My sponsor (best friend) died Oct. 10th. Since then I have been going through all the stages of grief. I have now hit a tough one,, Anger. I have been lashing out at everyone. Nothing seems to suit me anymore. Everyone seems to be pissing in my Wheeties latley. Last night in a fit of rage I quit my homegroup and today I am firing my sponsor. There is a lot of justified anger here but as it says in the Big Book that is a luxury I can not afford and resentments have the power to actually kill!! I dont have Dorothy to kiss it all and make it better for me anymore, and I cant find anyone to take her place. I know this too shall pass, I just hope I dont alienate myself from the whole world while in this process. Happy to say though that day after tomorrow I will be sober for 5 months!! And no matter what,,, I dont have to drink today!!! Thank God! Allison
Someone once said "a smart man learns from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from another's "
You're right, sweetie, the BB does tell us we can not afford anger and/or resentment and for this alcoholic that is so true. About 7 months into AA I was taken advantage of financially by a member who has a lot of 24 hours, this person made me believe what I was doing was 12th step work. When it finally hit home what was really happening, I became very angry and had so much resentment for that person I prayed for them to go back out! I stopped going to meetings, I stopped calling my sponsor, I stopped reading the BB, I just stopped! And I got drunk!
"acceptance is the answer........." Grieve your loss and move past it. Maybe you should stop looking for a replacement and be open to what your HP has in store for you next.
Hugs, love and peace.
Jen
-- Edited by Doll at 14:07, 2008-01-03
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
God bless your grief, Allison. I'm sorry to hear you're suffering like this. As you know, it will pass & you're sure to have something wonderful waiting around the next corner. We simply don't know when & in that moment of uncertainty, it feels like forever. Maybe you can write your grief in a letter to your late dear friend & reference the sorts of things she would say to you. This way she will feel close in your heart & you can carry her & her lessons with you a little further. It will help you in your gentle process of acceptance & letting go also. I hope this is some help for you. I'm looking forward to your new sponsor too. Like Doll says, maybe if you stop waiting it will feel more natural for her to come as your Higher Power reveals. Good luck towards your 5months of Days.. :) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi Allison, So sorry about your loss. Isnt it nice you have all these new friends and support systems in place! I heard alot of talk about "in God's time" lately... Got me thinkin! (look out)
Im so impatient at times and want things to be done NOW! Well, I truly believe in a higher power that is eternal! Our lives here are but a blink of the eye. Yea, most of us will be around 80-90ish years. A week or month may seem like an eternity to us to wait for the answers or solutions to things. But if I really think about it....To my higher power, the time I have to wait for things is soooo small....
Now that I think about it, Im gonna have to have a talk to him about that because his time perception is so far off!!!! haha
I didnt believe it when I wanted a job NOW, many shared that it will happen when the time is right. Now was the time to work on me. Maybe in your case, this is an opportunity to meet someone new and have a whole new point of view that you didnt have before. Everything happens for a reason, we just have to be patient. (damn it!!!) Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
About 7 months into AA I was taken advantage of financially by a member who has a lot of 24 hours, this person made me believe what I was doing was 12th step work.
Not all that long ago, a longtime AA member that I otherwise respected turned it around when I asked if he'd speak at a meeting I was chairing. He not only refused it, but then tried to sell me the MLM garbage he was peddling. Weird. I was too angry at the time to even express myself so I just walked away. I haven't spoken to him since. Fortunately this is pretty rare... there are people who sort of "work the room" at AA meetings to drum up business or whatever, but they are usually pretty obvious. But this guy really caught me off guard with his horse shit. It was out of the blue and even out of character... Fortunately I wasn't vulnerable to getting pulled into it, but I guess I'm still vulnerable to getting pissed at the treatment from someone I considered a friend, or at least a fellow AA with long term sobriety, being asked to do a rather ordinary and common AA thing.
I'm sorry to hear that you lost your great sponsor (and probably your first). Aparently she was quite the emotional sounding board for you and it got you through your first 3 months. I lost my first and greatest sponsor also, to lung cancer. It was tough and I never did find anyone like him, but I have had great sponsors since that taught me much and cared. I came to realize that I had to become my own emotional sponsor. I had to learn to lean on myself. You'll know when it's time, you'll begin to not like hearing your own voice, when you're complaining. I hit that point at about 6 months and quickly did my 4th & 5th step. But I still hear that guy's voice (my first sponsor) talking to me. Doll gave you some good advise. The last stage of grief is acceptance. The sooner that you get there the better. Grab an old timer for a sponsor and work the steps before the drink starts working you again.
Good news! I found another sponsor. She has over 30 years of sobriety like my dear dorothy did and she was good friends with her!!! this lady is awsome and is taking me through the book one word at a time!! It is so true when God closes one door another opens! Thank you all for your strength and experience! I feel safe again!! Love you all! Allison
Congratulations, Allison! I'm so glad you feel safe again. That's the most important thing, isn't it. And I'm glad you're working hard to maintain that. Love & respect for Dorothy. Love & respect for your 'Newby' ;) Enjoy! Keep up the goodwork :) Love & respect to you, Danielle xxx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
