I've almost passed out 3 times tonight...  I can't get up anymore and I'm really scared, I can't deal with this  :(   was stupid enough to try to move a big bag of dog food from the washer to the dryer (having to lift it over a space of about 2 feet), was hurting from that, back in bed, took my meds when it was time, then after a bit tried to get up and get something to eat, about passed out from the pain from being up, was only up for under 10 minutes...  got back in bed was gonna stay put and behave and stop tryin to do stuff...

Then the kittens were playin, knocked over a lamp that was turned on, broke the bulb, had to reach over and unplug it real quick, got me hurting worse again....  was gonna leave the mess till the pain eased up, but Bella started batting the broken glass around, had to get up and clean it up, and about passed out again, really wasn't up long then either.

Knew I was gonna have to get up one more time, to let my dog out, hadn't taken her out in so long but she hadn't complained yet so was trying to put it off....  after awhile she whined at me, had to get up and let her out.  I just let her out and stand at the door and wait for her, she at least was quick about it, but was hurting the longer I stood there....  was hungry too, so made a sandwich, and again got real dizzy, actually had to kinda catch myself that time and had to get back in bed, haven't gotten up again, I'm scared to get up.

gonna stop being stubborn about asking for help, gonna call all the people I know from the meeting down here, and try to find someone that can come out here during the day to help out, or even at least bring me meals or something....

My mom will be here part of Monday when she's off work, to do my shopping and cleaning and stuff, she wanted to take me back to her house, and said my animals could come until she found out they have worms (gotta get her to pick up dewormer for me)...  and I can't make the long ride back to her house either...   and I can't handle being there with my stepdad either, really can't handle it....  but if I can get some people down here to help out...  and gonna see if medicare might give me chore help till this is better, even if they could send someone a couple or three days a week just to help with errands and cleaning or whatever...  so that I'm not depending just on these people from the meeting cuz I really don't know them too well...

I'd just gotten my ad in the paper to do cleaning houses...  thankfully no one has called cuz I can't do it now.  I gotta get my medicaid application in the mail and get the application for food stamps too cuz it wasn't part of the application I got.  there's no way i can work while dealing with this, and I can't pay all my bills just on my disability income, have too many bills racked up already....  I hate to ask my dad to let me not pay rent or to lower my rent but I'm gonna have to, but at least he knows now that I'm not faking this, he knows I really can't work right now, I can't even get out of bed.  Not sure what I'm going to do though, well, without paying rent and if I get on medicaid, then I can pay all my bills with no problem.  *sigh*  guess I don't need to stress myself out over all that right now, I got enough on my plate already, I'm already too stressed and scared just from how I'm feeling, not gonna let myself start stressing about money too.

My mom said she's off on the 15th - the day I see the back specialist, said she'll take me, that me and my critters can come out to her house the night before....  my older brother will be in town that weekend, so I'll just stay there all weekend...  we'll be doing thanksgiving and my little brother's birthday then. hoping I'm better by then, so I can enjoy it...  that's nearly 2 weeks away, praying this doesn't keep on that long.

sorry...  whining again...  I just can't deal with this... and I can't sleep, even with the pain meds, they don't knock me out...  they seemed to help with the pain at first, but after all my stupidity today, nothing seems to be helping with it...  I'm starting to get tired... time for more meds real soon, maybe with being so tired the meds will help to sleep at least, I hope...

Thanks y'all, for letting me whine and vent here...  and thanks for all your prayers and thoughts....  I'm so bad about not letting on how scared or upset I am, to people f2f....  trying to be tough, I know I gotta stop that...  online is where I've been getting everything out....  that and talking to my bf on the phone...  but when anyone else calls when I'm hurting bad or really upset I just don't answer...  don't know why I have such a bad need to be tough about all this, it's stupid really, I need to just let people know how I'm really doing and let them know I need help  *sigh*

Hi Lisa,

It's painful to read your posts and hard to comprehend having those kinds of physical problems at all let alone at your age. I said some prayers for you. I hope life gets simpler for you, so that you can take care of yourself without having so many other responsibilities that get in the way (animals etc...). I haven't had a dog in over 30 years and have always wanted another but they are some much work, and I travel so much it wouldn't be fair to the dog or me. I have a siamese cat, who is more like a dog, and he gets depressed when I travel (21 trips this year!) but he's getting used to it.

The first 6 months of this year I was dealing with lower back problems and I destroyed my shoulder in a low speed motorcycle crash (oil on the road). It tore about all the muscle tendons in the rotator cuff, chest, and scapula. It's just starting to operate normally now after 8 months. It's my right shoulder so I had to do everything with my left arm. I would've healed much faster if I'd have used a sling but I just wouldn't. In hind sight I still can't decide whether it was laziness of vanity. I did make it through without taking anything but advill. The docs gave me the prescription form of aleeve, but it immediately burned a hole in my stomach lining (usually bullet proof, hot sauce every day and night) that I had to nurse for a week.

I also had a host of other orthopedic issues with knees, hips, back, and neck, from compensating for my shoulder. I also realized that my computer chair was killing me and invested in a office quality (ergonomic adjustable) chair and many of those issues went away. One thing that I have learned over the years about orthopedic issues, is that most of them are self induced by bad posture, improper lifting, and abuse (using your hands and feet to move objects by striking them etc...). I'm sure that, because of being a carpenter and in construction all my adult life, and being the dare-devil sports fanatic that I am, that I should be in a wheel chair by now accept for my higher power and learning better posture, lifting techniques, and stretching, healing... Today I do, for the most part, work hard to take care of myself.

take care of yourself Lisa. As you're finding now, you're all that you've got!