Accepting Anger

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Accepting Anger

lostmdboy · Veteran Member

I delt with a lot of anger early in my sobriety. (not that i still don't, but I am getting better) Until I did my 4th step, and found out where it was coming from. It all originates for me from fear. For me so much of my early program is growing up, and acting like a big boy, instaed of hideing in a bottle.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Mellodie Beattie (author of "The language of leeting go) is not a recoverying alcoholic and her writings here directly conflict with AA literature, of all kinds, with regards to dealing with anger as posted here

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42735&p=3&topicID=14233950

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 09:31, 2008-01-14

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

If acknowledging anger means accepting it, then I feel there is a place for this post here. I don't think that it makes any reference to nursing anger into resentment. We have to know that we are angry before we can then ask 'Why am I angry?' 'What is it in this situation that I find unacceptable?' 'What can I do to change this reaction in me to deal with the anger productively?' or 'What can I do to accept what it is I'm angry about or what can I take courage to change what I'm angry about if it's appropriate for me to do so?' We can't wish away anger into non~existance because there will always be a flash of it to begin with. It's human nature & impossible not to experience on some level at some time or other & depending on whether we're having a 'good' day or a 'bad' day ;) It's what we do with it that counts & I think that's where the interest of this post lies & what makes it relevent to recovery & our program. Think a little longer for a moment if you will please, Dean. I know what your point is. Will you indulge me & give us an example of where the above post is relevent to & can be used in your program? I'd like to hear your ES&H in this. Yours respectfully & recovering, Danielle x

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Sobrietyspell wrote:

If acknowledging anger means accepting it, then I feel there is a place for this post here. I don't think that it makes any reference to nursing anger into resentment. We have to know that we are angry before we can then ask 'Why am I angry?' 'What is it in this situation that I find unacceptable?' 'What can I do to change this reaction in me to deal with the anger productively?' or 'What can I do to accept what it is I'm angry about or what can I take courage to change what I'm angry about if it's appropriate for me to do so?' We can't wish away anger into non~existance because there will always be a flash of it to begin with. It's human nature & impossible not to experience on some level at some time or other & depending on whether we're having a 'good' day or a 'bad' day ;) It's what we do with it that counts & I think that's where the interest of this post lies & what makes it relevent to recovery & our program. Think a little longer for a moment if you will please, Dean. I know what your point is. Will you indulge me & give us an example of where the above post is relevent to & can be used in your program? I'd like to hear your ES&H in this. Yours respectfully & recovering, Danielle x

Hi Danielle,
Your points are well taken. My exception to MB's obsession with anger (this is like the 4th daily reader topic of anger, in as many months) is that she's trying to rationalize her anger instead of realizing that she has a problem with anger.

Do we drink just because we think about drinking? So why get angry just because we think about it? It starts as a thought right? This is what MB says that you should do with that thought.

"Today, I will let myself be angry, if I need to. I can feel and release my emotions, including anger".

Why not just [I]"let myself be drunk, if I need to"?[/I]    What's the difference?
Anger leads to dry drunks, that lead to wet drunks. That statement "Today I will let myself be angry" is in direction opposition to what the AA program tells us and MB is making a point of telling the reader to disregard what the program
says here---- If I were working a good program, I wouldn't get angry.... Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again.

Old messages huh, well MB is a codependent (wife of and alcoholic) not an alcoholic. She is not in danger of dying from drinking because of her anger. This is the distinction I think that you need to pay attention to.

If you want to disregard what the big book and the 12&12 says, do it at your own risk. I posted this for the benefit of newcomers. I had a huge problem with anger (mostly because I played victim and liked to blame others for my problems) and would wind up getting drunk, before and after I came into these rooms. Then my first sponsor wouldn't allow me to talk about others when I was angry, citing the spiritual axiom over and over till all I focused on was myself. It was then that I realized that the only person that was making me angry was ME. Onced I did that I owned my feelings and I empowered myself not to let others control my emotions. It's really that simple.

Do I ever get angry? of course but I view it as a useless and prohibitive emotion that is fear or self-center fear in wolves clothing. It's never OK to "Let myself be angry", so I'm on the look out for being iritated, agitated, or uncomfortable (all precursors to anger) and say like "ok what's this about". Then I do what I've got to do to dispell it, remove myself from the situation, pause and do some relaxation techniques, pray... (endless list of things you can do instead of getting angry).

