Drifting away

Nisha · Veteran Member

Drifting away

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Nisha, I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you. Just remember the phrase "This till shall pass".
Be good to yourself.

Dean

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hi Bisha
Glad your here! Is it because you slipped that you dont want to be around AA or post here? Many of us have done the same thing and believe it or not you are always welcome back here to try it again! Im sure your group meetings would say the same thing! The important thing is your back! Confess it and move on.
In your town things may be a little harder to deal with as here, going to meetings puts us in no danger. Actually, for me, not going to meetings puts ME in danger. Dont know all the dynamics of where you live!

So keep coming back, feel free to share! At least here you are safe! Im sorry your going thru such a rough time.
Lani

Sept_19_2002 · Veteran Member

Hi Nisha,

Thanks for being here today and thanks for the honesty. I will return yours with my own.

I came to AA because I had no other choice, it was either quit or continue my downward spiral. I as others didn't want to admit anything to anybody. But after enough pain I was finally willing to try anything. I couldn't take it anymore. My way was wrong, it was killing me.

Maybe you have a higher threshold to pain, maybe you can drink again, maybe you can avoid the reality of the disease. The choice is always yours, always has been. We are here because of the great price we paid, the great pain we survived.

The battle to sobriety is not easy but know, and God as my witness, you are not alone. We will help you in any way we can ... but only if you want to help yourself. The journey is not easy, many have had the need to try it several times, many spend their lives trying.

What ever you decide, these rooms and the AA program will still be here. Too many of us have survived and will stay here to help those that want it. Like the ones who reached out to us, our hands are out to you.

Thanks for being here today smile

Keeping coming back it does get better and better. biggrin

Phil · MIP Old Timer

One who is set adrift..in a rowboat, without oars...

Is at some point..

Going to go over waterfall.

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Thanks for coming back, Nisha. I was wondering where you were & if you're ok. You're doing so well & a slip last Thursday may have taught you much. I slipped several times in my early weeks before I found a comfortable spot in the saddle of sobriety. I've had a strong desire not to drink for a long time tho the fascination & obsession with the stuff & to drink sensibly has haunted me regularly & resulted in my resenting recovery at times.

I drift away & seek spirituality in other ways but when the proverbial hits the fan I find invariably that it's AA that catches me when I really fall. That tells me alot about how much it has to offer & I want to be able to give back for that too so I keep coming & learning about my program so that I can have more ES&H to share.

It's unfortunate for the moment that you've not found alot of face2face fellowship as this really does bring it all to life. One alcoholic helping another. I don't know your full situation around meetings & if there's more you can do to open up the possibilities for you but keep trying. This will all pass & you will be helped to stay sober with your Higher Power if you stay willing.

Don't lose your heart, Nisha & I'm glad you've come & shared with us here. Maybe in the next few days or weeks a truly special person will come into your life & give you that special hand. I hope we're enough to help for now until you gain more.

Are you reading much of the literature? I found reading it regularly essential for building my defences against that first drink in the first year or so. I might just have to pick some more up soon too! Keep up the good work & enjoy the process no matter how hard or impossible it may seem at times. I'm glad you have your desire to stop. It's a real gift & takes nurturing ;) Stay close, Nisha. Love in fellowship & recovery, Danielle x

Nisha · Veteran Member

I am not avoiding MIP- its just that that 'motivation' factor is missing- that drive from within for carrying on.In retrospect I feel the absence of having someone constant in my life(sponsor- member) is a factor.After all I am nota super woman- I cannot keep my 'wild thoughts- my cravings ' in check all the time.When I slipped, it was just two drinks- I didn't repeat the folly till date but that was a sign that all's not well and worse can happen.

I made a small promise to myself yesterday- I wouldn't give up.This is one chance in life I have got to 'rescue' myself and I will have to see it done.I will continue living one day at a time, but no more meetings for me.I will keep reading literature,perhaps share thoughts in forum.I will be exposing myself to more danger of 'going over the waterfall' but if the HP is there looking over me it knows I have TRIED.

Sept_19_2002 · Veteran Member

Keep coming back Nisha.

