there is a lady who is new to the fellowship and this is her first time in...she has accumulated 40 days and is really doing well..except for the fact that there is a guy with "13years" who has latched on to her and now she is conflicted. I am so pissed at this guy and we are all a bit annoyed at him.
I welcome any and all view points to this situation. Since we have such a vast diversity of people all over the world I really want to know what you all have learned about this.
We have seen her grow and now this...I wish that we could let her see the changes that happen in the first years of recovery and that now is not the time to worry about a new relationship. Yes it is her choice to make but it isn't an informed one and I feel so helpless and a few others are discusted with this guys balls. He has complicated her life at a time that she is trying to learn the program, and it is a shame.
In my area, what we women do is surround the newcomer with women that have lots of sobriety. We take her to coffee, sit next to her at meetings, keep her busy busy busy until the guy gives up. Most 13 steppers won't get near a newcomer when this group of women is around, because none of us are afraid to tell the guy he is being inappropriate. We also have men in the group that are willing to talk to the guy and tell him to back off.
You might also remind the woman of the ABC's at the end of How It Works, especially B--That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism(I'd leave out the probably).
When I talk to my sponsees about this, I let them know that they are changing daily as they grow in sobriety, and in a year they are going to be a different person. This normally makes sense to them, and they are willing to wait and see who they become.
Ellen, Did anyone talk to the guy about the 13 stepping, when it first began. In our group we discuss this issue frequetly, as everyone needs to be reminded sometimes.Did anyone talk to her about keeping the focus on her recovery in the beginning?
What Cheri said about the females surrounding the newcomer is a good idea, it just makes sense.I read recently about groups who think it is okay for a female to have a male sponsor, I don't agree at all with that idea.But I guess this is one of those things to turn over to God,HP, and see what happens.If no one has discussed it with the guy you might see how an old timer feels about it and maybe he could have a talk with him.
This would be a good topic, 13 stepping, in future meetings.
I think you's have a right to be pissed, 13 stepping is very dangerous in my books. Especially when this lady is so new in the program. We're all sick people wether we have 40 days or 13 years. In my opinion, i'd think he'd know better. The sad thing is we are powerless over people places and things. When i was first new in the program i didn't reallly "get" why relationships were taboo. I kinda understood that i needed to work on myself but i didn't get how if they went down i could go down with them or the fact that if something happened in the relationship that i wasn't strong enough to handle it could take me back to the hell i was trying to crawl out of. It almost sounds like he needs more help than she does....
I don't really have any words of wisdom or anything...i don't know what yu could say other than be careful...best of luck though.
Has this lady asked you for guidance Ellen? Are you asking because you have been invited to comment on this and need help forming a response, or because you think you have some right to pose a judgement on something that has nothing to do with you?
When anyone, anywhere reaches out their hand...we will be there. But they have to reach out their hand for help, we can't just suggest they need it.
Nic, actually she has confided in me and I have told her that she should be spending her time just worring about her sobriety.
To be honest we all know that some meetings have better sobriety than others. It is like we have a clubhouse that we have named the half steping group, because all it is is a hang out for people when they have nothing better to do, not for sobriety. Now in this group we are serious about getting sober and this was the least expected place I thought that 13 stepping would take place.
I guess all I wanted to know that I am not over reacting. And to vent before I do anything.
Great idea about surrounding her with us females.
I normally don't get involved but she really is getting screwed up by this...We are going to have a meeting about relationships in the first year some time this week when all the group members attend. It actually works out well because there are others that have worked all winter doing there step work who now want to start dating. It is springtime!lol
thanks for being candid and god bless you all and i will check in later today.
I would like to comment on the realtionship in the first year of sobriety thing. It is common for people who are just getting out of treatment to be told to work on their recovery for the first year and not to start any new love realtionships.
I know that my husband who has been back from the half-way house for less then 3 months needs to keep the focus on his recovery at this time and not concentrate on us. So I am trying very hard to back off, I have even started going to Al-anon when he is at an AA meeting to give him his place to just be who he needs to be.I feel he may not be able to share openly with me there.
I have been around the program for 14 years and 13 stepping has always been frowned on.But that is my experience.
I hope everyone has a sober day, and is reading there Big book and the 12 ans 12 on a daily basis.I need to go call my sponsor. If you don't have one I suggest you get one, if we don't use the tools of the program we are not truly working the program of AA.
