Hello, All@MIP. I have my settings adjusted so that I can see most recently added to posts so this from DannyC came up but it's originally from April earlier this year. Danny has added to it today.
I may have used a clumsy way of going about it but have copied & pasted so everyone can catch up with Danny in case it went a miss in the archives! Welcome back, Danny. I'm glad you've made it back to let us know how everything is with you today. I hope you get all that you need to help you with your trials. Keep coming back & letting us know how you are. Have a happysober day, Danielle :)
I Need Help! In a few minutes I will be leaving to go to my second meeting of the day. I am totally freaked out! I have 6-1/2 years in the program and feel as though I am trying to get sober for the first time. I lost my job in February and then got a new one last month. I have chronic back pain and have not been able to last a week on the new job. I discussed the problem with my new employer and they are willing to give me until the beginning of June to restart my position, which to me is more than fair. I have been going through a life change and am very confused right now. I turned 50 in March. Lately I have been thinking about how I have been so self-centered throughout my life that I have not made the kind of impact I really want and need. I have been wrestling with the idea of taking time off and not working instead using my time to work on myself and volunteer to help others, but with my chronic pain it is very difficult to do much of anything. I have been through a series of epidural injections which have not helped at all and have an appointment next week to discuss doing a discogram to see which of my 3 herniated discs is not responding to medication. Next option would be surgery. During this time I have had to use pain medication because of my severe uncomfortability. The medicine has messed with my mind and I am no longer taking anything, other than over the counter Aleve, which does not work. All I can think to do right now is go to meetings, read the Big Book and share what I am going through, but I am scared to death. I don't ever remember this kind of fear and it is slowly disabling me. I have not been as active in AA as I need to be and I want to change that. I do not want to drink again, but am afraid that I am losing my wits. Sorry to unload, but I am confused and need help.
I can remember 3 years ago...I was in the middle of chemo injections...marriage was up and down like a yo-yo....Depression was way up there...and I was a walking mental emotional Zombie....Was so screwed up I even went out one morning to crash a car into a tree...wasnt meant to be...
People to help..and things to see....:)
Because of back injuries...they told me 20 years ago..that I'd be in a wheel chair in five..and I'm still blowing snow...and cutting grass.:)...and yup....the consequences are "more back pain" but I'm an alky eh...
You'll get through this bud.....!!
And there IS a "Higher Power" :)
Hang in!!
__________________ "LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
For me, getting to meetings is the only way for me to stay sober. But, you already know that.
My boyfriend suffered from severe spinal problems before having corrective surgery. At first he used the McKenzie exercises which helped. Here's a link that explains more about it:-
RE: I Need Help! I"m on my way out to physical therapy for severe stenosis of hte lower spine, which gives me sciatica. I am very limited now in what i can do, and I almost always have pain. so to give you an immediate short reply, the only thing i'll add to the above is.. to really work the 12 Steps and the principles. Not everyone who goes to meetings and has time under their belt is actually working the Steps as the founders intended. The Big Book is bsically about how well the 12 Steps work. Try Step 11. Don't feel guilty about the past except to acknowledge, as you are, that it is time to go to the next level.
later,
amanda
__________________ do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
RE: I Need Help! Thanks all for your kind and supportive responses. I just got back from the meeting and was so paralyzed with fear that I could not raise my hand. I will not get through this if I cannot let others know whats going on, and that freaks me out even worse. I have never been is this much fear and I am not sure why, but it is crippling me. All I know is that it is just after 1:00pm and I'm sober.
Phil wrote: No...and I know I need one. Tonight I am going to a meeting and there is someone I know that I will ask. I have been without a sponsor for too long. There are many things I have not done for my recovery recently and this is why I am in so much fear. There are other reasons, but I think letting my recovery slp is probably the best reason.
RE: I Need Help! Thanks for the e-mail, I have it saved in my address book and will probably write you. A little while ago I became so overwhelmed in my fear that I actually called a crisis prevention line. I haven't done that since I was in the worst days of my drinking. I just feel I have way too much on my plate right now but I also know that I need to keep from projecting, it just makes things worse. I am trying so hard to stay in the moment. My first sponsor used to tell me that when I got causght up in futeristic worry that I should take a deep breath and look at my feet to remind me where I am....right here, right now. Needless to say I have been staring at my feet much of the day.
