Is your relationship hampered by emotional walls & barriers, secrets & long silences? Fear of intimacy is common in adults, especially if you've been scarred in the past.
Fear of intimacy is the exact opposite of the close relationship you had with your best friend when you were a kid. You may be lucky enough to have a best friend now, but the depth and scope of those childhood friendships may seem unbeatable because you shared all your secrets. Fear of intimacy -- hiding behind emotional walls and barriers -- wasn't usually an issue. Overcoming fear of intimacy and anxiety wasn't even on the radar screen.
Fear of intimacy is definitely a grown up problem.
Fear of intimacy involves the reluctance to open up and reveal your true self, perhaps because you've been hurt in the past. Or, if you grew up in an emotionally and socially closed environment and never learned how to be vulnerable to either friends or lovers, you may have a hard time opening up now. This is fear of intimacy. We've all been betrayed and hurt by loved ones in big and small ways a thousand tiny betrayals. Regardless of the pain was accidentally or deliberately caused, were naturally reluctant to open ourselves up again. Not wanting to get hurt can lead to an extreme fear of intimacy.
Fear of intimacy is different than fear of commitment. You can be married and not know your partner emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. In fact, loneliness in marriage is more difficult than being lonely as a single person or widow. Marital loneliness springs from fear of intimacy in one or both partners.
The strongest foundation of an intimate partnership is a good friendship. Whether you're friends or lovers (or both) there are three elements of a strong, healthy relationship: authenticity, communication, and honesty. These three elements can lower fear of intimacy.
Three elements that reduce fear of intimacy:
Authenticity: your feelings match your words and actions. If you feel angry or betrayed, you express yourself with words and behavior (remember that 90% of communication is nonverbal, which means that even if you dont speak your feelings, your actions will likely reveal them). Try sentences such as "I feel sad because I hoped to see you there," or "I'm angry and frustrated because I was relying on you to take the garbage out, and now the garbage truck won't be back for another week." Instead of hiding behind fear of intimacy, step out and reveal yourself. You'll feel vulnerable and afraid - there's no getting around that!
Communication: Mutual self-disclosure occurs when the two of you share your personal and everyday experiences. You open up at the same level; for instance, you both discuss experiences of being betrayed in the past or neither of you shares it. You meet each other at the same level in terms of the amount and type of personal experiences and thoughts you disclose. If mutual self-disclosure doesnt happen, then youre in an unbalanced relationship. One partner has opened their heart, while the other has hidden it away. This is fear of intimacy that can be reduced simply by talking about it.
Honesty: You talk about what's going on in your life, how you really feel and what you really think. You reveal whats important to you, which builds trust in your relationship. You dont play games, such as expecting your partner to read your mind or dropping hints instead of saying what you really mean. You may still have a fear of intimacy, but you're honest about it.
The longer fear of intimacy festers, the worse it gets - and the more difficult it is to overcome. Now's the time to face your fear of intimacy and embark on a bigger, deeper life!
__________________
Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
Overcoming fear of intimacy means sharing your real self with others. Intimacy is communicating your true thoughts & feelings; fear of intimacy involves emotional walls.
Overcoming fear of intimacy means you need to learn to be yourself, as difficult as it is. Simple in theory, difficult in practice. Intimacy in relationships involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. It's risky, which is why fear of intimacy often develops.
Overcoming fear of intimacy can improve your relationships and deepen your life.
Intimacy is similar to authenticity, in that both involve revealing your true self. Fear of intimacy is common, and can be related to fear of commitment but theyre not the same thing. You can be married or committed to your partner, but not emotionally intimate. You can be in love, but not connected. Overcoming fear of intimacy allows real emotional and physical connections.
Signs of possible fear of intimacy:
Deliberate withholding of personal information is probably fear of intimacy.
Withdrawing when others talk about their thoughts and feelings. Protecting yourself often reveals fear of intimacy.
Critical of yourself or others is less obvious fear of intimacy.
Feelings of anger or discomfort when others voice their thoughts and opinions.
Lack of affection with loved ones can indicate fear of intimacy.
Dont forget that some people are simply less demonstrative about their feelings. You can work on your self to become more intimate, if youd like, but you cant change your loved ones.
Recognize your habit of hiding behind a wall, whether its withdrawing silently or being overly effusive and talkative. You want to overcome your fear of intimacy.
Realize that hiding doesnt necessarily mean verbal silence. You can hide your real self and still be the centre of attention or leader of the pack.
Notice when youre hiding, and consciously decide if you should continue (sometimes you dont necessarily want to spill your guts you need to discern when to open up). You're trying to overcome your fear of intimacy.
Tell your partner that you want to hide, and you feel uncomfortable talking about your thoughts. Sharing your discomfort and fear especially with someone you love often makes them dissipate.
Practice sharing one thought at a time. Take baby steps with people you trust; soon, sharing your self will become a habit and youll be comfortable doing it often. You'll overcome your fear of intimacy one step at a time.
Seek help from a counselor if these steps dont work for you. There are underlying issues that are making you fearful, and dealing with those directly may be the only way to overcome your fear of intimacy.
Changing your partner
Other than encouraging openness and honesty, you cant do anything to improve your partners fear of intimacy just like you cant expect to change their personality or habits. You can share how your partners lack of intimacy makes you feel (eg, I feel scared when I dont know how you feel when we fight.), and express your wish for a closer relationship. The more you discuss fear of intimacy, the more your partner may open up.
You cant force someone open up to you, but you can choose who to become involved with and how much of your self you give to them. Overcoming fear of intimacy can be done.
__________________
Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
