Man...what a journey. Emotions all over the place. Some days I hate AA, Some days I swear it is the best thing since sliced bread. Some days I am sure I have found the answer to everything and the next day the answer is different. I am grateful that meetings are a constant and that calling my sponsor is a constant. Changes seem so radical at times it feels like my life isn't even real. I realized yesterday that I was being super resistant to change. Basically, crying and saying "I can't" and "I need." I have little desire to drink, but all of my other addictive behaviors have socked me in the face in terms of awareness now that I am not hiding behind a bottle. I keep wanting to cling onto the scared, needy, and dependent little boy in me that needs everyone to like me, needs constant approval, and has people do things for me that I think I can't do for myself. My sponsor told me AA is all about change and the first thing I need to change is everything. Well, I prayed to have the obsession for alcohol lifted, and it was. Now I pray to have the things that made me drink lifted too. I have been a dependent, scared, relationship addicted, approval seeking, resentment filled person for as long as I can remember. I think I took the first step in saying goodbye to that person yesterday. I have to change or I will continue to go batty on a daily basis. Maybe some of you with time can identify with this and offer helpful suggestions. I know the change will be slow, but I think I need to be pretty vigilant and maybe even act in away that is opposite from that dysfunctional scared person until it starts feeling like the real me. All I know is I can't stay the same. Those behaviors worked when I drank, but I was miserable and in denial. They don't work without the alcohol and they are even more sabotaging because when they come out now, they are totally at odds with my sobriety. This make any sense?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Let me first say you reminded me first thing this morning of who I really am. I need that... constant reminders... because I have a fast forgetter personality. I can definitely relate. These character defects are something I still struggle with. Some suggestions given to me were: "act your way into good thinking", didn't make sense to me at first, but slowly it sank in. What this means to me is: when I confronted with a person, place or situation and my gut(filled with AA & the Steps) intuitively tells me what the right answer is but my flawed mind tells me something different, I go with the gut(program) even if it's uncomfortable or something I don't want to do. After repetition it comes easier. It's not always easy, like everything else, good days and not so good days. Progress not perfection... An example for me: I have a problem/situation and my gut tells me to discuss it with another alcoholic or sponsor but my mind tells me I'm scared and can get through it on my own. I call someone and just open up before my mind takes control. Thank you for the posting.
Man...what a journey. Emotions all over the place. Some days I hate AA, Some days I swear it is the best thing since sliced bread. Some days I am sure I have found the answer to everything and the next day the answer is different. This make any sense?
Yep! sounds like early sobriety to me...... it doesn't change much except the highs get less high and the lows less low....so hang in there, it does get better!
Congrats on 101 days!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Yea, I'm sorry pinkchip! Early sobriety. Although I can feel and act this way when I allow myself to get on an emotional bender. And so far the only things that works are what you're doing. Meetings, sponsor, other alcoholics, prayer and "TIME".
Congrats for getting by 90 days. It took me 2 years to do that. Hang in there it will steadily get better and better for you. I monitored my progress on a calendar, by marking what I would call "good days" when I felt well and happy. Pretty soon you'll start noticing more "good days" per week or month and they will steadily displace the "bad days" over time. It's amazing but it happen at a rate the we don't always notice, so we can be ungrateful about it, which is not good. Being grateful for what you want will bring more of what it is that you want. And Gratitude = Happiness
makes A LOT of sense to me, pink. Those defects are like robotic in my life!! Certain events or feelings still push the defect button, and off I go with some mental nonsense, even though I consciously know better.
Congrats on 101, that has a very nice ring to it. Just you recognizing this stuff is proof positive that it is getting better!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Thanks guys. It sounds like I am "right where I need to be" as they say....even though it is a hugely vulnerable and somewhat scary place. I was literally an empty shell of a person when I came into AA. I went through the first steps of building a social network, which still could expand more. This stuff is hard work. I can see why people relapse because facing your demons is rough and it was and is more natural to retreat back into the "I don't need to grow any more" or "I was just fine the way I was" mentality. Today I am grateful to know I was not fine the way I was (in so many ways more than drinking)....That said, there is no excuse for relapsing and stopping this growth period, no matter how scary it seems.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
