We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships - behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies.
We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked.
Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pulls us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable.
Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation.
When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, "Oh, never mind, that's not for you to worry about," that's a game. We need to recognize it. We're about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen.
We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need.
What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, and the cues that hook us into a predictable and often self-defeating behavior?
What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another?
Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we're dealing. They know what they're doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don't follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours.
We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us.
If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from us. If someone baits the hook, we don't have to bite it.
Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty others, and I deserve.
From The Language of Letting
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
This an interesting topic. Today I am happy to say that I do not have anyone in my life that I would be co-dependant with. I think there is a difference between dealing with a love-relationship and a friend-relationship. These are good things to be aware of and it is good that you recognize these things. I was talking to a fellow member and we were discussing awareness. We both mentioned how we are lucky to be aware of our patterns and behaviors. Some people are too blind to see their own character defects. On the other hand some say that they don't take other's inventories. I believe that when it comes to our sobriety and our well being it is a must to check peoples motives and behaviors.
I live an Oxford House where I have to watch who I hang around with. I have to protect my sobriety. So if one of my roonmates or fellow member is trying to con me or have me co-sign there BS then I will have to take action. Some people are looking for someone to go down the tubes with. For me that is where my HP comes in. I can always ask for His help. Great topic!
I like this post and have found myself doing just that especially in my work life. Ask, tell me what you need. I cant read your mind. It makes me and my patients much happier! Im also setting boundaries with my patients and letting them know exactly what to expect from me....I usually get suckered into their room and never get to leave! Now I prioritize, in a caring manner, and were all happier! Thanks Q-Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks for the post. I am trying really hard to do this with my mother. She gossips about other family members and I use to. It's one upping at others expense. So she says I hear that so and so's daughter dropped out of school. I say, Mom, why don't you ask the parents. I feel so much better about myself. I have been hurt by her triangles. I tell her somethings confidentially and as soon as I hang up she calls my sibs and tells them. And it goes around and around. Never directly. Avoidance I guess.
I've found that working on codependency issues helps my ability to work with others in AA. The best work I've done in this regard was with Alanon members that were still married. I don't know why this is but it is my experience.. for what thats worth, I don't know. It may be a fluke. I seem to have two shades of codependency. One is a result of my ACOA stuff and the other believe it or not is the result of my live saving death grip on AA. :)
I guess I've developed a marriage of sorts to our fellowship, a spiritual bond and a deep, hopefully lifelong commitment and/but dependency. Some people struggling with codependency, I should say many, find physical separation from their dependent party expeditious. Of course with AA, this is not an option. It really seems that the recovering people that have hung in with us as individuals have developed very sharp resources to cope with us in all of our wondrous egotistical madness :)
Unfortunately they remain for the most part an unopened vault just off in the room next door.
