I am really not in a good place at all, and haven't been for the last 2 days.  I haven't had these kinds of thoughts in such a long time and it just hit me these past 2 nights.  Just really depressed, and off and on thoughts of hurting myself, actually had a brief thought of suicide before I got the sense to call my online sponsor (f2f sponsor was unavailable tonight).  When I talk to someone for a bit I start to feel ok.  Then once I'm stuck with my own thoughts again, I'm a freakin mess. 

Have been praying, was reading the BB, then my online sponsor suggested the 12x12.  But I've been so out of it lately with being sick, I've been reading, but then immediately afterward I cannot tell you what I'd just read.  He pointed out to me that lack of sleep will do that too you, and so can depression...  I know fevers do it to me too and the fever's been pretty bad. 

I've also not been getting to meetings since last Monday due to being sick, my sponsor told me stay home and get better but to just keep in touch with her and my other alkie friends...  I'm stubborn enough that I would go anyway, but she'd just get on to me for it.  I really don't need to be out in the cold right now, been dealing with these infections for way too long now.

my online sponsor had a few ideas of what could be going on with me...  at first he suggested the idea of going back on my meds, I went off of them last January, I've been fine since, been handling things mostly ok, have not had any serious bouts of depression since then.  Also once he'd asked what meds I'd been on, and I started listing out just about every med in the book, none of which worked...  he dropped it  lol 

So...  then he moves on to the fact that my back was out for 3 weeks, and dealing with the sciatica, and now I've been sick most this week, high fevers off and on, not getting much sleep.  And yes, those things can affect me a lot, probably a big part of why I'm feelin this way...  His idea was that the main problem is everything is finally catching up with me from this past year.  He pointed out that he and I talked a whole lot online and on the phone during all the things I was dealing with up in Nebraska and with my exbf, and with my divorce, and moving, and everything.  He said I had been handling everything just fine and he had been wondering when it was all going to hit me...  and now I guess it's hitting me.

I kept telling him I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I'm feeling like this, things have been going fine...  yeah, had the back issues, and now being sick, but I might whine and complain, but really I was handling it ok.  He starts listing out all these things that could be bothering me or screwing with my emotions...  having bad financial stress, health problems, living near my family again and dealing with the issues of how my family isn't close - we were closer when I lived 12 hours away, getting into a new relationship and the anxiety of where it is headed, struggling with meeting people in this area in the program, gaining weight (have bad issues with that and am having to watch myself)...  probably a lot more things can go on the list...  then he adds "And you wonder WHY you could be a mess right now?!?"  lol  But then he told me he still thinks I'm doing a lot better than I was, that at least I called him and I haven't done anything I shouldn't.  Used to, I just either wouldn't call someone, or I'd call, talk for a bit, then do whatever I'd planned anyway.  Also a lot of times would be so impulsive in my decisions I wouldn't talk to anyone at all and would just do whatever was in my head... So I guess there is some progress there

Been in denial of anything being wrong.  I guess trying the "fake it till ya make it" thing?  I dunno.  But it's not working.  It was just sudden the depression hit and I've been a freakin mess.  Up till these past couple of days, I've not had thoughts of hurting myself since right before my relapse, just over 7 months ago now.  Had not had suicidal thoughts since the suicide attempt last year which really scared me.  And really have overall been doing so good and getting myself straightened out this year.  Guess that just makes it seem even worse right now then. 

I dunno.  Sorry.  Seems all I do is complain.  The couple of friends I have talked to about all this are telling me to reach out, so I guess that's what I'm doing.  Because mostly I've been really isolating, and if I've talked to anyone lately, mostly I've put on the act everything's ok, till it got bad enough that I couldn't pretend and just started trying to shut everyone out, and I can't do that.  I know that's really bad and I don't need to do that.

I gotta go scrounge up change and go get cigarettes (yeah, 3:30am run for cigarettes is pretty pathetic...) I'm supposed to be quitting, got the prescription for chantix again, but can't get it filled till next week, and right now, can't handle all this without smoking.