I am still sober. My boyfriend is not! I am really having a tuff time with him. He got drunk on Thursday and told me that I am not a drunk and that my depression means I am weak. He was rude cold and mean! I was also told that I had better not start effecting his drinking because he likes it. He acused me of judging him even though I had not said a word. It almost seems like he wants to bring me down. I know he loves me. He is good to me when he is sober. I just feel so alone right now. I don't really have any good postive support in my life. I do realize that drinking changes people. I can also see why I get so mean with him when I am drinking too. He is also a mean drunk. I hope things between us will get better. Has anyone here stoped drinking and had a partner that wont stop??
Jennifer, You will not be able to change him. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to accept about my AH. And yes, alcohol changes attitudes. Much like what your boyfriend is doing that is how my husband spoke to me in the last two-three years we lived togethor. I could do nothing to please him, though everything he said I was in err of in his eyes, I did try to correct. It devastated me to watch this once vital, healthy man to seem to shrivel both physically and emotionally before my eyes.......then learn on top of everything he had a mistress. I was as recently as this summer accused of things that I KNOW are out right lies. It may be very beneficial to your own well being to go to AA and/or ALANON. I began to seek out ways that I could help AH, as well as, our marriage. I did and still do love him. However, what I've learned through AA, is that one can ONLY control one's own actions and words. I was an emotional wreck as you imply your state to be. I never in my wildest imagination ever thought that we would be where we are now....... He with mistress and I on my own. Through AA though I got through the maze of emotions. I cannot tell you what to do only suggest that you go to counseling/AA/ALANON. You will find alot of support and people who understand what you are experiencing, will support you, and help you. As far as depression, it is suggested, talk to your doctor. Be honest with him/her and tell him/her what is going on. For me antidepressants were prescribed, however, for me they weren't the answer and after only a couple of pills ended up dumping them down the drain. That is not to say.....that for others drugs of this sort have helped. Each case is different. As for the sobriety. If you have quit drinking and are no longer confortable doing so, then don't let anyone lay a guilt trip on you for being sober. It is a personal choice. I went through a phase of drinking though I NEVER was prone to HAVING TO HAVE IT. I had my share of hangovers......and didn't care for it much. My OWN thoughts on it..... if it could make one's body wrack in pain that it probably wasn't beneficial plus I had seen people do and say things I know they wouldn't have sober. For me, I could be at a party/ social event/bar and not even drink. It has only been in the recent years that I have been "judged" for not drinking. I have learned to accept the criticism for being "a goody two shoes" and don't allow it to bother me. I think most on this board would agree with what I've said. Welcome and keep coming back. You will find a wealth of information here as well as encouragement and support. Best wishes, Learning/Wanda
I would have a very hard time in that situation. I am certain that I would be extremely tempted to flee the scene entirely. I have a girlfriend who hardly drinks at all but she exhibits some similar actions as you described, and I'm tempted to leave every day. Except it's my house and we have the cutest boy that ever lived (my unbiased opinion!) together, which makes things complicated on that whole leaving front. For me anyways.
But the thing with being an angry drunk- or mean- whichever- there's a word for that, when you have more than one issue somewhat competing (or working in concert) to make you just the biggest asshole in the pub. I can't recall what that's called- it's a psychological term- but I think most people have some variation of it (like a person turning to psychoactive substances because they want the pain of their feelings of abandonment or their memories of their abusied childhood to go away.)
I've been like that before when I was drinking, many times- black and dark and mean. It was usually set off by my mood changing for the worst because of a change in the room- because someone got there who (I thought) gave me a bad feeling or some slight (quite possibly unintentional or imagined) that rubbed me the wrong way. As I got older that didn't happen so much though.
