"One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control." - Anonymous
There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, "Silent Night," "Jingle Bells," wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These "triggers" can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration.
There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories.
Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.
Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting.
We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.
If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today.
Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Beautiful, Carol, thank you. Just this week I had to deal with someone I hadn't spoken to in almost twenty eight years. Oh, man, did he ever bring up the past. (poor Phil, I went all seizures on him trying to deal with this one.) It was a series of things I had done to this person during various blackouts. And I tell ya, he read me a list of them. I made my amends as best as I could via the phone, but once we were off, I was just heart sick. There was my past, up front and in my face, and not only was I spun because of what I learned I had done, but I spun because I had no memories, none, of what I had done. It's been a long long time since I've had to feel those horrid feelings of remorse, but damn, it was a good reminder. And yeah, what is past is past, and as Phil gently pointed out to me, Step 9 is also about forgiving ourselves. Such a process....love chris
Thanks Carol. I have saved it and printed it out. This one is perfect for what's been on my mind for a few days now. Of course I spent the last couple days at a resort type hotel in Hawaii at christmas, so there were all kinds of drinks going every which way and a beautiful bar with some great jazz, etc... Plenty pitfalls for a guy like me to deliberately throw myself into while pretending to slip.
But of course I didn't- because these days when I began to think to myself all of that self defeating trickery I just remember that normal people get to drink and have fun- we alcoholics only get to have fun if we dont drink. There should be a warning on the labels that says, "WARNING: if you're an alcoholic the first time will be absolutely great, and the first drink will be fantastic beyond words. Beyond that there's only darkness and the path you're travelling is a dead end."
I was at a meeting last week and this fantastic woman with like 90 days who is an alcoholic/addict (and one of my favorite speakers this month) says, "Gateway drugs? What isn't a gateway drug? They're all gateway drugs for someone like me!"
I feel the same way about triggers. My twisted adolescent neuropathy and my own genetics don't leave me with a whole lot that isn't a trigger. The usual things- stress, difficult people at work, money woes, relationship stuff- that's all a pretty good reason to an alcoholic to knock back a few. I mean what the hell- life sucks and then you die, right? Alcoholism is a morose piece of landscape and when you're standing in it the future looks pretty bleak for the alcoholic. Worse than that- free time- boredom- that stuff can be tricky. As a teen I rebelled against boredom by seeing what kind of treacherous mischief I could get myself into. Using that twisted logic drinking can be justified by a crafty bit of disease on a willing mind. These days I stay busy and try to remember how dark that place is just beyond four pints, and given it's own lead how long it can last.
I went to one Christmas party this year, and it was at four in the afternoon. My kid and I went and we cleaned out their cookies. I'll skip the rest and it will be an uneventful holiday, probably dinner out on Christmas this year (some of the hotels around here put on really great spreads for christmas.) Last year I was sober at christmas and had a party and was pretty happy to remember the whole thing. This year I skipped the Christmas party since the economy is heading into a tailspin and I have only two employees who would just as soon go night fishing as be at a party.
Anyhow- thanks again for this piece. I'll have to read it a couple more times and see if it sinks in.