You'll know when you're ready. These rooms and the program will still be here.

"The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking."

but if the HP is there looking over me it knows I have TRIED.

Please know that God's love is unconditional. He loves you enough to let you fall down so you can learn to get up.

-- Edited by Sept_19_2002 at 07:22, 2008-04-03

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Nisha,

keep in mind that not drinking is just the entrance fee for the change that occurs in us, through working the program and the coincidental self discovery, self love, self esteem, and maturation process that "happens" when we stay sober.

When we began to use alcohol, to relieve our feelings of low self esteem, fear, painful memories, we stopped growing emotionally and spiritually. We were left in a state of incompleteness in many areas of our life and it made us dysfunctional people. And these dysfunctions manifest themselves as coping skills, and reactions to people, places, and things that we felt/feel challenged by (real or imaginary). These are unneccesary and represent the barriers to our development and progress to becoming whole. So not drinking isn't the end all be all, it's just the first (and the largest) barrier that we must remove, so that we can begin the process of completing ourselves.

I hope this helps

Dean

jc2008 · Veteran Member

Hi Nisha,

I'm glad to hear that you still seem willing to fight for yourself, but I wish you didn't feel like you have to do it alone. You deserve help, support and friendship. I know you can find it here; perhaps you can still find it in meetings? I have. That doesn't mean that I click with every meeting or like everyone I meet, but I have managed to find some great meetings and great people. Perhaps your options are more limited where you live -- I don't know. In any event, no matter what, I hope you'll keep posting here.

As for your slip, the fact that you're still posting here shows how much you want to get help. I've heard horror stories of folks in the program who had a relapse and stayed out there for months or years, and lost everything.

Take care,

Jen

Nisha · Veteran Member

This sounds unbelievable even to me.After what I felt yesterday and even what i wrote today evening contradicts what I ended up doing.After already being on way to home, I kept thinking about the meeting, and etc. and I decided to make it today, just like that! I went with the feeling that I would keep mum and wouldn't say anything there.But at the meeting where I arrived 20 minutes late, I was only the third member.I decided to open up and tell others exactly what I was feeling, including my decisions not to make any meetings.While both the members were understanding they couldn't offer any reflection/insight on the 'anonymity and security problem' I have.Since I was not expecting it , that didn't hurt.On my decision not to make meetings, one said its up to me- if I think there is anything which will help me keep sober, let it be.I shouldn't push myself into meetings if getting physically there kills me.The other felt that like a nurse who reminds the patient of his regular medicine to be taken, I need meetings and physical presence of fellow members- other wise I will be careless more when none's watching me.

I felt good at the meeting coz I could cry and vent up also.Though I was not going to buy booze today but the craving was driving me nuts while at work itself.On a lighter note, I guess it helps me that I am a woman alcoholic in a conservative set up.Coz that also means I can't drink anytime I want to.I have to plan, get booze from a shop in a far off market etc.

I am surprised at today's outcome.But won't think much about it. I am glad I am writing here before going to bed.

Thank you all for your love and support.Ur reflections helped me a lot.Dean, what u said about not drinking being an entrance fee hit me right where it should have.

I will read literature, avoid HALT situations, and try be in touch with MIP and fellows in town.Maybe something will happen.I am not dead yet.Yes, I need help and I will not be shamed because of my weakness.U all have been thru all this and are still in the journey- u all understand, dat feeling helps.

-- Edited by Nisha at 12:49, 2008-04-03

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hi Nisha:
I was thinking about youre situation and thought maybe you could hook up with some people youve met in meetings and have your own private meetings! At your house, their house or even try to meet together in a coffee shop or something. Just a thought. Even if its only 2-3 people and least you have someone who supports you?????????

Glad all is feeling a bit better
Lani

Nisha · Veteran Member

Yes, Lani- thats a wonderful idea.I explored this couple of months ago but sensed some reluctance in having meetings in anyone's homes(including mine, anyways thats not a possibility.)But I can certainly request for the coffee shop meets.Lets see if it works.I know sumone whom I am comfy with- will just put it across.