I virtually did nothing over the weekend.Just slept off the whole day yesterday and today.I am on anti-depressant since last 4 days. It does make me go to sleep.But also leaves a feeling of lethargy for the next day.Needless to say I didn't do any work at home, all those files that I brought home stood staring into my face just where I left them friday evening.
I have a job that I need to save.I have assignments that I need to complete.I am not getting enough motivation to do so. Procrastination is at its worst. Its like even over a simple chore I am dragging my feet. I am losing that faith in myself.
Time seems to fly and I seem not to do as much I imagine I could.Its a feeling of low, of self-esteem going downhill.I do not feel like drinking for sure, that thought is off my head, because I have realized that is beyond my control, and also its after affects doesn't really make me feel very bright. Yet, am feeling low, and sad and a little frustrated with myself. I guess, I need to practice more patience.
Tomorrow is the start of another week, a lot of work in store for me.
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
Hi Nisha, Sorry youre feeling so low! I too have days where I have no motivation and just feel like sleeping. Then, like you said, time flies by, I accomplished nothing, and I feel worse. I always found, getting up, showering, going to a meeting a venting all these things helpful. Then, I get home, and am ready to jump start my day and get something done.
Once I dive into whatever it is I need to do, it takes my mind off whatever crazy stuff is going on in my head and i forget it for a while!
Good luck to you! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hey Nisha, I think you shared that there are no women where you are (where was that again!!!!!! Im moving! haha) My sponsor hated women for a long time. Her first sponsor was a man and I had a chance to meet him and he was awesome! Kept her sober. Although they tell us to stick with our own sex, if worse comes to worse, if its a man that will help you, go for it. The bottom line is staying sober and having someone you can trust.
Find a meeting and go from there!!!
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I live in a city where except for Thursday all have been institutional meetings(rehab centers) where I feel very uncomfortable.I got a touring job, I try my best to make the thursday meeting, but often it doesn't work.There are only about 8 regular members in AA group here.Initially it has been challenging for me being a woman, also in a conservative society that my city has, where being woman alcoholic is too big a taboo.That was also one of the reasons why I kept on wavering away from the program(no excuses, but it was also one of the factors).Once in the rehab centre where mostly drug addiction patients were kept, I was late for a couple of minutes, and in the short while that I spent making the guard understand that I was a genuine member of AA who wanted to attend the meeting going inside,I was frowned upon, stared at and half a dozen questions asked not only by the guard(which was his duty, anyways) but by quite a small crowd that gathered consisting of members of the institution, family members of staff of the institution residing in the campus.Soon, some member from inside came and 'rescued' me, and I was led inside.That gave me a very bad experiece and I felt very low.I hve not managed to make those meetings since then.
What makes it also difficult for me is that all the meetings in my city are held in campus of institution known professionally to me.The anonymity factor is missing.I know that I also need to come out of my shell and all these things shouldn't bother me as much as teh need to get sobre. But I know I live in an unsafe society and many of my fears are for real too.
Good part is that membersof the group have started realising my problem, and two of them who empathise with it, have suggested airing out theconcern in the next larger meeting where a decision could be taken to hold meetings at neutral places where none's safety and anonymity is compromised.
In course of my interactions within AA in my community, I was in touch with old timers from another city, who were also very caring.10 days back when I was breaking up with my boyfriend, one of them suggested that I come over there and stay for the weekend.I went there,and attended all women's meeting and even met a 14 years sobre woman member with whom I had earlierspoken over phone.It was an awesome experinece for me.Being used to not more than 8 members at any given time, it was like 35-40 people together ina mix meeting, with sharings so powerful that they touched my souls, theyere mostly English speaking, I could identify myself a lot more, and then the all women meeting was great as well. Those two days gave me the push, and courage to move ahead with determination, and since coming back, I have been atleast writing on the board, and sometimes, calling someone up to sort out the neutral venue bit.
Having said that I have been followed on my way back home on 2 ocassions(after attending rehab meeting), my residence number has been called up once by an unknown person findng out if that was Nisha's number,and saying something connected to meeting in rehab(my mom picked up)- all this when I never gave out my residence number or address to anyone in thegroup. Even my mobile number is with 3 members only.I have shared these things before with members, while some seemed to think I am getting hyper, some undertood. I was, and still am not williing to blow things out of proportion, I need these members,and have accepted these experiences as part and parcel of the deal.The external factors are in nobody's control.I trust the fellow members that they never mean any harm, and I am also trying to come out of my own shell.My friends from another community are in touch with the my community's group as well.Recently an old member from there has shifted to my community who is also trying to work out the things.
I was thinking at a time that I can have male sponser, because fro me, hving someone reachable matters.The only male member I felt close to spiritually, is perhaps shifting out of town.However there is this woman member from the other town, whom i write to somtimes, and perhaps, I can take a call, and request her to be my sponsor.The only problem is thedistance doesn't make things very practical.
I am optimistic, if I have managed to come this far, things will definitely work out, at its own pace perhaps.
All u guys out there mean a lot me, and it helps me to keep sobre, and feel strong each day.
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 06:56, 2008-03-20
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
Try to stick with that woman if you can. It sounds like a woman in AA in B-- is too new of a novelty. I wouldn't let distance bother you if you can phone her. You have a right to your anonymity. I hope the group comes up with a solution. Do not give out your phone number to the men. You should be collecting phone numbers at this early point rather than giving them out. I would make an exception for other women of course.
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 06:57, 2008-03-20
Thanks for coming and sharing with us. You have an incredible amount of determination and desire to go forward.
Tuggboat's suggestions are very sound. Distance diffuses the immediacy but is still workable. Continue talking to the people you're comfortable with.
From your first posts here and today's you have grown tremendously and you are doing everything you're supposed to do. You have great courage and strength and we are all grateful that you bring it here to share with us.
Hi Nisha, wow. Your troubles with meetings and sponsors give me great gratitude with the many choices I have available locally. No advise today, sounds like you're doing everything possible to utilize what AA there is available to you. Also sounds like you're eventually making a difference for other women who will be following your path in your town. For that you should be commended. I imagine that there must be much suffering by women there that don't have a safe AA group to turn to. This will be a big contribution if you can bring about that kind of a change. Keep up the good work.
Welcome to MIP, Nisha. Well done for starting a thread & sharing with us. You're a great example of desire & determination for sobriety. You're working hard to keep your motivation up & identifying your personal hurdles there for you to leap. You mention all your difficulties & then you talk through what you can do about them & what your options are. That kind of commitment is setting you in good stead & you're already working hard for your sobriety. Keep up the goodwork, Nisha! Great inspiration. I'm sorry you've had some unpleasant experiences so far. The fact that you're prepared to do whatever it takes inspite of these shows how much you're growing & as Dean says this will help future women who follow in your footsteps. I hope you'll continue in keeping yourself safe & seeking support. It seems your presence is helping to make a difference in how things have been run. Don't let any of these early inconveniences put you off. You'll find the help you need as you keep asking for it. I hope you can meet more friends too to share your journey with. I don't like that you've been followed & had anomynous phonecalls. I hope these experiences phase out quick! Take whatever precautionary measures you can to keep yourself safe so you can keep coming back! Thanks for all your efforts, Nisha. I hope you enjoy your well earned sobriety as a result of. Well done, lady. Share with you again soon, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
