ALmost did, but didn't. Didn't have time to goto a meeting either cause this book im sposed to be writin is due in seven days otherwise the publisher, who im damn lucky to have, is gonna cut me loose for being a flake (had like 90124193841 extensions already)...so too busy b/w work and this to go...
Anyways,
So i posted earlier bout the girl and how i brokeup wither because the relationship had become destructive for my mental well being, and therefore, my sobriety, etc, and i was patting myself on the back for having a good weekend even though i thought it'd be tough, etc.
WELL, this just goes to show how easy it is to self deceive. Over the weekend, she left me a couple of weepy messages and all that, and so I felt alright. See, she had all this love and respect for me, and i treated it (and consequently her) like an asset. I took that love and respect and positivity and i coveted it like an old miser covets his sack of gold... I tucked it away in my inside jacket pocket, and just paid no attention to IT ITSELF at all, and just walked around with the good feeling that it gave me, while totally objectifying it and not doing anything to maintain it, or otherwise pay it any attention whatsoever. And with every drink i took, i knew that I was becoming less worthwhile as freind, as an attorney, and as a human being in general, and with every drink i took i coveted my little sack of gold that much more. But like the old miser, i never used it for anything, i never sought to maintain it, and never really gave anything back, because what is there to give back to something that is merely a physical asset? It makes me really sad to see how my alcoholism caused me to objectify the love of others, and thus, really and truly dehumanize them somewhere deep inside my mind. I seriously never knew I could be that sick.
ANyways,
This brings me back to the weekend, where I thought id be going crazy and having the urge to drink (in SPITE of the fact theres another girl in the picture mind you--the ego thing) and was patting myself on the back because i didnt.
WELL- today we exchanged some emails and she really let me have it, and made it clear that she doesn't want much to do with me anymore at all. No weeping, no whining, just a big fat F*** YOU. During the course of these correspondences, all those old feelings came back, the same ones taht caused the nine day binge that ultimately (hopefully?) lead to my permanent sobriety. All my BS about me being a big enough man to brave the weekend was total BS- the reason i 'braved' the weekend is because i thought my little sack of gold was intact. Now i realize that it isnt, and thirst is back with a vengeance, as I totally should have predicted it would be. UGH...
Lemme also apologize to all you alkies on this board, i feel really self centered only posting rant threads and not responding to others that often, but even in circumstances where i think my 2 cents might help, i am just deathly afraid of saying something not correct (i dont know much about the program at all to be honest), so i leave that to the veterans...
Anyway, whatever the goddam case, I am 9 days sober and i goddam well intend to stay that way... I think i really just have to cut off the ex completely because aparently im too much of a mental pansy to handle any sort of adversity with respect to that...Im trying to figuire what ill do if she emails me more-- I'm thinkin maybe just delete them without opening them, but then i would feel like thats a really really gay way to cop out of dealing with it...I dunno...
Anyways, Thanks for listening...splattering my words/brains all over the forum here has definitely helped me... Hopefully someone else relates...
-- Edited by Zarathustra at 00:53, 2007-12-04
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The only thing worse than being sober is being drunk...
Keep up with my alleged 'progress' and general rantings, or just laugh at me, if you want: http://diaryofamadman11.blogspot.com
The truth of the matter is, for me, that keeping my sobriety as #1 priority, and playing games with a sick ex do NOT mix!
It has nothing to do with being a mental pansy, and everything to do with remembering what I need to do for my sobriety, and that did NOT include relationships for a long time.
Of course, being the pigheaded Taurus that I am, I conveniently ignored my sponsor's warnings to leave relationships alone until I was well grounded and solid in my recovery.
My ego and refusal to follow certain suggestions definitely played a huge part in me picking up the bottle after 4 years.
Today, a relationship isn't even on my list because I am keeping my recovery as my #1 priority, and to be honest, I've grown to a point where I can be alone and not be lonely! I like my own company, and that is just amazing!
I don't dabble with sick relationships in fear of being a mental pansy. I don't dabble with them because they do absolutely nothing to enhance my sobriety. Does that make any sense? :)
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
My first and greatest sponsor, in reference to my x, used to say, "why do you keep sticking your **** in the meat grinder".
Zarat, you're only going to attract people that are about as healthy as you are. That's the reason behind not getting in relationships for a year or two. It's a self preservation thing.
