This a pretty long and complicated story, but I will try to keep it simple. The purpose of me posting this here is to get some feedback that's not just regurgitated AA cliches'. I would really like to hear some true, honest experience, strength and hope on this.
Me and my girlfriend met about 2 years ago in a professional environment, but quickly became drinking buddies and fell deeply in love. Yes, it was true insanity, but there was also a mutual feeling of us being meant to be together, true soul mates. I will spare all the details of the "war stories", there are plenty. But there are also memories of true happiness, true love. Even before we came to AA we often spent all-nighters talking about spirituality and our relationship with God. We would pray together for guidance and peace. Her prayers were answered about 6 months ago when she reached a bottom and was introduced to AA. I Myself, having a previous history with AA (12 years clean & sober before returning to alcohol about 5 years ago) and some serious resentments against the behavior of people in recovery, wasn't quite ready to stop yet.
She stuck with me though, for 6 months while she was in AA, and I was drinking. Now, it wasn't ALL hell. We had plenty of good times, and shared some wonderful times together. But the lifestyle caught up with me as I was turning into a serious "binge" drinker. My disease was telling me to get hammered whenever she wasn't around because I couldn't drink around her. I truly had some shameful moments to say the least. Finally, the day after one of these moments, I called her and asked her to put me in touch with someone from AA. She did.
I went to a meeting on my 3rd day sober. I knew I was back home. Even though physically I was going through absolute hell, my heart finally felt hope again, MY GOD it was the most wonderful feeling to know that I didn't have to drink that day! During the next couple of days (it's all kind of a blur now) I went to meetings and met new people, read a lot, tried to begin a routine of meditation and prayer, but mostly just tried to get to meetings and listen. During this time, we spoke together about our relationship with each other and with God. We made no promises or decisions, just talk and prayer.
One night we sat together for 2 hours and held hands and prayed together and cried and hugged. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, I felt like a child again. Like I was capable of anything. We said our goodbyes for the evening.
The next day, I got an email from her stating that she was breaking up with me and that we were to have no more communication. period. She needed to work on herself and so did I. I was floored. I was devastated. I mean, I totally understood what she was saying, but the timing (me 4 days sober) blew me away. She stuck with me for the 6 months I was still drinking and she was sober, and she waits for me to get sober to break up?!
I mean, I know this program, I know that it is difficult to work on a relationship while working on the program. But people in AA are not unique to this, it happens in ALL relationships in the real world. I've had a lot of mixed feedback from people in the rooms. Some was helpful, some obvious misunderstandings of the big book. I know this program works (I'm 24 days sober now) but, I refuse to be someone who hides in these rooms from the real world.
I tried unsuccessfully to keep this post short, but thank you if you took the time to read it. I'm just hurting real bad right now. I know it will get better. It feels good to look at the words that are in my head.
Sorry to hear about all the extra emotional pain. I had to let go of quite a few friends. Remember the people places and things stuff? You need to focus on YOU now. She is not the reason you got sober and if she is you will drink again.
Start trying to just work your program. It may be a blessing that she's given you the elbow room to work a program yourself, but hang in there. Your not even detoxed yet. You might have your hands full just staying sober for this 24 hours.
Perhaps you got sober for her and not yourself. Can you remember how important that is? One sentence you wrote seems to say you were ashamed. We know all the shame in the world will only make us drink more. squash the shame with acceptance of your disease.
You have a disease that once you start you can't stop. If you don't pick up the first drink, this physical compulsion will not return. Be careful because you still have the physical compulsion going on inside your body. After the alcohol burns out of your blood you still have all the crud that stays in your body for a couple weeks. Its this crud that wauses emotional pain, physical craving and remorse.
This to shall pass but your body needs more time. You might try a gentle walk. It will help circulate that poisoned blood through your abused liver. :)This might clean you up a little faster. get some extra water, that will help. Some decaf dor a few more days might be wise instead of hi-test coffee but remember. Coffee is absolutely essential to recovery and the best stuff is made at AA meetings :)
I'll cjheck back tonight in case your watching this board
I remember being on this board at some point Phil, and copying your post "LETTING GO TAKES LOVE" and emailing it to myself. Thank you, I read it every morning.
If I had just quit drinking for her, I would've done it 6 mos ago when she did. She asked me to come with her, but, I knew I wasn't done yet. Yes, drinking lots of water, and there is one HAPPY HAPPY PUPPY who is getting about 5 walks a day. She likes me a lot better sober. Thanks Tugg.
I guess the hardest part of this whole thing is being unable to share this new, amazing, sober life with the woman I love. I know that sounds selfish, but, it's how I feel.
Share it this new amazing sober life with yourself and journal a bit of it. While the gratitude is fresh in your mind, make a gratitude list to share with yourself. little can compare with the feeling of freedom when the chains first drop away. Catch it while its fresh. put it on paper. Now is a great time to write about why you quit drinking too. The pain quickly fades. Its good to remember why your last drink was your last if you remember what I mean.
