I have just found out my son is useing coke and gabling every bit of money he has is there anything i can do to help him. Or should i let go with love and ask god to help us both ,please can any-one help me and tell me what i should do thanks Linda xxxxxxxx
Linda, I am so sorry for your pain, and I understand.
I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, but I also have a daughter who will be 30 next week who is an active alcoholic/addict.
If you haven't already, I'd suggest going to the Alanon board here at MIP.
Also, if you have any Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area, I would encourage attending some.
I was my daughter's worst enabler for a long time, and my parents continued to enable long after I had finally let go and let God.
After the 3 grand Dad forked out to a bail bondsman for her, and she was back in jail just 2 days later, he finally realized it was all in vain.
She's been in and out of jail, has a ton of fines to pay now from the last charges/jail stay, has lost custody of her children, and still uses/drinks.
I am finally able to sleep at night and have peace of mind thanks to the program and the concepts of tough love, and letting go.
I will keep you and your son in my prayers ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by TenderheartsKS at 18:06, 2008-01-19
-- Edited by TenderheartsKS at 20:18, 2008-01-19
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Hey Linda, I cant imagine the pain your in having found all of this out! Its probably scary for you! Youre in my thoughts and prayers as is your son. My younger brother was addicted to crack and it killed the whole family! Im happy to say today, he is sober over one year and is working a great program! There's hope for us all! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Sorry to hear this. My prayers go out to you and your son.
Can you do anything? Yes. You can let your son be responsible for his own actions just like TenderheartsKS has done with his/her daughter. It will be tough, probably one of the toughest things to do but in the end, you really don't have any other choice.
God Bless you Bruce
By the way TenderheartsKS, my prayers are for you too.
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Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
Thankyou all very much for your help it dos help to know i can share how i am feeling obout this. He went out to his friends last night and never came back and his phone is of . His grilfriend who he was liveing with asked him to get out befor christmas because he would not give her any money for bills and food todld us about the coke and all the other htings he gets up to when we asked him about it he told us it was all true and asked us for help. We could not give him money but we go him a job at the same place as me he got paid yesterday and now he has goine.And should of been in work tonight i know he is not there because the maneger has rang here looking for him god help us all in this house. Lindaxxxxxxxxx
Linda, be very careful about setting him up with jobs, especially a place where you work. He's NOT going to be a reliable employee.
I think you're seeing that a job did not solve the problem, but rather put a paycheck in his hand eventually that he's now out blowing on a binge.
Do not cushion his fall, do not take away his consequences of his behavior.
I know how hard that is. My parents almost 'loved' me to death. I know they did the best they could with what they had. However, I stayed out there a LONG time because they were catching my falls and bailing me out of my messes.
My daughter is extremely resourceful, and has never been homeless for more than 24 hours because she always finds another sucker to take her in.
I did try to help when she did her first time in jail (9 months total on felony drug charges), and let her come to stay with me under certain conditions when she was released.
It took her less than 30 days to turn this household upside down, suck her then 15 year sister into her sickness, and I showed her the door.
I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
I have a lot of heart for parents suffering through this. My mom would say stuff like. Son don't walk up through the alleys at night, You don't know what kind of people are down there and I would say, mom, I'm one of those people and she would cry. It stinks
Its not your fault. You didn't cause it and neither can you control it, you won't be able to cure it either. Family is about the most ineffective presenter of the solution that there is. Its not you, we just know that if we listen to you we'll lose our booze or drugs. Worse than that you'll have won a battle and even if your right and deserve to win, we can't let you.
You can find help for your own pain and heartache. You can do actions that "allow him" to find sobriety when it is his time. You can learn not to do things that "play into" his plans to find someone else to blame and take responsibility for their addiction. You can learn not to "lessen their pain" when their pain is the only thing that might bring him to recovery.
Its not you personally. We can't live without this stuff or so we think.
Hi linda here i know all the things you are saying are right as i have done all of this myself and i had to do the work myself to get wherei am today. My partner has told me not to take over and let him get well his way. My petner used to take drugs as well and keeps asking me to let go that he wont get well if i do everything for him , Anyway thankyou all very much my hp will have to take this one because i cant . Linda xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
There you go Linda. Put him in Gods hands. Don't try to much to tell God what to do, just release him into his care and sit back and watch.
I have switched the third step prayer around a bit.
I put the persons name in instead of the reference to myself.
God, I offer (name here) Linda's son to you to build with and to do with as you please. relieve Linda's son of the bondage of self that he may better do your will. Take away Linda's sons difficulties that victory over them might bear witness to those linda's son might help of you power, your love, and your way of life.
Hi. my name is Mike. I am a cocaine addict and attend Cocaine Anonymous so I felt I should reply. I am blessed to say that I have a wonderful relationship with my parents today. I honestly can't understand how after all the hell I have put them through that they can forgive me because I have done some horrifying things to them. I really don't try to figure it out I am just glad that God has given me some grace and filled both of our hearts. I can only say that it was only until my friends and family had cut me off that I was able to see the true nature of my disease. My parents and friends have quickly supported me because they saw a profound change in me before I could. I will say a prayer for you and your son upon awakening. That is the biggest gift I can give. " We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics." Alcoholics Anonymous pg. 30.