It took quite awhile for this sick alcoholic to learn that the suggestions in this program are for my benefit. I always thought that rules were to protect others from me. It's a selfish program and it works if you use it.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts & experiences with us, Rich. When you're new or even whenever, it's ok to take, take, take, as you need. There's no pressure here for you to give anything back esp when you're barely sober yourself. Keep taking & sharing, sharing & taking. It's how we get well & your shares will help others more than you know. We're a good mix here & in meetings. It takes all of us to make up the whole that is A.A. & fellowship. I have every faith that you will grasp this program & really make it work for you. You show such self~awareness & honesty in looking at yourself & you have managed to name some stuff that I've been guilty of in the past though I couldn't find those words. I had to let go of that objectifying love & keeping it in my pocket too. I did that out of fear & self~interest & it took the heart out of me leaving me cold. In the end I really didn't know what it was I could offer cuz I didn't even love myself. You've done the right thing & cutting off contact, though seeming the most painful thing to do in the face of attachment is what helped me to get well in recent weeks. Times it was hard & I wondered if I was making a further mistake but mine was catch22. I had to let go to find me, find out if it was a mistake & to learn how to let go & let love come from inside. This fellowship, my close female friend & my family have helped me with that & very importantly I have allowed them too. Even when I've doubted cuz of pain, I've believed in their faith & their suggestions. For me, deep down, I've really needed to know what's on the other side when I've pushed through all of these pains & boundaries. It's been a few months now & little by little I'm finding it out. It's wonderful, Rich. You can do this too. Just think of yourself, you're own sobriety & getting well. You don't need any false dependencies any more. Concentrate on a program, get to some meetings, stay out of trouble & share your honesties with at least one other person (male!) The pain will pass & you'll find a new life.. & love. Danielle
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Lemme also apologize to all you alkies on this board, i feel really self centered only posting rant threads and not responding to others that often, but even in circumstances where i think my 2 cents might help, i am just deathly afraid of saying something not correct (i dont know much about the program at all to be honest), so i leave that to the veterans...
-- Edited by Zarathustra at 00:53, 2007-12-04
hey man! don't apologise for shit! i ranted my way to sobriety. i swore my way to sobriety. and what's important is that i am still sober... one word of advice, use AA as your outlet as people will understand you there!
btw the way you are very fortunate to have a publisher- i'm looking for a literary agent at the moment. i've got two books on the cook at present and i hope to start the third in the new year. you've got the opportunity which i am seeking. don't waste it!
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...suffer what there is to suffer, and enjoy what there is to enjoy...
Hi Zarat, I was sober and in AA 4 years ago. I also changed my drink addiction for the ego addiction and looked forward to every meeting thinking "mmm that guy there is fit". I also did what I was told not to and got involved with a man 2 months into my sobriety. This man owned wine bars and I quite happily spent most of my days for the next 10 months, in those bars without the need to drink. I was so up my own ass with the programme that he ended up going mad at me because I was telling the bar staff "dont serve that person, they have had too much and its dangerous". Eventually, I succumbed and thru something that happened in a meeting, I stopped going and ended up back out there. As I say, that was 4 years ago now and I am (hopefully) in a place where I dont want or need a relationship. I know whilst I have been drinking, I have arranged to meet plenty of men and not turned up because I really couldnt be arsed with them. I have become a very selfish person who just wants to live for me and not have to think about any mans feelings which I think will be good for my sobriety and my programme. I have learnt to see other people, male and female for who they really are and not wether there is something I can get from them. I have a couple of very dear female friends, who still drink socially but wouldnt dream of bringing alcohol near me and are totally behind me in my recovery and that is what I need.
hey man! don't apologise for shit! i ranted my way to sobriety. i swore my way to sobriety. and what's important is that i am still sober...
You sir, are my idol...Ive always said that i have been a drunk asshole for way too long, and from now on, I really want to be a sober asshole...well done...
as for the publisher, yeah im real lucky, esp since this is my first book... hard to beleive ive been f***ing it off and getting one extension after another and totally pissing the guy off, just because ive been in my cups...Man i hate alcoholics...
__________________
The only thing worse than being sober is being drunk...
Keep up with my alleged 'progress' and general rantings, or just laugh at me, if you want: http://diaryofamadman11.blogspot.com
get sober and finish your book. in time you'll forget about your women problems.
i know its hard, but you gotta go to local AA meetings, get this shit off yer chest and not care about what anyone may think about you... anything that is a bit more personal, find someone, maybe even a sponsor, and share it through with them.
regardless of how you feel now, there is a lot of love and understanding in an AA room- and there's a seat with your name on it.
i wish you all my best!
btw, sober assholes are better than drunken assholes... they dont smell of stale alcohol and spit less when they rant!
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...suffer what there is to suffer, and enjoy what there is to enjoy...
