While attending the wedding of my wife's neice yesterday I expereinced a range of emotions, of mostly the unpredictable kind. Along with the thoughts of wonder if this young marriage (I think they are 22, and 24) will last were thoughts of my expereinces past and oddly a culmination of feelings about many of the wife's large family that I've catalogued over the last 15 years.
I'm tempted to preface these remarks as an attempt to justify them but I won't. The wife grew up with an alcoholic father and codependent mother which of course insures lots of dysfunctional family structure. Alcohol is a main stay in the lives of all three of her older brothers lives, although they maintain families and careers.
So I find myself judging, resenting, character assasainating, wanting to jump out of my skin after the end of the 3rd hour of this combination wedding/reception being held in one place, a lakeside bed and breakfest. I seemed to know a lilttle too much about many of the family members there, through years of listening to my wife's comments about them, and the rest I filled in with my judgemental esp. The committee in my mind went along for hours unchallenged until I started to feel agitated. First with the photographer who obviously was not allowing others to take pictures and being very smug about it. I began to feel victimized by this as the wife asked me to take pictures, which I'm good at but am also a perfectionist and there where next to no good opportunities. So I made a comment to the photographer that he wasn't allowing anyone to take pics and he replied "all that matters is that I get mine".
My attitude went downhill from there. And I became aware that I was out of control in my head and wanted to be out of there After 3.5 hours most of the rituals had been performed and I asked my wife if we could leave early. We still had a 30 minuted drive to her brothers house to pick up my motorcycle and an hour and a half ride home from there. Of course it took another 30 minutes to get out of there and only managed to leave about 10 minutes early.
Aside from making a snide comment to the photographer, I kept my cool, but I couldn't help noticing how bothered I'd become and I'm trying to sort it out today. Not just the hot button issues like the sheer numbers of people heavily drinking and the subsequent inappropriate behavior, but more about my inability to let all that stuff go and just enjoy it for what it was. The lake setting was gorgeous, the sunset was a 15 on the scale of 10. The temperature was perfect and I could've easily spent a good deal of time hanging out on the pier chillin' out by myself but I felt compelled to stew in my moderate agony later in the evening.
I could make excuses for my character defects, and all the negative thoughts that I embelished as typical reactions to a difficult situation for a recovering alcoholic to be in, but I'd miss this tremendous growth opportunity to sort out what traits that I still share with the people I was so engaged with judging and resenting. That's the painful part. After a good deal of time "sober" I'm still acting and reacting like an alcoholic, imagine that.
Hey Dean: Imagine still thinking like an alcoholic! What a surprize huh!? I mean that in a funny way.... Sorry you were having a rough day! Looks like your not the only one this weekend!!!
My husband hates my family functions and would rather die than go to them!!! My family mostly doesnt drink and thats what he hated when he was drinking! Havent had many experiences of late with family functions so we'll see if its any better now that hes sober.
Could you have gone into this feeling negative in the first place? Did you gripe about going? Maybe that just put you in the wrong mindset? Im sure you'll figure it out and learn from it.
On the bright side, you got to see an awesome sunset!!!! On the beach yet!!!!! Hopefully mean Mr photographer let you at least take pictures of that!!!!
Hope you dont stew too long!!! Take a bike ride and enjoy your god-blessed weather! Still freezin here!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi lani, thanks for the well wishes. I'm ok today, and truthfully I didn't implode last night. I was just dissappointed in my reactions. I shared this as a means to expose the judgemental stuff that I'm so good at. I don't want to do it anymore, It makes me feel ugly inside. Plus I know what ever you are feeling toward or about others, you believe that others will be feeling about you. I call it "buy/sell" theory. If I'm buying into a behavior, then I'm selling it as well and visa versa. Too bad that knowledge doesn't translate directly to action. It's a growth opportunity. I want to be a nice person and this judgemental stuff has got to go.
I seemed to know a lilttle too much about many of the family members there, through years of listening to my wife's comments about them, and the rest I filled in with my judgemental esp. The committee in my mind went along for hours unchallenged until I started to feel agitated. I love that judgemental ESP Dean :) The very firt thought that come to mind when I'm being judgemental is that I might or probably am Lying to myself. I can usually suspend judgement by telling myself I just might be full of shit.
This sounds a little like what I go through around active drunks. You did pretty good though Dean. 3 hours is a long time to spend around a drunk fest. I thought I was the only one that had trouble with our future members.
One day at a time. You did good for that day.You know more about alcoholism. It makes sense you could see it at work. I think its ok for it to scare us a bit and feel concern. It doesn't put me in a good mood either to see lives and families decimated.
YOU stayed sober. Keep that in perspective! I still only go torestaurants and thats only for an hour. I have the opening of my brothers new Band on Saint Patricks day. I like to do recording and to be around music so I'll be there. There will be a point I have to leave also. God willing, I will do just that.