I Need Help! Danny, I am disabled due to thoracic back injury since '93 after repeated injury. This had been a root of some severe depression and alcoholism. I'm sure you are familiar with the feeling of worthlessness that comes from not being able to b
"bring home the bacon" and function normally. Recently I've been through some pain treatments including epidurals. They help me but are not a cure. Another I've tried is radio frequency treatment which is the same as injections, only they go in on four levels (for me) and use and electrical instrument to heat and deaden the nerves. This works pretty darn well for a couple of months but the treatment can only be done every few or several months. Talk to your pain specialist and see what he/she says about it and DO get some tests done to find out the "why" of no response to treatment.
In the meantime...The medication I take daily is called Ultram or generically, tramadol hydrochloride. 100 mgs. works REAL well to get the pain to a manageable level. It is a synthetic opiate but it does not give a high to you. Addiction rate, if I remember correctly, is less than 1 in 500,000 according to the PDR.
Living with daily pain is not very enjoyable but you learn to manage it and continue. Drinking only makes the whole depression act a hell of a lot worse...but I think you already know that. So that is not an answer or solution. Get a sponsor. Find out more of the "whys" to your problem and learn to understand what you can and cannot do. Learn ways to manage it as best you can. It takes time so don't expect immediate results and chances are that you will always have some sort of pain to deal with so learn the best way for you to keep it at a minimum.
I wish you good fortune...Tim
__________________ "Against his will he dieth that hath not learned to die. Learn to die and thou shalt learn to live, for there shall none learn to live that hath not learned to die." Toure of all Toures
Almost sounds like the fear is worse than the pain.
Fear is normal. It's OK.
Courage is the strength to go on in the face of fear. And courage comes working the steps and living the program.
In our group there are some great courageous folk... veterans of war dissabled and in great pain due to their injuries. A few folks that havnt long here with us due to disease that still make meetings when their health allows.
Theres a gentleman in the group with a back injury too. Also about to face fusion of some vertebre... These folks amaze me. I sometimes wonder if non-alcoholics without the program would be so strong as they. I dont think so...
Your lucky you have the program and a built in support group.
The future will be what it will be. Sometimes when I face a tough situation I talk to God... not to ask anything... just to let him know that I understand that his will controlls everything in my life. It always gives me a sense of peace to let him know I trust him.
Keep on being couragouse, and by all meens, talk to someone. If you cat be open at a meeting, pick up the phone and just call one other person.
Wish you well...
__________________ My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
RE: I Need Help! I'm glad you called a crisis line. We have a crisis center here that we can go to. They evaluate us and then treat whatever it is. I have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), and so my adrenaline level gets very high when it gets triggered. Adrenalin is the 'fight or flight' hormone. We have a member here, too, that used to have panic attacks, until he went to a professional and got treated. We here are only peer alkies, and not competent to diagnose and treat whatever it is that is going on with you,, so, although going to meetings and all that is good,, please go ahead and see a professional. k?
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________ do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
RE: I Need Help! Thanks to everyone for all your support and caring. I know this thread was started a long time back but I need to fill you all in as to what has happened.
Thanks to all that had participated in this thread asking for hope and faith. Your prayers as well as mine have done the trick. I am committed to AA and have faith that one day my pain will be diminished to the point that I will not be so home bound in the future.
I know that I cannot keep what I have unless I give it away, and there was a recent e-mail to me from a man that started a post on this board which reminded me of what I had done here during some of the worse days of my life. It is a GOD thing that he addressed his e-mail to me, because I had all but forgotten about posting on this site.
Shortly after I began this thread I checked myself in to a psychiatric hospital in South Florida where I live. It was a humbling experience but gave me time to think and keep me away from a possible relapse. In retrospect I think it was very smart, but at the time I was very ashamed.
My back problems became so dibilitating that I could not longer walk, sit or lie for any period of time and the pain was constant and severe. Even after my A.L.I.F. surgery on my lower disc (L5-S1) I have been suffering with pain. I finally had the surgery in June of this year. I have not been able to work and my job is no longer being held for my return. I accepted this and know that the company I went to work for is not responsible in any way. So happens that business in our industry has been extremely slow due to the real estate market that they had to reconsider because they felt they could not support my salery. I have no malice.
The big difference in my attitude came after I left the hospital. I immediately went and found a guy I respect to be my sponsor. He has been a great influence on me and we are actively involed in working the step. I have more time than him but he is my age with many of the same experiences but more importantly he is well connected to the program and has a true desire to better himself through recovery.
I actually lied about my time in AA. I originally came to the program in 1989 and stayed sober for 10 years before the Grace Of God led me back in 2000. I felt a renewal when I first came back but quickly fell in to the same old same old and became apathetic about my recovery. I don't understand why I or others would ever discount the enormous "gifts" of the program instead thinking that sponsering myself was the answer...WRONG!
