was awoken in a pool of blood and vomit on the pool table, and I heard my mothers tears from the other room. I remember telling myself that I would never do that again, but that was not the last time I trusted the bottle to dull my pain. 

It took me three more years to indulge in another drink, however, everyday of those three years were miserable. After three years I found myself in a similar situation, where alcohol was freely available, and so were other various chemicals. It was then that I became addicted to meth, and I began to spiral out of control. Within the next five years I dropped out of highschool, began doing drugs with my father, engaging in various illegal activites, and racked up a series of criminal charges. At 15, I became a warrent of the state and was forced to go to drug and alcohol treatment. I spent 5 1/2 months in treatment, where I was not allowed to talk to my active using father. After treatment I went to a recovery home, where I spent the next 2 years. I went to meetings, attended service meetings and group conciouses, and finished high school. I didnt really see the affects that AA had on my life until 2009, when I was in a car accident. A drunk driver had run into a car that I was in, I was rushed to a local hospital, and the next day I was in the drunk persons hospital room talking about Alcoholics Anonymous. A couple of weeks later, he was at my home group waiting outside to greet me. 

I moved home soon after that, to live with my parents, I graduated highschool, and continued my education at the local community college. July 3, 2011 I decided that I was not an alcoholic. After one drink I found myself at the dope house with people I did not like, doing things I did not want to do, living in the same hell that I lived in growing up. It took me two months to tell my sponser, but once I did, our relationship began to grow. I am a little over 18 months sober and this go around is so much different, my life has changed in so many ways, and I am blessed to be an alcoholic today. There are so many new experiences that I have gotten to be a part of in recovery that I would have never gotten to see while I was drinking. 

A year ago, I got to be the person to take my father to Valley Hope, where he started his journey of recovery as well. This program works in mysterious ways. A year ago my father and I did not speak, I did not call him "dad" and we could not spend more than five seconds in a room together. Today we attend meetings together, we spend more time together than I could ever count. Today, my faith has been restored by not only feeling the effects of the program, but by seeing it work in other peoples lives as well. 

Toni S

simple story.... years of AA, became a local circuit speaker, got overwhelmed, went out... got my ass kicked for a few years, and here I am.

Hi, my name is Kayla and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is March 3, 2013. My homegroup is a very active group; we have multiple commitments every night of the week speaking at jails, rehabs, detoxes, institutions, and other meetings. For me, personally, that's what I need. As the Big Book says, "...nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics." My drinking certainly presents problems, usually with the legal system or in relationships in my life, but my real problem is my thinking. "Selfishness - self-centeredness - that, we think, is the root of our troubles." I think about myself a lot and I'm almost certain that the rest of society must think of me just as much. And so growing up, I was always fearful of what you were thinking about me. I knew everybody was talking about me and what I loser I am, because that's what I thought about myself. I had to act like somebody else in order to have your love. Soon, life became like an endless series of auditions for me. I figured out who I needed to be for each person and tried my best to fit the role. Nobody knew the real me, the whole me. I would only let you have bits and pieces. Life was lonely because I wouldn't let anybody in. And then, at 14 years old, I had my first drink, and it was wonderful. I went to a party where there were a bunch of cool older kids and a lot of my friends. I thought it was going to be my time to shine. If I could just get the cool kids to like me, I would be ok. But then a stunning realization hit me: all of my friends were there, in one place. Shit! I was a different person to each of my friends. If they all got together and talked about me, as I was sure they would, then they might be able to piece together who I really was, or at least find out that I'm not who I say I am. So I tried to butt into all their conversations to make sure that I wasn't the topic. Soon somebody offered me a drink and, not wanting to stand out, I accepted it. I didn't particularly enjoy the taste, so when I was done drinking it, I was glad. But then another idiot offered me another drink, and once again I accepted for fear of being judged. Now, I'm not sure if it was the second or the third or the fourth, but something changed for me. All of a sudden, everybody's eyes softened up. No longer was I feeling their harsh, judgemental stares. I felt love and friendliness. I could talk to people without having to plan out the conversation first. It was amazing! I woke up the next morning and asked my friends if we were going to do it again next weekend, and they said no. I couldn't believe it! I had no idea why they didn't want to do it again. And so, I found new friends who could party the way I did. See, when I start drinking, I can't stop. This phenomenon of craving sets in and all bets are off. I don't stop until I physically cannot drink anymore, and that usually only happens if I'm restrained or passed out. I love drinking. I feel like I'm finally a part of the human race. And there are no consequences that will keep me from feeling that way. So my drinking progresses and shit's starting to get crazy. I'm doing non-AA approved substances and having sex for money and breaking in to cars and I am absolutely fine with it. Those actions are necessary in order for me to keep the buzz going so I don't have to go back to being sober and feeling shame and guilt and loneliness again. Life is getting insane and I'm just going along with it. Friends start dying, cops are getting involved, I decided that maybe I should just slow down a bit. I start trying to use outside things - sports, academics, music - to distract myself from drinking and thinking. And it works for a little bit. I obsess enough to become extremely successful in those areas, making the paper and getting interviews for sports, full scholarships and awards to top Pre-Med schools for academics, etc., but it's not enough, and drinking, once again, becomes my only option. Around 16 years old, I was introduced to a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. This person went to meetings and said she was sober, but admitted to me that she still drank and that it was okay because she no longer drank to excess. I thought this was a program of moderation, and, hell, I can do that on my own! I don't need AA! So I began to white knuckle it for a couple days or weeks at a time and then go back out and party for weeks and then stop again and start and stop and start and the entire cycle became dizzying and exhausting. So I stopped stopping and just drank and drugged as often as possible, which was every day for me. Life was becoming miserable and I didn't know what to do. I started talking with a cousin of mine who was sober. He told me that thanks to AA, he had not felt t necessary to take a drink in over 25 years. I couldn't believe it. I asked for his help, and, in the middle of my senior year of high school, I left Pennsylvania and moved to New Jersey to do AA full time with him and his group. I jumped in, which is important for me, because if I don't jump in, I have reservations, and if I have reservations, I'm getting drunk. I moved through the steps quickly and as outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm a sick individual and I can't try to tweak the program. I can't do it Kayla's way, I had tried for 18 years and it did not work (which was made clear to me in the second half of the 1st step: "our lives had become unmanageable"). I worked the steps and went to AA meetings and quickly tried to give what I had gained from the program to other alcoholics. By 30 days sober I had two sponsees who were working the steps. An amazing thing happened as a result of sponsoring people: I began to see a God that I had never believed in. In fact, I began to see him everywhere. Alcoholics Anonymous has given me something I never thought I could have: connection with God and with others. The buzz I get in AA from working the steps and working with others is so much better than the buzz I get from a bottle or in a bag. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be here! I thank God every day for AA and the experiences I have from doing the work. Thank you for reading and keeping me sober another day.