I was just thinking today about my sixteen year old daughter and what I would say to her were she having trouble with substances (I already have told her a lot- that it's quite likely there is something hereditary about it in our family and that the odds of a teen becomeing addicted increase the younger you use/booze- that kind of stuff. And that I'm always right here, just a phone call away, should she need absolutely anything. What I thought about today is that if it were a kid or a group of kids that I didn't know I'd tell them that it really sucks to be an active alcoholic. That at first it's always a big party but at some point- for an adddict/alcoholic- it becomes this bleak, black sickness that you can't seem to shake. It becomes this dead bird around your neck, hanging from this length of chain. And that kids never seem to get it until they are much older and have suffered for so much longer- but if you just listen and trust that the people around you telling you it gets way, way worse aren't completely full of crap you can avoid so much unnecessary pain.
And that all that fun everyone seemed to be having- the big party- for like this huge number of supposed revelers it was most likely a total sham, and they were all thinking about how they were going to manage procuring three drinks for everyone elses one without anyone noticing.
I was married when I came into AA. My wife and I were drinking buddies I guess you could say. She was/is a maintenance drinker, one that would drink 3 or 4 drinks a night, while I kept drinking. In the beginning we both wanted me to quit drinking but as time went on she changed her mind and would tell me that she thought I wasn't an alcoholic, presumably because she wanted her drinking buddy back.
After about 6 months of going to meetings steadily and not getting more than 30 days sober, I asked my sponsor about it and he couldn't believe that my wife kept and drank booze in the house while I was trying to get sober. So I asked her to not drink or keep alcohol in the house for the benefit of my trying to get sober and she said "No that's your problem and I'll drink if I want to". I realized then, that this woman was not my friend. Well another 18 months went by, I was still going to AA and not getting sober. We had a couple of separations (which did me a lot good actually) and I was talking with my new sponsor about it all and he said "you need a divorce". Well I got a little angry with him and told him that he was my sponsor not a marriage counselor, and he said "you're right, I'm not a marriage counselor but It doesn't take one to see that you need a divorce". He went on to tell me that I was not going to get sober living in a house with a drunk, especially someone that I was in a relationship with. He said a lot of other things about the quality of our relationship (and it was not a good relationship) and said it's been over for years but that we were just hanging on to it. It was like an old beat up car that barely ran, but it would make down to the liquor store and back LOL.
The light bulb finally came on for me when I realized that this disease was going to either kill me, land me in jail, or in a mental institution. Also that this marriage and living arrangement was going to keep me from getting sober so I told her she had to leave and she did. I've been sober ever since, and I've loved almost every minute of it. I stayed single for 4 years and had a great time dating again (in and out of the program), moved to FL, met a wonderful woman, dated her for 4 years and we've been married for 10 more. We've never had an argument! My x-wife and I are good friends today, as we had to raise our son (who's 20 yo and in college). She is still the same, several drinks every night, even though she's had a section of her colon removed twice (she' only 40) but thinks alcohol has nothing to do with it (OK). It's amazing to see now how completely incompatible we are/were. I couldn't spend the day with her let alone the rest of my life. OMG what was I thinking? Must have been the long blond hair.
Justme, anyone of us that walks into AA has about a 5% chance of getting sober. This is something that, if you're an alcoholic, you have to want with all your heart. It's not easy, and at times it's not fun, especially when you have to send old "friends" down the road in favor or your sobriety and future. Your room mate has no intention of getting sober, and he has no desire for you to get sober. Drunks hate it when other people get sober. Not only do they lose a sympathetic (notice how that word has Pathetic in it?) drinking partner, but it puts a lot of focus on them all of the sudden by contrast. Like when two good friends are fat and one of them start dieting, exercising, and losing lots of weight. It's going to put an awful strain on the relationship. This is not a workable situation and several things are going to happen, you staying sober is probably not one of them. I also see this as being a potentially abusive situation. Like you said, he's already imagining that you are making critical comments, what happens when you actually do say something? You are likely going to have to make a choice between staying sober or staying in that relationship.
I married my best friend and drinking buddy! And even though it took me another couple of years after we divorced to get to AA, I KNOW I would not have made it and would probably be dead now, if I had stayed with him........
Prayers and (((Hugs))) to you.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks everyone for your input and great advise. I have some things to think about. I am sick of living like this. If he can't respect me then I will have to leave. I have to get my self better. I will do what ever it takes to get my life back. I think he knows I am thinking about leaving and that is why he wants me to continue drinking.