I have not been able to sit through a full meeting because of my constant pain and I have had several meetings brough to me by the wonderful people of AA. They certainly were there for me when I needed them the most. I have rededicated my life to my recovery and have experienced many "miracles" since I have returned.
Our savings have been completely drained due to my inability to work, but have recently been selected by many in our industry to receive funds to help my family survive. These are all leaders in the office products industry and I have formed many great relationships over the years through my integrity and honesty. They are in the process of "passing the hat" for myself and my family and I have to remember to be as gracious in recieving as I am in giving. It is very humbling and I know that GOD is the instrument behind it all. I never knew that I had true friends such as I do. For so many years I have been paranoid and my self-esteem has been so low that I could not accept the fact that people loved and cared about me. I am so grateful.
I love my fellow AA's as well as those that suffer.
Thanks for listening!
DannyC
-- Edited by Dannyc at 11:11, 2007-11-22
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Mmm, for some reason, I cant get this thread to accept another post. I'll try again.....
Danny, thank you for coming back and sharing your experience with us. It's hearing things like this that give us all hope. You "went to any lengths", and I am so grateful for the share. It reminds me of the importance of coming back. big hugs, Chris
Thank you so much Wren! I have also been a victim of unemployment and as a result we are living day-to-day financially. I have to share my recent experiences with that as well.
I have worked in the same industry and done the same job my entire career (30 years). Over the years I have made some very powerful relationships and have done my job with integrity and honesty for the most part. It was a learning process which recovery helped to make me a better man than I was. Anyway, I was invited to a tradeshow; my flight, my room and meals all taken car of. When I arrived with my cane and my wife supporting me physically many were shocked to see me in such a condition. We were both treated like royalty and when my flight was reimbursed to me my wife accepted an additional $200.00 dollars as well. This same man also gave us another gift of $500.00 right before we left.
It was GOD that has seen us through all of our financial difficulties. Earlier I received a phone call from a man that is involved in an organization that chooses someone within our industry each year to receive a donation because of difficult times such as disease, injury or donations to the family of a deceased friend. This year I was selected. We will fly to Georgia to be at a golf tournament used to raise money for people which they select. I was so embarrassed, but my wife reminded me that I must receive with the same amount of humility which I do when I give back, and show my gratitude without saying such things as you shouldnt have done that for me. It diminishes their joy in giving. It was a gift from GOD and I am so grateful to him as well as all of my friends in the industry. I am an alcoholic, and by my thinking I never thought that people cared about me in a friendship way such as this. I had always yearned for that kind of love and respect outside of the love and respect I receive at AA. I am overjoyed!
I was also informed this week by another man that there were many friends that knew we would not be able to wait until May of '08 to receive our donation, so they are in the process of passing the hat for my wife and myself. I am so humbled by this act of kindness and it makes me feel GOD's love for us even more than I believed prior to these gifts. We have not received it yet, but I was informed we would before Christmas.
Still being so broke that we are not bringing in the kind of money needed to pay our bills, but things just keep getting more interesting! There have been other examples of GOD watching over us and that began with a gift card we received in the mail at the beginning of last week. We were totally broke and received it just before we ran out of food to eat. What a miracle! It was sent by an old and dear friend that did not have any idea that we were struggling like we are.
But it keeps getting better. Today we were in the same situation and did not know where our next meal would come from. The mail arrives here in the late afternoon, so after my wife and I prayed for help, she went to the mailbox. Inside there was a check for $200.00 from her mother as well as a rebate check from AT&T that we had totally forgotten about. When I called last week I was told that it had not been processed due to a computer error. The woman told me it would take another 4-6 weeks for them to process it and for me to receive it. It was GOD that sped up the process and performed yet another miracle. My wife had to go to a check-cashing store to cash the $200.00 check and the teller gave her twice the amount, $400.00. When she realized that he made a mistake and ran the check twice she immediately returned the money and explained to him what must have happened. He was very grateful for her honesty, as we were to receive the check in the first place.
Along the way there was also a check for $2,000.00 dollars sent to us by my parents a couple of months ago. GOD has kept us safe! At some point I will have to disconnect my computer because I really don't have the resources to pay for it right now.