-Kayla P.

Welcome to MIP Kayla, ... and thanks for sharing your story ... Like Pickle said, please continue to post on the board ... I think you have much more to share that others can definitely benefit from ... I love reading stories such as yours ... great job ... keep on keeping on ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

John wants to share his story with as many people as he can.  He had suffered some mild brain damage from his accident so he's not good at typing but he's recovering.

Hi. I am an Alcoholic, I have been sober for one month and a week. Lately it seems as though my life is really throwing me some challenges with family. I have been an alcoholic for many, many years. I am still getting use to all these feelings and emotions that are coming up. It's so hard trying to find that sober friend to talk to or hang out with on the weekends. I haven't been with my ex-spouse because he is the reason why I end up having a slip. I know that he has taught me great things in my life but when I see him, it just seems like I drop everything and end up giving in to my addictions. Last night, I had a great cry, letting it all out really helps. I am trying to figure out what is working for me and how I don't want go back to my old ways. I truly am happy with being sober and I really do love myself, I can say that now because treatment really helped me, I love the fact that I have learnt a lot of tools during my healing journey. My friend has been sober a little longer than I have but he is going through some really tough times right now and I'm not sure what to say to him for encouragement. He is the best friend I've ever had in many, many years. I really don't want to lose his friendship, if I end up saying the wrong thing to him. 

Glad you're here Raeanne, ... AA has a 'solution' for everything you described that bothers you ... with AA, you CAN put the pieces back together ... the scars may remain, but the point is to get our lives back on track to live happily and be useful to others ...

Hi. My name is Onzello and I'm an alcoholic. My sober date is Oct 25th, 2014.  I've been in and out of A.A. since I was about 20

years old (I m now 38). For me, ever since I went to a rehab in Long Beach, CA I would not finish even the 1st month and go

straight to a liquor store, get drunk and very low since I always drank myself into homelessness. I eventually got used to being homeless and discovered that I could steal easily from supermarkets and drugstores. This would help me stay high/drunk most

of the day. I was just wandering through life. No goals really except to score another bottle, find a bush or a vacant lot and get

completely obliterated.  I bounced from sober house to sober house, rehabs, de-toxes, occasionally my mother would let me

stay for awhile, but usually not for long.  This (100 something days) is the longest I've had in around 10 years.   I have a sponser, I read the books, go to meetings and r. now I'm on my 8th step list. I am working on getting more self confidence, cuz it seems hard for me to help others in the program beyond just; Hi, my name and maybe "keep coming back". But I am so freaking grateful to be sober, not homeless, no legal troubles, food, family and God as my higher power. Anyway, I've

never been on a forum before, so I hope I posted this in the right place.     Thanks for allowing me in your group, and thanks for sharing all your stories.

onzello.

Great post and welcome to MIP ...

Good to see you post again Gohawks, ... I am certain your post will help others who are where you used to be ... great job ...


Pappy

My drinking affected my work.  lateness calling in sick.  Drank in Law School affected my grades. flunked out been sober awhile but ran into mental health problems.  Now I have a place that places disabled people in jobs trying to place me in a customer service or clerical job.   just won a stand up comedy contest come see my AA jokes.

Hello All;

My Name is Marc and I am a RealAlcoholic.

I had my First Drink at age 14. Even then 1 was not enough so I had a few beers.
As you may well imagine I got the SpinsAndPuked.
But hey, I had so much fun that a bit of vomit was a small price to pay.
Later on in life I found myself returning to Alcohol more and more frequently and switched to liquor.
My drinking was usually excessive and often into oblivion(BlackOut).
In my thirties I had become Alcohol's prisoner and was unaware of my predicament(Powerlessness). I drank and I drank even when I did not really want to drink. I had no idea why and I could not stop. I tried going back to beer but all that did was make me PissALot and I couldn't get a decent Buzz.
I was a Rum, Vodka and Whiskey kind of guy and proud of it(Insane thinking).
Wellp, That's My IttyBittyDrunkALog.

Marc

Welcome to MIP Cedeines, ... glad you're here ...


Very profound statement above!!! ...


Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy