Hello my name is Jennifer. I have been sober for two days now. I live in a very small town so AA is out of the question for me. I am doing this on my own. My recent decision to stop drinking is because I am a violent drunk. I have hurt everyone around me and lost every friend I have ever had because of my mean ways when I am drinking. I come from an abusive backround. My father beat me and I ended up in group homes as a child. My ex husband also was physically abusive. I am starting to act the same way. My boyfriend is very angry with me. I don't really blame him. I really have no support at home at the moment. I got drunk on Sunday and really acted horribly. I feel so bad that I am very depressed. I have no one to turn to because I have lost every friend I have ever had because of my drinking. I have also been suffering from panic attacks that go on for most of the day. My anxiety level is so high. I do how ever see the light. Things will get better for me if I just stay focused on being sober. I have been reading some of the posts on this forum and I must say it is inspiring. It is good to know that I am not the only one fighting this demon.
Welcome to MIP. It's a great board and there are some truly wonderful people here. I do hope that you'll stay around.
Well done on two days of sobriety! That's fantastic.
I'm sorry that you live in an area where AA is out of the question for you, but perhaps you can think around that. For me, AA is a life-line and I would have found it very hard to get and stay sober without it.
There are some good on-line resources that you will find really helpful. They are at:-
That is the Big Book and and I really suggest that you read it. There is some wonderful stuff in it and it completely changed my view on how I saw alcoholism.
These are speaker tapes of meetings that you can listen to whenever you have time. They are really good and I always get a lot out of them.
Hang in there, Jennifer, as it really will start to get better for you. Try to use the approach of one day at a time. That really helps me and everybody else here on the board. We are all keeping sober just one day at a time.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I'm impressed by your self awareness and honesty. That's a great start, add the desire to stop and you're someone that's ready for this program. I've meet many people with the issues that you mentioned. We all have them to one extent or another. Abuse is abuse and if we've had alcoholic parents, and partners, then we've experience abuse whether it's physical or verbal, it all hurts us.
I had/have a lot of issues and it was very difficult for me to get sober. I went to meetings daily for 2 years and relapsed about once a month till I finally "got it". I don't think (I know not) that I could have gotten sober without going to meetings, and I'm surprised that I did it without going to a treatment center. I promised myself that I would go to treatment if I didn't stay sober this last time (1989). And I'm sure I wouldn't be here if I hadn't gotten sober. There was no light at the end on my tunnel until I came here.
With all that said, It's hard for me to imagine doing it "on-line" but maybe there are some in here that have done it. I don't know what your situation is or where you live, you mentioned that AA meeting weren't an option because of our location. That's a small problem, but this disease kills people in 100's of ways. If you found out that you had cancer, and it was treatable, but that you'd have to leave the remote area that you live in, would you go away for treatment? I think you would. And I don't think that you'd worry much about jobs, family issues or whatever if it was a life or death decision would you? The world will still turn without you and it will all be there for you when you went back. You may want to consider going to a treatment center (like a 90 day type) and/or moving to an area that has a heathy AA community and by that I mean one that has daily meetings. It's a tough road to go down alone, and if you could do it alone, you'd probably have already done so. I sincerely wish you the best of luck and sobriety. The book "Living Sober" that Quetzel mentioned really helped me as well. That book will explain just how much you're up against, when trying to get sober. It's really a battle mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Thank you so much! I am going to seek one on one counseling. I am also going to the doc for some antidepression medication. I am just dealing with so much at this time with no one to talk to. My heart is heavy and my head is racing. I don't know how I can forgive my self for what I have done to my boyfriend and children. I do know that time may heal my heavy heart. How do I make things right at home? How do I heal everyone's broken heart. I have effected everyone that I love. That kills me more than anything. I can't take back the words or the abuse i have done to my boyfriend. I can't even believe he is with me. He is so depressed that he hardly talks to me. I have thought about counsling for him and I but he wont go. He is still going to continue drinking. I have to make a change.
Hi Jennifer and welcome to MIP..... I just wanted to say that I think you're very brave for taking that first most important step.....Something that helped me more than anything with the heavy heart & guilt I carried for so long is that fact that alcoholism is an illness. Please know that you're not a bad person trying to be good, you're a sick person trying to heal. The 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous can be the 'cure'.... I'm not sure what you meant by "I live in a very small town so AA is out of the question for me", so I'll jump out on a limb and say, if you're concerned with what others will think, imagine what they think when you're drunk. If it's because there are no meetings in your immediate town then please take the trip into the next town.....Don't let your abusive upbringing continue to run your life..... We all have something. I wasn't abused, my parents aren't alcoholics, but they are so full of other issues that for a long time I felt justified in my drinking! "if you had mother you'd drink too" syndrome..... and last, give yourself a chance at allowing the fog to lift before you medicate again......Please keep coming and sharing.........You are not alone.....My prayers go out to you and your family....
((((HUGS))))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thank you so much! I am going to seek one on one counseling. I am also going to the doc for some antidepression medication. I am just dealing with so much at this time with no one to talk to. My heart is heavy and my head is racing. I don't know how I can forgive my self for what I have done to my boyfriend and children. I do know that time may heal my heavy heart. How do I make things right at home? How do I heal everyone's broken heart. I have effected everyone that I love. That kills me more than anything. I can't take back the words or the abuse i have done to my boyfriend. I can't even believe he is with me. He is so depressed that he hardly talks to me. I have thought about counsling for him and I but he wont go. He is still going to continue drinking. I have to make a change.
Justme,
I can feel your pain just reading your message. I've been where you at and it isn't any fun. Keep in mind though that everything heals over time, but feeling guilty about what happened yesterday isn't going to keep you sober today. Ultimately you are not responsible for everyone else's feelings and you can't "fix" them. But you can take care of yourself, and hopefully the byproduct of that is a better atmosphere for them. The best amends that you can make to those that you care about is getting well and staying sober. It's doubtful that you'll be able to stay sober with a Boyfriend that's drinking though, especially if he's living with you. I'm hoping that's what you're meaning about making a change. Getting sober is bar far the best thing that'll ever happen to you, but it will take some blood, sweat, and tears to get there. Keep coming back.
You have a lot on your plate right now......wen i was in my early sobriety my life was comming apart family ..job ...all i could was focus i my sobriety ,wen i sober up a lot of my problems took care of them selves....what help was i focus on one thing at a time and that was Alcoholism........if you dont want to go to AA meetings in town how far is the next one...if you call AA which is in your white pages -phone book they can help you find a meeting that you can go to.. most Alcoholic dont get sober on there own ..good luck to you
Welcome to MIP, Jennifer. I really loved what you had to say. Obviously not the pain & hardship you're experiencing right now but the honesty & self~awareness that Pete pointed out. You've made a fantastic beginning & although you may not feel it, there is hope in your awakening & realising your situation. Times have been tough & you've played an important part in that yet already you have made the attempt to change. This in itself is some amend for how things have been. Drinking is a serious illness for alcoholic folk & it was something I took to extremes too. I want you to know that we are here for you to share with & we have all & are going through a lot of changes in order to make our lives better. I'm glad you found this site & have chosen to share what you're feeling. As Doll said you're not alone. There are lots of Ace people here who can give you good practical pointers on how to put the drink down & keep it down. Keep coming back with how you are. Like Carol says it's 1Day@aTime & little by little you will be surprised, glad & pleased with how you can change things & achieve some new qualities in your life. When I put the drink down that left me a lot of space to deal with the other issues in my life. Drinking held me back & put my life on hold. I felt I was treading water for a long time. It's nice to feel I'm moving on a little now. Thanks for posting, Jennifer. Keep up the good work with your 2days. That's really great, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you everyone! As far as AA meetings go in my town there is a counsler in town that specializes in dependency and teaches the DUI class in town. He is also a counsler. I am going to make an appointment with him so I can get the help I need. I feel like I need someone sane to talk with. I am also dealing with some major depression and I think that will help as well.
I am so glad I have joined this forum. I feel a little better already. I guess I really am not crazy and that things will change for me. I think my depression along with drinking has really brought me down. I am going to sit my family down for a talk tonight. I really want things to change for the better. I want things better for all of us. This is just no way to live and I have to get rid of this guilt because it is not healthy. I can't change the past but I can choose what to do with the future.
I am so glad I have joined this forum. I feel a little better already. I guess I really am not crazy and that things will change for me. I think my depression along with drinking has really brought me down. I am going to sit my family down for a talk tonight. I really want things to change for the better. I want things better for all of us. This is just no way to live and I have to get rid of this guilt because it is not healthy. I can't change the past but I can choose what to do with the future.
Justme,
You have just discovered the power of what a group of recovering drunks can do together to help each other stay sober. That is the whole essence of AA. we are not crazy, just sick people who are trying to get well and together "We" can do what we couldn't do on our own. Thank you for for helping me to stay sober today.
Hi Jennifer - my name is Jen and I also appreciate your honesty and openness. You are in a very hard time, but just know that if you want, it can just get better over time. I'm afraid this sounds a bit corny, but AA has really saved my life. I have gone through so many hard times but so long as I put my recovery first, everything has turned out okay. It sounds like you are taking the right steps by seeing a counselor, and I agree with the other posts that say that its difficult to get sober without AA meetings. I hated it at first, but once I gave it a chance I found that meetings were just what I needed. There were many years I didn't have a car, but people gave me rides. I'm not sure why you say that AA is out of the question because its a small town, but if you are saying that because you are afraid that you won't be "anonymous", well, that goes for everyone else there. And generally the world knows that we have this problem anyway, so going to AA is only a good thing, not a shameful thing. Anyway, thanks for the post and I hope we hear from you again!
Oh shoot. I should have posted my post on the other thread over here. Well- what I said over there, but right here.
If I couldn't go to meetings (which I haven't been doing lately because of work/family/other business issues) I think I would listen to CDs (I got some from Sobrietytalks.com that were pretty epic and make me feel not so alone in the struggle- John Larroquette's in particular was really great for me, but there's all kinds) and I'd try-try-try to find someone to hang around with who is sober.
I also keep a crapload of soda in the house and drink it on ice like a fiend and I stay busy a lot. And I don't go to bars, avoid the liquor section of my grocers, dont frequent liquor stores at all, skip a lot of parties entirely. And I lost a lot of friends when I quit drinking- not all of them by any means but chiefly my drinking buddies. I had some rough and tumble drinking buddies. I guess they thought I was more fun when I was trouble. I don't mind though- I have plenty friends and don't really need that caliber of friend anyhow.
Funny that you should mention John larroquette. I met him in Palos Verdes CA one night after hearing him tell his story (for 2 hours) at a speakers meeting. It was an amazing story about being raised by his uncles after both parents had died, in New Orleans where "you were old enough to drink when you could see over the bar!"
We talked for about 30 minutes and he was just another guy, one of us. This was back in '91 when he was doing that comedy show about sobriety. Man did he keep us laughing, I thought I was going to suffocate I was laughing so hard.