I am thrilled to be able to share this with you all right now and keep your hopes alive that all is possible when you turn it over to GOD. I promise that everything I have shared is the truth, so please do not be skeptical. I want to thank everyone here that posted hope towards me, I am extremely grateful, and the reality of me being here is a GOD thing as well. Just a few short months ago I ran to a psych ward to keep me from relapsing and even worse the possibility of suicide. If not for the e-mail I received from John F thanking in mass all the people that helped him out I would have forgotten about my posts and probably not have been back for quite a while.
I am going to make this a regular habit to check this board and offer my experience, strength and hope to all that are in need. I will be gone this weekend, but may have computer access. We are driving to Orlando to visit my family and share a belated Thanksgiving dinner with them all. It has been a year since my last visit and that was due to my injuries and my inability to travel comfortably in a car. I know it will be tough, but I also know that I have GOD to see me through!
Thank you so much Wren! I have also been a victim of unemployment and as a result we are living day-to-day financially. I have to share my recent experiences with that as well.
I have worked in the same industry and done the same job my entire career (30 years). Over the years I have made some very powerful relationships and have done my job with integrity and honesty for the most part. It was a learning process which recovery helped to make me a better man than I was. Anyway, I was invited to a tradeshow; my flight, my room and meals all taken car of. When I arrived with my cane and my wife supporting me physically many were shocked to see me in such a condition. We were both treated like royalty and when my flight was reimbursed to me my wife accepted an additional $200.00 dollars as well. This same man also gave us another gift of $500.00 right before we left.
It was GOD that has seen us through all of our financial difficulties. Earlier I received a phone call from a man that is involved in an organization that chooses someone within our industry each year to receive a donation because of difficult times such as disease, injury or donations to the family of a deceased friend. This year I was selected. We will fly to Georgia to be at a golf tournament used to raise money for people which they select. I was so embarrassed, but my wife reminded me that I must receive with the same amount of humility which I do when I give back, and show my gratitude without saying such things as you shouldnt have done that for me. It diminishes their joy in giving. It was a gift from GOD and I am so grateful to him as well as all of my friends in the industry. I am an alcoholic, and by my thinking I never thought that people cared about me in a friendship way such as this. I had always yearned for that kind of love and respect outside of the love and respect I receive at AA. I am overjoyed!
I was also informed this week by another man that there were many friends that knew we would not be able to wait until May of '08 to receive our donation, so they are in the process of passing the hat for my wife and myself. I am so humbled by this act of kindness and it makes me feel GOD's love for us even more than I believed prior to these gifts. We have not received it yet, but I was informed we would before Christmas.
Still being so broke that we are not bringing in the kind of money needed to pay our bills, but things just keep getting more interesting! There have been other examples of GOD watching over us and that began with a gift card we received in the mail at the beginning of last week. We were totally broke and received it just before we ran out of food to eat. What a miracle! It was sent by an old and dear friend that did not have any idea that we were struggling like we are.
But it keeps getting better. Today we were in the same situation and did not know where our next meal would come from. The mail arrives here in the late afternoon, so after my wife and I prayed for help, she went to the mailbox. Inside there was a check for $200.00 from her mother as well as a rebate check from AT&T that we had totally forgotten about. When I called last week I was told that it had not been processed due to a computer error. The woman told me it would take another 4-6 weeks for them to process it and for me to receive it. It was GOD that sped up the process and performed yet another miracle. My wife had to go to a check-cashing store to cash the $200.00 check and the teller gave her twice the amount, $400.00. When she realized that he made a mistake and ran the check twice she immediately returned the money and explained to him what must have happened. He was very grateful for her honesty, as we were to receive the check in the first place.
Along the way there was also a check for $2,000.00 dollars sent to us by my parents a couple of months ago. GOD has kept us safe! At some point I will have to disconnect my computer because I really don't have the resources to pay for it right now.
I am thrilled to be able to share this with you all right now and keep your hopes alive that all is possible when you turn it over to GOD. I promise that everything I have shared is the truth, so please do not be skeptical. I want to thank everyone here that posted hope towards me, I am extremely grateful, and the reality of me being here is a GOD thing as well. Just a few short months ago I ran to a psych ward to keep me from relapsing and even worse the possibility of suicide. If not for the e-mail I received from John F thanking in mass all the people that helped him out I would have forgotten about my posts and probably not have been back for quite a while.
I am going to make this a regular habit to check this board and offer my experience, strength and hope to all that are in need. I will be gone this weekend, but may have computer access. We are driving to Orlando to visit my family and share a belated Thanksgiving dinner with them all. It has been a year since my last visit and that was due to my injuries and my inability to travel comfortably in a car. I know it will be tough, but I also know that I have GOD to see me through!