Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 91
My drive to work provides me with an opportunity for self-examination. One day while making this trip, I began to review my progress in sobriety, and was not happy with what I saw. I hoped that, as the work day progressed, I would forget these troublesome thoughts, but as one disappointment after another kept coming, my discontent only increased, and the pressures within me kept mounting. I retreated to an isolated table in the lounge, and asked myself how I could make the most of the rest of the day. In the past, when things went wrong, I instinctively wanted to fight back. But during the short time I had been trying to live the A.A. program I had learned to step back and take a look at myself. I recognized that, although I was not the person I wanted to be, I had learned to not react in my old ways. Those old patterns of behavior only brought sorrow and hurt, to me and to others. I returned to my work station, determined to make the day a productive one, thanking God for the chance to make progress that day.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
In~synch there, Doll! I'm not feeling too good at all today & it relates very much to today's reflection. I hate what I see in me & I hate to call it a disease even though I can see the sense in that. I can see how this view could be criticised also & my pride in not wanting to be wrong gives me my reservations. I'm also fearful that if I give in & say 'yes, it is a disease' it will make me more ill & resigned to 'being sick'. I don't want to be sick. I've been fighting like this all my known life & it always comes down to the same insecurities so what's the point in denying it. I'm scared. Scared that if I succomb there'll be no way out of that sticky mess. It's like I still want to be this 'normal person' & not me. But, I am me & I hurt & I can't cope with pain. I've still quite a ways to go before I can seize these sensations as a chance to learn & thrive & turn it around. Maybe all I have to do IS stop fighting. Wish I didn't hate myself ever! Life would be much easier lol I did try & react differently today though by calling & leaving nice messages for others so to forget my own self~centredness. The Program has been trying to teach me that & I've not been noticing. My own little world. There is a way out like this. Thanks for your post, Doll. This will pass & be better soon I know, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I read your post and I wanted to share somethings with everyone including you. With alcoholism it only takes one thing to cure us all and that one thing is abstinence from alcohol and we are cured. For our Sanity we go to meetings, work the steps, draw closer and closer to GOD and help others. Now, how great that is for all alcoholics around the World! No other disease in the World can have the "BLESSINGS" that this one has.
Cancer has to be cut out, radiation poisons your system, then you are puking your guts out along with loosing your hair. Then there is Lou Gehrigs disease that closes off the airways until you can't swallow your own food so you eat through an IV. AIDs, Luekemia, blindness , Diabetes , and Heart Disease, along with rheumatoid Arthritis, and what I have A typical Rhuematic Syndrome, plus some other goodies. But in light of all this, GOD has been so good to me and my husband.
I certainly don't have a problem with being a RECOVERED ALCOHOLIC now for 13.8 years and counting. So I can't ever pick up another drink in my life because it will kill me. That is alright! Drinking doesn't do anything for me anyway. My last drunk I was having seizures, blacked out, and thought I was dying because of my heart rate being so crazy. After I stopped that day I continued with seizures for another year and 1/2.
I remember 28 years of partying. What did it get me but heartache, illness, broken marriages, broken families, lies, cheating, and stealing. I became the person that I never would have associated with. Because of that I caused great harm to my Self.
Now Iam NEW and Not that Person so I can move on to the person GOD want me to be, with his help.
Good morning Daniella, Sorry to hear your having such a bad day! I love the part where you left nice messages for people out of the blue. That makes others feel sooo good. I know you have shared some wonderful things with me and that shows me what a great person you are! Im scared alot too, but at least we have AA and all the awesome people on here to give us Strength and Hope! I havent been around long enough to really feel like I have the right things to say to you, but, if I could I'd give you a huge HUG and hope you feel alittle better. It's early, so as the post above says..try to make the most of the rest of the day..We can always start our day over!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Lani, you have exactly the right things to say because you share honestly from your heart but I know what you mean. Sometimes we get so lost in ourselves particularly in early recovery & it can be awe~inspiring to hear how others manage to recover from the illness & share their E,S&H with us. We in turn are a part of this & the Newcomer gives as much as they receive even if not knowing so. I'm getting into my seat of responsibility & feeling quite alot braver after my earlier post. Thanks for your kind words. I posted & left for a noonday meet in which I began to share & lost my tiny mind enough to allow some of the inner pain & struggle to come out. I hated everyone after speaking for seeing me like that but for an instance before the bitterness of hate came in I felt the fear that it was sparked from. I never knew how much fear was a part of this illness until I came into recovery. I was in tears after the meet too & tried to sneak off somewhere (probably to cry unproductively in shame) but another member grabbed me on the way out & thanked me for my share. 'Coincidently' I was at his 1st Birthday a few months ago. He went back out for a week after & came straight back in again. I admire that humility & haven't got the guts to go back out only to come back again. I couldn't take my imperfection in that sense so that healthy fear keeps me sober too! Anyway, he told me that my sharing all of that shite was me getting well & that I was doing just great. Lots of love from others came as well & I bit my lip a little longer. I then saw my Dad, bought bedding & made up his new bed in his new place for him which was a great gift for me. I was grateful for that. Then I went with my friend & flatmate to work on my Higher Power in another spiritual pursuit & finally got to another meeting for the last half hour. I shared how grateful I was for the love & support I've had in fellowship since I came in especially in those moments where I've felt vulnerable & lost it & thanked everyone for the kindnesses they've given to me in encouraging me that I AM getting well especially in & because of those moments. It's that sweet release in myself & acceptance from others that gives me courage & restores my sanity. A.A. & fellowship teaches & reminds me how to love me when I've forgotten. Afterwards, whilst we were stood holding hands (all 28 of us) readying for the serenity prayer another member announced that I had my 1st year Oct 1st & everyone clapped & sang HP Bday. This was beautiful, unexpected & really humbling yet proud too. It was so good to share the sobriety. I had worked long hours all week & not really spoken of it with the distraction. So, today, I feel healed, a little more loved inside & out & very much closer to my God & its meaning for me. I love what you say with your faith, Pam. I'm getting better at understanding that spirituality. As for the disease - If I have the problem then I also have the solution. Thanks everyone for being here sharing with me. Being back on MIP is so good for me. I need you all. Thankyou, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Yea for you!! And especially for one year!!!! I'll be happy when I finally get my one month coin! Another story, again!! My wedding anniversary was Oct 1--19 years! So, even though weve been thru the ringer lots of times, my marriage and you, are still holding strong!! So, yea for all of us!!!Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
