It's healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That's different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior - a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized - because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
It's weird how I just come to realize this myself. I am noones emotional babysitter! There are some people that no matter how you tippy toe or walk on egg shells around that are going to take offense to what you say. Some people make up stuff just to get mad about and that's there stuff. I can't worry about other people feelings all the time. I need to start with my own. I have felt victimized and held resentment towards those that I would feel betray me. I took the invite of emotional caretaking and then they turn on me. That was my fault. No more, no more! I am noones emotional babysitter!!! :) 21 days sober and counting.
Hmm, that reminds me of how to take care of myself in my biological family. I have a Relative that is Dry now for 18 years. However, he has been verbally abusive to everyone since the first day I was able to see him.
I pray and leave a room today when he begins his tirades and behavior of hatred towards all mankind, my generation, or just people he wants to kill. It is a sad thing to see and hear this ugly type of evil hatred come from someone that I Love.
I used to be confused about being that way myself, negative, mean, angry, but I always had LOVE inside trying to get out . I am BLESSED to know "GOD" and LOVE you. Today, I count my BLessings. I have so many to count now. Oh, I have heard the evil one of say to me run run run take care of this and this and this and this. I have to stop and say NO.
After being Sober for years I ran myself into a burn out in a Church I was in. This was 3 years ago. I also watched a Pastor and a friend fall, a congregation hurting, and me having to turn a child into the State for Child Abuse in our Nursery. It was aweful! My child is in trouble with the law drinking druggin and going in and out of Juvenile halls, rehabs, then jail. Plus my SPonsor was dying of Brain cancer later on 1 year ago. it devastated me.
I took care of myself by leaving that Church that I LOVED. After being in it for 9 years and faithfully serving in it. But I found that I wasn't taking care of me and that GOD was going to take care of everything without me trying to run the show. it hurt me more than I could ever have expected it to by leaving that CHURCH.
It has taken 2 years to heal and I am still healing over the death of my Friend and SPonsor. I don't have an answer as to "WHO" I will have as my next SPONSOR. I am still praying for GOD to put that SPECIAL WOMAN into my life.
I will continue to take care of "ME" with GOD"S HELP. I will use the Program, here, and every other type of help I need including Alanon. To help take care of ME.
Hi,I so related to your sharing.I have been hurt so much times.I take care of myself first and family.I do what I can manage and ok for me.I have been close to AA meetings and church.I dont go as much now.I take care of my children.I'm home alot.Enjoying sobriety one day at a time.from kowhai.
Welcome to MIP, Kowhai. I hope you can settle here & share your E,S&H with us. I too have to learn how to take care of me & letting go of others in the process. I have difficulty differentiating between care-taking, controlling & responsibility. I also have a resentment towards apathy & can't stand not to know how to help others for the best. I don't know how to leave others be in the kindest possible way & I work in the care field so the line here can be difficult too especially discerning where appropraite boundaries & duties are. On a personal level I have made it my choice to be the primary person in my life to take care of me. This means I have to watch my thoughts because the worst way I can suffer is in the way I think. Heyhey, that must be alcoholism, eh! Anyway, I've always had a habit of defining myself within the comfort of a relationship & I will be listening very closely to those who are managing to live with & love themselves in their own right as a person without this partnership validation. I have felt like shit for the last few days & been really 'confused' about how I feel about myself & I know this isn't active self~care. It's about time I started to think nicely about myself inspite of my shortcomings, defects & weaknesses. It's always baffled me how other people who are also imperfect can still have a good measure of self~worth simply because they can like themselves & accept their faults as a part of who they are. I cannot allow this dis~ease, this thinking illness infect me from the inside out for the rest of my life. Surely this is part of working my Program. I will pray for the courage to turn this into my journey & share on my successes & not focus on the negative. I've been obsessed with the negatives for too long. This is my self~centred fear. If I'm not perfect then no one will like/respect me. I've said it, shared it & now do not have to be owned by it. Thanks for letting me share this. I feel better. Self~respect.. Just for today, Danielle x Ps. Congrats on your 21days, Daisypops. A fantastic miracle in motion. Keep up the Goodwork ;)
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 18:21, 2007-10-07
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