Does it work? My wife and I have been together for 15 years and we've never
had an argument or fight. No name calling, no inuendos, no threats, never left the house, or gone to bed angry. Sure we've haved some serious discussions and there has been some moments of silence but absolutely no eruptions of anger, honest truth. I also never physically disaplined my only child (who is now 20 and in his 3rd year of college on a full ride scholarship. And I only raised my voice at him twice and very quickly apologized and explained that my
loss of control over my anger had nothing to do with him.

I could go on but really I already posted a lot of this and other stuff I found on how to eliminate anger, if you're interested in doing that, look up my other posts thru my avatar and if not well hang on to your anger if that's important to you, it's yours and I certainly don't want it smile

Hope this helps,

Dean

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hey guys

.....

-- Edited by lani at 22:16, 2008-01-14

lani · MIP Old Timer

Weird,
I think my computer is flipping out...
Second time Ive tried to post and nothing showed up
Testing to see what the deal is...(maybe Im supposed to just be quiet.....

lani · MIP Old Timer

It showed up....maybe I was deleted on purpose, so I'll take it as a hint......

Phil · MIP Old Timer

I can feel and release my emotions, including anger, constructively.

The above quote in Carols post...I think...pretty well says it all...

There is no debate..:)

And how we do that? is up to the individual.

There is no right and wrong.

There are a lot of different postings on the board...pertaining to different topics...

Its all about living sober...with ourselves and others...that simple.

We have tools in AA to do that...but it doesnt mean that we cant learn from outside sources also...

Ive had to go outside the program in a lot of areas to delve into a deeper understanding of many things that AA material just doesnt offer.

Alanon is a part of the AA family also....If it wasnt for Alanon...there wouldnt be any AA

Then we can go farther still...into the aspects of codependency..and many many personality disorders...

Its all one big puzzle..where many many pieces, fit together.

Keeping an open mind...taking what we want to and need to for us....is the big one.

This board is just not about AA.....Its about living sober...and whatever helps.

Onward!!

Phil · MIP Old Timer

pssst...Lani? I think its your computer..:)

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Fair enough Phil,
you know it's whatever works. I've heard it said that what keeps you sober might get me drunk and visa versa. We're more alike than we are different but we are different.

lani · MIP Old Timer

Hi Phil:
I was being a smarty pants and yes I agree...my computer is acting weird! You pretty much summed up what I also had to share.
This, I saw once in a post, is not actually AA, but a means of communicating with other aa's! Right?
I looked up melodie online and somewhere she posted that she too is recovering and co-dependant! I may be wrong but thats what I thought I read.

I love the postings of "language' as they do always pertain to something Im dealing with. I gain a different perspective on things and learn to deal with those issues.

Dean, Im very proud of you for your last post! Very mature my friend! It seems to me youve had to deal with alot of anger and have finally calmed down and dealt with "your" character defect on that matter. I on the other hand, could use a good dose of anger at times...I tend to blow things off and take more crap than I should and whose to say that C.D. of mine is healthy!!! Ya know!!!?

Take what we need and leave the rest!!!
Lani

(arent you glad my computer worked!!haha)

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Thanks so much for your post, Dean. It really helped towards understanding your point of view & I think you've done some tremendous work in learning how to own your response to things. I hope to do well as like & you're a good example of sobriety in my book. Like Lani, I don't have a problem with over~expressed anger. I've pretty much internalized mine into self~pity through the years though have learned about this & moved through it. I'm able to spot self~pity & anger in myself these days. I use those questions above when working my program. You're right to offer your ES&H for the Newcomer though as many of these things can be interpreted in many ways. We each work the program in our own way dependent on our own particularly emphasized defects. I hope you didn't feel any offence from me. You have my utmost respect in fellowship. Thankyou for your kind words, Phil. I know we have the same program but sometimes it's the all~inclusive attitude & compassion that wins me in everytime. Thanks for your tempered wisdom. Keep on, fella :D x

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Thanks Danielle,

I didn't mean to be stubborn about it. I know that we all have to handle it a little differently,
It was just the wording that raised red flags for me. I'm a contractor, so choice of words is very important. Affirmations are very strong, so we have to be careful what we are telling ourselves.

I used to sign along with the beer commercials here "this buds for you...". They had me, and it was all very seductive. I leterally didn't watch TV for the first 3 years of my sobriety.

In '92 I saw pieces of the Berlin wall being sold as collectors items. I asked a friend "what does USSR think about that?" and he said "there is no more USSR. It's Russia again and they tore down the wall a couple years ago". I didn't know it because I wasn't watching tv or reading newspapers as part of my program to avoid seeing advertisements for alcohol and people drinking

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 13:57, 2008-01-15