A big welcome to both of you from us all at MIP. I'm glad you've found this board. I enjoy it alot & it really helps me to continue to invest in my sobriety & learn how to live sober. Mister, please don't be scared of the pain you're currently in. It seems the most ironic thing in the world for you both not to be together right now & it's probably taken her just as much courage not to be with you too. The point & the gift is that you'll now be completely bare, exposed & vulnerable to all of the stuff you have to face in yourself & the important aspect of this is that the tremendous pain this causes you will teach you to grow in ways you'd be unable to in the comfort of being with someone else. I'm single & trying my best to stay so too even though it hurts & it's such a journey. I get confused all the time like there was someone I wanted to recover for & get back with but now that seems to have changed. Has had to change cuz we've both changed & dealing with our lives in different ways. It gets frustrating cuz I didn't know how it was going to turn out or how I even truly wanted it to turn out. Now I feel the pain of being alone & sometimes lonely & wondering if I can bear it on my own. I know I can 1Day@aTime but when I'm feeling that it clouds my head & I feel strange like I end up not knowing who I want to be with anyway. I know that while I have this confusion I certainly shouldn't be with anyone. That's just for me right now. I know you feel you know who you want to be with but being single really is a good part of the process though it doesn't feel like right now. You'll reap the most benefit from what's to be had from recovery and especially so because it is painful. I'm sorry for your pain & hurt. I hope you feel you're being taken care of slowly & in one way or another. Take heart & stay strong. You're doing really well & I'm glad you're managing to be here & sharing your courage with us. Thanks for your ES&H, Tuggboat. Danielle :)
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Relationships have proven to be difficult at best, and very painful at worst for me in sobriety.
I finally got the wakeup call almost 9 years ago when the ex-fiance walked out, leaving me devastated.
I realized that once again I had fallen into codependency, an issue I had refused to address despite my sponsor's urgings over the years.
It seemed for the longest time when I would go out in public, all I would see were happy couples.
I'm sure that's not the case, but that is what my mind picked up on, and it hurt so bad.
I made a commitment to my recovery. You see, I did go back out there and research some more after 4 years sober the first time around. I was just sure I had found true love, and he had been sober for two years.
It wasn't meant to be, and he went out and drank again. I wasn't far behind him either.
It wasn't worth it. No one is worth throwing away the recovery I have worked so hard for.
He hooked up with an active alcoholic/addict who had never been in recovery, and they are still married over 16 years later.
I just ran into him in the grocery store this past week, the first time in years. I didn't recognize him at first.
He's gotten the big beer belly, his skin coloring wasn't very good, and his eyes were so bloodshot it made me hurt just looking at them.
I am so very grateful that I don't have to drink over anything today. There is nothing so bad that a drink won't make it worse.
I try very hard to live in the moment, and that seems to work best for me.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Thanks for sharing everyone. All of you made me think about a lot of things. I'm grateful for this board and this program. I'm going to sleep, but I will keep checking back in the days to come.
I know that you hurt real bad. I have also felt the pain like what you are describing, and even now, years later, every once in a while I feel an ache in my heart for what didn't work out then.
But life does go on, and we do find peace and happiness. I know that for me, a little counseling went a long way in the relationship department. My sponsor will not give me too much advice on relationships, as she says that counsellors are truly better equipped to handle that sort of stuff than your average alcoholic. And she was right!!
Please take care, and know that there are folks here who understand, and who are rooting for you.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Thanks, yeah it hurts. Some days are better than others. Went to a meeting today and heard exactly what I needed to hear (as usual). This program never ceases to amaze me.
I guess the hardest part for me is, for 2 years, I gave her plenty of reasons to break up, especially during the last 6 months (while she was sober and I was drinking). But she stuck by me through all of that, and then chose to break up with me in my first few days of my recovery. I like the idea of counseling, especially when my insurance kicks in, ironically it WAS her sponsor that told her to break up with me.
All that aside, I am trying to use this opportunity to be alone without isolating. To reflect and meditate, to discover a closer relationship with God. I don't know what lies ahead and that is really scary for me. Faith and acceptance is what I'm really having a hard time with right now. But like I said, each day I pray and go to a meeting it seems to get better.
Hey mister, Youre right where you need to be....(my sponser says that almost daily and it drives me nuts, but she;s right!)
My thoughts go to Thank god she stuck around that 6 months and possibly planted a seed for you to see how good sobriety can be. It doesnt make sense now but I'll bet some day it will! Take this time to work on YOU, just as she is doing. My husband of 19 years and I are both in the program now. He's got 6 months and today as a matter of fact I finally have 90 days!!!! Its hard being in the program together but it was alot harder being without it! Who knows, someday your paths may cross again and it will be all for the right reasons! You'll both be happier and more honest with each other! If not, wasnt meant to be! Best of luck...work on you...you're worth it!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
First off, welcome back, hypothetically speaking, we've been waiting for you. So many times I've heard it said that a healthy dose of AA will ruin anyones drinking.
Not only did I read your entire post, but everything else too! Lots of really nice stuff here.
But something that really stands out for me is something lani said:
Its hard being in the program together but it was alot harder being without it! Who knows, someday your paths may cross again and it will be all for the right reasons! You'll both be happier and more honest with each other! If not, wasnt meant to be! It really is tough when two people together in a relationship are in AA, very tough, unless they can separate their personal program approaches and still be a couple.
You have to consider that maybe your HP put this woman in your life as His key to get you back on track. In that light, be thankful for her, wish her all the success that you want. Learn to love her for the results she brought into your life, and ask your HP for guidance, He'll be there.
And you never know, maybe like lani said, you'll meet her again under more favorable terms, if not it, wasn't a part of your HP's plans.
Glad to see you here today. Bruce
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Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
I have no problem not working my husbands program!!! Now all's we have to do is have a chat with him!!!HAHA
Honestly, he's not too bad!!!!
Thanks Matay for all the E,S & Hope.....You'll fit in just fine....
Hey, ever been to Rio? Im dying to see the Cristo Redeemer! Its my screen saver!! Just curious!
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi Mister sorry your in so much pain but it will get better. I have been there i got married to a man who i lived with for five years because he kept he wanted us to be together for ever.So on the 29 5 1999 we got married and on the 5 8 1999 he left me for some one eles but i belive my god did that to help me because that same year i got sober and i am very happy today with a new man and a good lift sorry about the spelling i am not very good at writting and spelling anyway you takecare and be good to you Love and fellowshipe Linda
