I am having a lousy day. Hope you don't mind me sharing it. I realise it's always more encouraging to read an upbeat message, but the truth is, I don't have them to offer all the time. There is nothing drastically wrong, and the last thing I'm going to do is contemplate drinking... just having a bad day. A friend of mine once reassured me, that it's okay to have one every now and then. He said if you have two in a row, then you're obviously not giving the 12th step enough effort.
So I will share what measly offerings I have today, and keep trying to sort out the rest of my affairs.
I am angry today. Have tried swimming it off and spent half an hour chasing flys with a fly swatter I made (and found was quite effective with the flys at least). Also went for a ride on my bike to try and blow off some of those cobwebs in my mind. And I guess there's other things I could be doing to try and move through it, but I just feel like talking, I guess.
I have an issue with another person that I know I have absolutely no control over. But still I let it rent free space in my head. I have no real right to even consider it mine. It is no use to me whatsoever and has nothing to do with me really... but I liked pretending this morning that I had some right to call judgement on it. And in a few hours, there's a good chance I will do it again. No good can come from it if I do.
While I know I have to let this go and let the other person travel their own road, I thought myself so damn IMPORTANT this morning, that I had to go and voice my objection. Why oh why, can't I just keep it simple? A nod, shrug or smile would have kept the peace. Nope, I had to suggest the person was being selfish. Now the person wants to argue it. I'm not angry with them. I'm angry with me, but whether I will get the opportunity to admit that is a different thing. This could so easily turn into a situation that is just plain hurtful. Who the hell am I to evaluate someone elses intentions? Just some selfish being...
We do dumb things.... we say dumb things...every action has a reaction. Now I have to walk through the disharmony of my own actions... take my hands off and just say sorry. It's hard work, when the tendency to just come out in defense of myself is so strong. Someone is approaching and expecting a fight, and I have to surrender instinctual and habitual responses and just love em! Not easy.
Maybe that's why I have this time to roam around swatting flies with monumental impact and swimming laps like I'm off to save a drowning kid...and talking with you guys... at least I have some time to feel grateful and get myself back into a considerate frame of mind, rather than the infected one I started writing with. Yeah - I feel better.
Well... I couldn't do it. All the self talk in the world didn't make an ounce of difference. As much as I wanted to be calm... and not react... and just make peace. I didn't do any of that.
Instead, I just made things even worse. Am feeling pretty crappy right now. Rang a member, who was at a Carols by Candlelight. I could hear people singing. Feel very alone right now - and I brought it all on myself.
Sorry you are having a bad day. I'm glad we have a place to vent and share how we truly feel, with no judgement. I always have to remember "Progress not Prefection". It is always a gift to me when I reconize how I'm feeling, because in the old days I never knew what emotion was going through my head.Now even if I don't like the emotion, and don't want to feel it, I can own it, and work through it.
Keep swimming, keep killing flies, posting, and calling those program friends.
Angry at yourself? Been there. I guess if it werent for the bad days we wouldnt appreciate the good ones hu?
Whatever you are going through at present, I can likely identify with you all the way. However, we arent perfect. For every action, theres always a reaction.
Or we want to make something right, or fix something. which is already been done, and cant.
There are just some days we screw up in some manner--thats just the way it is.:)
And if it involves another? To me its just saying I love you and Im sincerely sorry.
I can kick my butt for days, over things Ive said or done, when in reality-Theres not a thing I can do about it. Nothing.
But we analyze the "H" out of it and try to make it better anyway. The only thing we accomplish is brain drain.
I used to have a habit of beating myself up. It was some time before the words "Let It Go" became a part of the 2 little brain cells I had left. :)
"Surrender" instead of fighting within, is another big one, I hafta uses daily.
Give yourself a kick in the butt, and onward we go!! You are not alone. :)
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
hi, Nic... there is a difference between useless venting and trying to work through an issue. Venting just goes on and on without getting anywhere, and working through something means we are looking at it, thinking aabout it trying to get some perspective, and struggling to resolve it. I think a big part of my family's dysfunction has been that we haven't worked through problems, but instead try to drown them with booze, with tears, with hysterics. It looks like you are trying to get a handle on this issue and are correctly using this forum as a support to you while you work it through, and I consider it a privilege to be here for this kind of help.
~hugs~
I am also trying to work through my feelings about the guy that I am kind of in a relationship with... my own fears and insecurities,,, and my feelings about some of the things he is doing that I don't like very much. So I have been going to 2 f2f meetings a day while I struggle to work it through without drinking.
I would like to make one comment about what you have told us... I think it is important to communicate to people constructive feedback about what they are doing that affects us,,, and part of recovery is to learn how to do that. but you are right that imputing the motive of selfishness is not constructive,,, but a personal attack. Whatever the behavior is,,, if it is hurting you it is good for them to know that through "I" statements - eg. It hurts me when you do that, because I feel ___. Discussing the objective issue in a constructive way lets us have a win-win resolution,,, whereas an accusation of selfishness demeans the other person.
this is just my take on things,,, and as the saying goes... take what you need and leave the rest.
I really struggled this morning to try to communicate in a constructive way with this person too. Being ACoA I don't have very good conflict resolution skills. After the meeting (he is in recovery also) I managed to say a couple of things, and he was gracious enough to listen and give me a good answer. "We both need to grow."
Progress and not perfection. Do your best and God does the rest.
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Good morning. Hope your feeling better by the time this message gets to you. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. Forgiving ourselves for these mistakes, percieved or real is absolutly vital. without mistakes we can learn nothing and as Phil said, without bad days is's hard to appreciate the good ones. It's often a lot easier for others to forgive us than for us to forgive ourselves, but it has to be done.
Keep smiling and have a good day today!
Best wishes.
Chris.
__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Thankyou everyone. I have spent some time chewing on humble pie, and working out what parts of this situation were mine to actually speak on. Friendship prevailed. I think sometimes I forget that things are different today - that we CAN talk through things that are disagreed upon, and it doesn't neccessarily mean there is going to be a loser. I was such an angry drunk, and thankfully, I don't get angry very much anymore. When I do, I still find it hard to process though. When the blood starts pumping and the adrenalin is rushing, I get just plain scared. I still say dumb things and run on impulse when I'm angry - so I really try to avoid sitting there. I bought 24 hours with the whole situation, and was able to come back with a bit of clarity, or at the very least move my focus from me to peace.
I realised too, that I have always found Christmas time tricky... I love Christmas and love watching the kids count down the days, but it always seems to have so much other family stuff attached to it, in my mind I think. It is kind of like stressful memories play over in the background. Not sure if others get that... So maybe I am just a little more on edge than usual, as I negotiate the "silly season".
I hope everyone else is having a great day and I thank you all for your wise words of encouragement. All is well again in our weird world.
