Hi, this is my first time entering a post so I guess I'll start with trying to summarize my story.
I went through a divorce 3 years ago. I was married for 14 years. Due to some trying times with custody battles with "JR'S" ex-wife he started drinking. For the last 7 years of our marriage he became a heavy drinker. We had 2 kids (one together and his son from his first marriage which I helped raise since he was 2 years old). We all lived with this "white elephant" until I could no longer handle it. About 2 1/2 years before our divorce I told him I was done and couldn't live that way any longer. He begged me to stay and for the next 2 1/2 years he'd make small steps to try and keep me. He always went back to drinking (or never really quit). The kids were suffering and begging me to get them out of it. I was so torn as I truly loved this man and had always wanted a family. Now mine was falling apart. I finally decided I had to do something when I figured out that if I didn't do something to get them out of their misery then they may take it into their own hands and have to pay for it with the rest of their lives so I divorced JR. I made it as easy as I could and we agreed on everything. The boys remained living with me. Through the years JR would never let go. He clung to us. When we'd try to move on with our lives he started hanging with a crowd he would not have normally hung with. He lost his job of 22 years with a Corporation and got to the point mentally he couldn't even pay his bills. Last January he went into the hospital with severe pain. It was his liver. He had jaundice amoung a lot of other problems. His family moved him back to their state and tried to help him get clean. He did good for about 4 months and returned to drinking. He continued struggling with it knowing it was going to kill him. Last September he almost lost his life as his organs started shutting down. He was able to come out of it, go into a Nursing Home/Rehab. No one expected it but he was able to pull himself together and was able to move out of the home. He unfortunately went back to alcohol. His last visit with our youngest son and I didn't go well as he drank and denied it when he was visiting. He didn't treat our son very well because of being drunk. Well about 3 weeks ago he had a seziure because of going through withdrawls. He went into the hospital. He can no longer speak normally, goes in and out mentally, sleeps a lot, walks with a walker, doesn't know how to use his cell phone, can not take care of himself. He's been placed in a nursing home. They do not know how much longer he will live. His body is full of toxins because his liver is so damaged (they only gave him up to a year after the last hosptialization). He is also retaining fluid. With all of this his tongue is swelled which made it hard for him to talk. I have cried many tears over watching this disease take a man, addict him to it so much that he lost his family, his job, everything he ever owned, his children's respect and now it's working on taking his life.
I went through all the emotions you do (anger, disappointment, guilt, hurt, etc.) through the years but now I find myself at the point of "why?" Why did this have to happen? Why did a man that had everything and seemed to be so happy with his family end up giving his life up to alcohol? I'm not ready to lose him. I'm not ready to no longer get that phone call even if it agravates me. I look at things we had together, I look at things he did around my home, and I cry for the loss. I go through the thoughts of maybe if we'd had handled things differently and I don't think I will ever feel as if I, his family or society did all that we could.
JR is 45 years old. He doesn't want to die but now it's too late. What made him feel he was not worth it? I never had a problem with social drinking from time to time but I have now grown a hatred for alcohol.
I know I am far from being alone but I feel I am. I feel that no one can come close to understanding how I feel. It's like the world should stop when the loss of this man comes but I know it will continue on as if he never existed.
Every time I see a story or post such as this one, it goes right straight to my heart.
The addiction, the disease of alcoholism.
The obsession, that no will power on ones own, can stop it or cure it. Like a cancer eating away, to a slow suicidal death.
How it can affect those we love and care for, the devestation, the destruction, of families, and everyone we come in contact with.
Do we mean to do harm or hurt anyone? No. Its the addiction and the obsession. There is no self control.
Very few reach out for help, and can reach out for help. I was one who had to loose everything,and everyone I loved around me, many times, and it came to a choice of living or death. I came into AA and still had the powerful compulsion to drink. I had many promises to loved ones in the past and meant them--I had went to Detox centers and rehabs--had attended AA meetings, and the obsession was too powerful. I wanted a normal life. Thats all I wanted. The obsession over rode it all.
Finally the guilt and remorse led me to a gun. I couldnt pull the trigger. I looked up and cried,"If there is a God, please help me. I dont want to die. He did help me. I called the AA number. I didnt want to. I had to. Today I am sober, one day at a time. If I pick up one drink-it means death.
You are not at fault. Your kids are not at fault. My heart goes out to you with love.
You can do absolutely nothing, except Let Go and Let God, and take care of yourself and your kids, as sad as it may be.
Go to Alanon meetings for you, where many others have been through and are going through, what you have. Meet others that understand with love. You are not alone.
As hard as it may be to do, take care of you. There is another way. There are new beginnings. There are just things in life, we have no control over. Alcoholism is one of them.
Thinking of you and your kids. May God watch over you and be with you. Phil
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
I forgave him long ago because I knew he never meant to hurt the kids and I. It was the disease that did it. I know because of his choices we did get hurt just as we are hurting at the upcoming loss of him but again all is forgiven in my heart because if there is anything I definitely knew is his love for the kids and I. I told him many times that I had forgiven him and he now needed to forgive himself. I don't think he could ever do that so goes the vicious circle of numbing the pain he felt with more alcohol which is what caused the pain in the first place.
