Dear MIP, I have enjoyed the recovery I acheived in 2007 with help in fellowship of course. I've found my Higher Power & I allow it to help me daily. I trust in your respective recoveries; ES&H. I need some added guidance &/or perspective if you will. I'm recovering from the accumulation of all my previous relationships. My last being the most currently raw though healing well. My problem is that he has continued to contact me at intervals in the wish to be friends though he has taken up in another relationship with someone new & who apparently is now also 'in recovery' via AA. (Convenient for him perhaps as he is recovering in another fellowship but none of my business nevertheless). I have no burning desire to be friends with him. I have loved him dearly & had to stop being with him because we were both messy emotionally & (I won't speak for him) I had to learn to love myself independently. This I have been doing & though I had not managed to be completely celibate last year, I have avoided any further repurcussions in regards to relationships & stayed single since we broke up last February. This is working out well for me & 1Day@aTime my faith is stronger thus my physical/emotional need is diminishing in that way. My question is this ~ Is it best for me to sever all ties so that I can truly move on & stop carrying him with me? He has been a part of my life like everything else but I don't want to carry the weight of feeling like I have to tell him who I am these days. If I speak to him this starts happening & I feel like I've given something of my soul away to someone who shouldn't have it. I am my own & I don't want to belong to him in any way any more. If he was single & growing this way too maybe I'd consider us equal & try again some time in the future but for the moment I feel like he's attempting to have his cake & eat it like what Zarathustra said awhile ago regarding keeping someone in your pocket. I want freedom so that I can grow & change in my own privacy without interference from any old ties. Is this ignorant or arrogant of me? It hurts when we speak & I want to change, grow up, get on with my life & perhaps have a more capable relationship with someone new in the future. I know I'm not wrong for wanting this. I'd hoped it could have been him for a long time but i FEEL i MAY BE LETTING GO NOW (oops lol) I don't think it's right or fair to me or her that an ex-boyfriend keep hold of me while he is seeing someone else. I don't like it & I deserve more. I'm scared that if I again ask him to leave me alone, my fear & pain of loss will kick back in & cut me off from all the recovery & healing I've worked so hard for & managed to achieve. I'm scared that in a polar response I will wish for & want him again because I've said no in some capacity. I also do not want to be reminded of who I have been in the past as I have changed & want to enjoy this. Does this make sense to you? Can you help with some views? Thanks for your input. This is my reach out to maintain my peace ~ Just for Today. Love in recovery, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I can't really give you any advice except to say that you should follow your instincts and your heart in this matter. Letting go of someone can be so very painful, but perhaps it is less painful than the alternative in the end.
You mentioned wanting freedom and that is important. My boyfriend and I have always said that 'the cage door is open' meaning that we are free to do what we need to if/when the day comes when things aren't working out for us. We do not own the other person. Ownership isn't part of a healthy relationship. I really don't think that it is ignorant or arrogant of you. You are now recognizing your needs and that is healthy.
Is it possible for you to sit down with him and explain how you feel without giving too much away? I don't know ... just a thought.
But, Danielle, whatever you do decide to do, please look after yourself, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I agree with everything you said about needing to grow. Your intuition knows what you need to do, but you have to trust HP and let go. I'd like to say that it's imparitive for your recovery, based on just the improbability of having a healthy relationship while you are just learning how to love yourself, but I won't . It took an awefully long time (years) for me to realize that I didn't know anything about relationships. Today I wake up next to my wonderful wife of 10 years (together 14yrs.) and I am gratefully appreciating her one day at a time. I'm hoping that we can do this for another 30-50 years but I only get today. Having been divorced once, I know that one day she could say "it's been real and nice but I want to be somewhere else now" and I want to be ok with that without perpetuating it. I guess that's my way of practicing non-ownership of her. It also makes me not take her for granted. If someone doesn't feel that way about you, it's probably time for them to go down the road. When the time is right your HP will put someone in your life, but that door can't open until another one closes.
I have no burning desire to be friends with him. I have loved him dearly & had to stop being with him because we were both messy emotionally & (I won't speak for him) I had to learn to love myself independently. ......~ Is it best for me to sever all ties so that I can truly move on & stop carrying him with me?
Sounds to me as if you have answered your own questions......
"Never put a question mark where *God has put a period."
Stay strong.......Peace be with you, Hun.
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Danielle! Happy New year! Lost my password and couldnt sign on for a while! Was I "jonesin!"
Anyways, You are such a beautiful person, both inside and out! You deserve to be totally happy, joyous and free! I know you have all the answers to your questions deep inside of you and all's you have to do is pray you do the right thing! You have a ton of great attributes and someone is going to appreciate and love you for all that you have become, and are becoming!!!
May this new year find you happy with YOU!!! (Sweet, caring, wonderful you!) Still not smoking I see!!!! WOW!!!! Very impressed, and keep up the good work!!!
XO Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks for all your kind replies. I've taken strength from each. A 'problem' is that he has been in another country for 18months though possibly a gift from HP. It means I've had the space to make all these changes & learn not to depend on him which I desperately needed to do being so easily entangled for a time. I've had a few days since we last spoke to settle back into myself & I'm fine. The letting go is being eased into & my hope for the future for whatever may unfold romantically 'with who - I don't know' is being enjoyed. I'm simply happy to continue in being single & letting go daily. There are people I am fond of in my life & I'm enjoying the freedom of not being caught up in doing anything about it besides enjoying company when it arises. The conclusion I've come to today is that I'm glad that at least my ex & I are on good terms & that reflects well for having had a successful relationship for what it has been I would say. It's a positive that I have been able to use it for the lessons learned & move on without bitterness. That did take some time! Thanks for being here & patient with me, Danielle (ex-smoker, Lani ;) xx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Just dont become one of those "ex-smokers" who nags the rest of us or I'll take back all the nice things I said about you!!!!!! xo Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
. It took an awefully long time (years) for me to realize that I didn't know anything about relationships. Today I wake up next to my wonderful wife of 10 years (together 14yrs.) and I am gratefully appreciating her one day at a time. I'm hoping that we can do this for another 30-50 years but I only get today. Having been divorced once, I know that one day she could say "it's been real and nice but I want to be somewhere else now" and I want to be ok with that without perpetuating it. I guess that's my way of practicing non-ownership of her. It also makes me not take her for granted. If someone doesn't feel that way about you, it's probably time for them to go down the road. When the time is right your HP will put someone in your life, but that door can't open until another one closes.