Saint Patricks day was a bad day in early sobriety because I felt no guilt since so many came out and got drunk. For a few days a year I could drink without guilt but guilt no longer keeps me sober. I threw it out as soon as I saw myself using it instead of faith to stay sober. I used anger also.
Restless, irritable and discontent. We are upset with others drinking with impunity. Thats always a warning sign for me, more meetings, more prayer and just being around others in recovery. That wedding took a lot out of your bank account. :) Go recharge Bud. Your sober by the grace of God, I'm glad for ya.!
thanks Tugg and Doll, I forgot about telling myself that I'm probably "full of shit". I use that when I'm trying to victimize myself over someone's actions but never thought to use when being judgemental . going to a meeting today.
Thats what I love about this board and AA in general...We spew what we need to, get it off our chest, get a lot of great advise, deal with it and ta da , we gone on!!! Yes it may still bug us but for sure it is cut in half at least!
I guess all's I can say is, Dean, Im glad youre human!!!! So you can get off the pedestal I had you on!!!! haha (soooo kidding, ya know I love ya!!!!)
Hang in and enjoy your meeting!!!!
-- Edited by lani at 14:58, 2008-03-02
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
From what I can tell from what you've shared here is that you got your s**t together. As for the committee in your brain, it appears that you gave them a wonderful setting for them to work out in. Weddings are great emotional celebrations of new beginnings and hopes. Add the bonus of watching people de-evolve with alcohol and merriment, resentment and alienation aren't too far behind for the alcoholic's committee.
I find whenever I'm around people who don't suffer from the disease of alcoholism and addiction my committee starts kicking the crap out of me too but the truth for me is that it's not an option. It is exactly the same as if had lost a leg - dancing my ass off wouldn't be an option either. The best I can do is accept, do my best and move on. So kudos to you that you went to the celebration gave your love, respect and support and when you had enough you left. From what I hear that's what normal people do
As for the photographer, he's probably always been an A***ole a really really long time and that last time I checked the prerequisites for being one ... is that there aren't any - it's a whole other disease
"....but more about my inability to let all that stuff go and just enjoy it for what it was." In retrospect, what would you have done differently? It sounds like it was a good time and could have been even better. I've gotten a kick out of watching people change when they imbibe and it just reinforces my desire not to. If they need it to have fun and loosen up, so be it. Aside from that, when I felt a good opportunity for a picture come about and the "pro" photographer said something to me, I would have said "just a sec" and continued with what I was doing. I don't believe he would have interfered if he is truly professional. Do remember though...he was hired to do the job. Anyway...keep the fond memories and discard the B.S. Take care my friend...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Just goes to show this alcoholic that even people with many years of sobriety remain "humans" and get caught up in "life" situations. The main thing here is your ability to analyze the day in an honest, sincere way and come to a good understanding of your thoughts, feelings and actions during the day. You are proof that the program works for those that work it and that sure helps me a lot! Thank you.
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Thanks for your sharing, Dean. I'm glad that despite how your head was, you were still able to look for & appreciate the beauty in the situation too. I find this element really difficult & it disturbs me when I'm ill at ease & in confict trying to simply let go & enjoy the good stuff. Fear, resentment & judgementalism can be rife in me too & I hate it when I have all these contradictions inside me instead of feeling like I can simply have an opinion & that's all it is. I get scared of having an opinion for fear of being wrong, full of shit, ignorant, small~minded & stupid but tis only an opinion, at the end of the day. A flying thought worth forgiving & letting go. Maybe, sometimes it's because I'm feeling left out & disconnected so my controlling quality kicks in. These are all the things your post reminded me of for myself. I don't know if there's any themes there for you. I'm not assuming that. I wanted to mention Steps 6 & 7. I call these the secret steps cuz alkies don't mention them in shares much but I'm beginning to realise the power in their potential. I'm working on my relationship with my HP right now & exploring it in new depths & with a special relevance to these Steps. They challenged my faith over the weekend & I got my first taste of truly offering something up for removal. First with willingness & then with humility. I challenged my faith & belief & said 'I either have a faith in my Higher Power or I don't!' I realised that if I didn't then I couldn't go on to make the program work for me & I wanted it so bad. I wanted to have my Higher Power so I said 'Yes' & handed over. I'm not trying to teach you how to suck eggs here. I reckon you already know. I'm sharing for some encouragement to find out if you think I'm along the right tracks. Would 6&7 have helped in the wedding situation? So I can follow by your continuing good example.. ;) Thanks for being here & sharing with us, Dean! Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Maybe, sometimes it's because I'm feeling left out & disconnected so my controlling quality kicks in. I'm sharing for some encouragement to find out if you think I'm along the right tracks. Would 6&7 have helped in the wedding situation?
That's exactly what was going on. I was allowing People's behavior to irritate me and I wanted to say something about it and couldn't . And of course judgementalness, intollerance are character defects but I never thought asking for them to be removed at the moment I was using them .
. going to a meeting today.