I am not judgemental with addictions as I know it is a way to cover the pain of handling the "real world". I thank God every day that I do not have to fight something like that but I beg of the people that have addictions to know that the world is NOT better off without them. They are loved and they are worth something to someone.
Bless you Phil!
$20.00 Bill
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by
Holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who
Would like this $20 bill?" Hands stared going up.
He said "I am going to give this to one of you
But first let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the $20 bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up
In the air.
Well he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the
Ground and started to grid it with his shoe. He picked it up
Now crumbled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands
Went in to the air.
My friends we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter
What I did to the money, you still wanted it
Because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.00.
Many times in our lives we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt
By the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will
Happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or
Finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know but by WHO WE
It seems like divine intervention stumbling on to this site and on to this posting. I'm currently married, over 6 years to a man that is beautiful, talented, funny and big hearted. But, he's also an alcoholic and refuses to come to terms with it. Over the 8 years I've known him he's battled against alcohol. Every few months he binges for days and then when he sobers up says "I've got to stop, that's it, I'll just stop". And for a few months he's good, but as the months progress, week by week, he'll drink a beer, then a cranberry and vodka, then shots of Crown Royal and then the binge comes again.
I feel so lost. So trapped. So exhauseted and drained and most of all HEARTBROKEN. We were planning on having a baby but this week, he binged again and I realize, we can't bring a child into this marriage until he heals himself. He refuses to admit that there are deeper problems at work here. He thinks and says, it's just alcohol. I just abuse it too much. But he had a horrendous childhood, foster homes, abused, alcoholic mother...I mean...the list doesn't end.
I can't find it in my heart to leave him, to give up on him, on us. When things are good, it's heaven, but when it's hell...my God it's too painful to even comprehend.
Thank you for posting your Heartache post because I realize I'm not alone in this sadness and heartbreak. But I do fear, 20 years from now, my husband will be where yours is. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your strength to protect your children and yourself are inspiring. I just can't find the strength and feel so terribly helpless.
If anyone can give me some sort of advice. Anything. I will listen with an open heart. I never thought that I could end up in something like this. He's such a wonderful man. So loving, loving of everyone, except one, himself.
MM, I don't really know that to say. I have been right where you are and the turmoil of knowing what to do (as far as staying or leaving) tore me up. Although it broke my heart to get the divorce I still know it was the right thing and believe it or not I was not in the turmoil I was before. I did not really want it to end up with divorce but the rollar coaster ride of whether to stay or go was over. It's hard. You love them so you don't want them to feel you don't but you have to take care of yourself. You can get sucked up into the disease. It becomes your obsession on how to get them well. It consumes your life too. It's a family illness and believe me I've seen it in my own. It will affect your health eventually as it has mine (the stress of living with it). You will lose yourself as I did. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't change it. Take care of you.
I have never stopped loving my (ex) husband but I did make the step to protect my kids and myself from coming down with his addiction (although you still can come down in other ways). I know I did the right thing (although I never turned my back on him or became hateful through it either) but seeing it destroy him wasn't any easier just because I was no longer married to him.
I have been in contact with his family on a daily basis and the outlook is not good. They are calling in a hospice. He is getting worse with each day that goes by. I can only hope that he will still be with us on Sunday when I take our youngest son to see him. It is going to be SO hard because I know it will be the last time I get to look at him, hug him and tell him I love him.
I hurt because of the battle with this disease he had over the past 10 years. It took this man down. He was in denial all the way up to the point of the past week. He finally (in one of his good moments) told a nurse that had said she felt sorry for him to not feel sorry for him as he had done it to himself. It breaks my heart that he felt so much denial, shame and unworthiness that he lost to alcohol.
I wish I could take your husband with me to visit my dying (ex) husband on Sunday so he could see where he may end up. Mine started with beer and switched to whiskey. He's 45 and will not see his son graduate from high school, college, get married, have his grandkids, etc.
I do know he will be in a better place that he won't be battling this disease each day but I will cry for the loss of the man I married until the day I die.
Thank you - thank you - thank you for sharing with me. This is truly the first time I've reached out to anyone that could possibly relate or comprehend what pain I feel. I guess I will have to some day find the strength to leave if he doesn't get himself into AA/therapy and take this disease seriously. He's so deeply in denial, I can't even begin to understand. Last night I got the list of apologies, how he needs to "turn his life around", how he's going to take it "day by day" and "maybe if I only drink wine". It's just astounding to me. Truly shocked at his level of denial. He's said this all before. And I'm dissappointed in myself for every time having that hope that this time he really can do it (on his own).
Anyway, I want to thank you. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I don't know you but please know that your story and your words have made a difference in my life and my outlook on my marriage. I love my husband so deeply but I feel myself wilting away because I'm so consumed with him and his illness and pain. It's as if I have the disease because like you said it's a family illness. I never thought of it that way before.
So thank you again - because of this board & you, suddenly I feel a little less alone. My thoughts, prayers and blessings are with you and your family.
What beautiful inspiring women you both are. I am sitting here overwhelmed by the love you share and thinking how strong you both are, and what wonderful mothers you would both be.
Thankyou for being there for your husbands.
Thankyou for being here - helping to restore my faith in people, love and humanity.
Hi, this is my first time entering a post so I guess I'll start with trying to summarize my story.