Yesterday I completed 30 days...My group celebrated my birthday and gave me a token, a key ring with message of AA inscribed.It was a touching moment for me.Not that I had not lived without alcohol for this long before.5 months back I had completed 45 days on my own...That was a time when I had become disillusioned with AA programme, I had somehow convinced myself that this won't work for me, and I am a far stronger person to handle affairs on my own.My inability to speak out during the meetings was not helping also.I managed the 45 days wonderfully, enjoying all goodies in life, sometimes I felt inclined to take up booze again, however the distractions like movie, book, friends helped me steer ahead....But one day when one of my booze-friends who returned to town and and was also going through an emotional crisis,called me over for a drink, I took up bottle as easily as I had left it....There was no regret,no guilty conscience, no feeling of a losing bottle.....And then it started again and again..The same trap, the dangerous life style, toll on body, on work, family relationships restricted to need based talks.......I went back again to AA...This time, also motivated by old timers of AA residing in metro cities over phone, I decided to speak out. In earlier meetings I will sometimes break out in little sobs on hearing experiences of fellow members, but could never come out with my own.When I spoke for the first day, I cannot express the relief, the peace I felt.....

In last 30 days, I overcame so many of my inhibitions:

1. Earlier I would not introduce myself as an alcoholic, now I do

2. Iam an atheist, so constant refernce to GOD, Higher power disturbed me and made group's thoughts unreceptive, now I have translated my innate belief in energy of the universe in God.

3.I never prayed before when group prayer was on....Now I do.

4.I would think before I speak, now I let it be spontaneous.

5.I overcame so many of my fears....those to lose a friend, lose my job,getting 'exposed' in the conservative society etc. etc...Now I donot care, I have realised even  if tommorow all fears come true, I will have MYSELF to look forward to.

6.My self program of forgiving 'those who erred' got a boost.

7.Being a perfectionist, I earlier stressed myself to no ends to attain it in my work, now with  a new job only 20 days old, I take it easy, each day at a time, and work only that much which helps me maintain balance in life.

8. Earlier all my free time went into boozing or finding ways to drink/arranging the bottles/finding new places to buy(in the city I live,women going to liquor shops is a taboo)....Now I work out in gyms, have started redaing books again, listen to the music I love, cook exotic food, even talk sometimes with my family....

Inspite of all this there is so much I would still want to change:

1. I get irritated very easy at home.My patience level has gone down there.

2. Without the aid of booze which gave me a feeling of having control on my speech and the way I carried myself I feel so naked sometimes.

3.I lose coherence of what I talk about and shy away from public speaking and much interactions.

4.Procrastination level has gone down, but I need to work more.

5.I feel  helpless in general and vulnerable sometimes which comes out of no resaon.

6.My mood swings also cause people around me hurt.

7.I find it more difficult to express myself in MY own world.

8.Sometimes(the pattern is once in 8 days) I feel like hurting myself through doing something rash as one nite stand, or calling the friend who proposed recently to me, to say that I don't want him or any LOVE/good thing in life

Maybe there are more to what I wrote down....But these come straight with the clarity I have developed.

 There have been times in last 30 days when I wanted to take up booze again, and do rash things, but the group's work, calling members helped.It did keep me even from thinking about the idea of hitting the bottle.There was a love, a feeling that it did matter to others if I slipped, and the self-responsibility I developed encouraged me to go ahead.

In yesterday's meeting when one of old members who still finds it difficult to remain sobre quoted me as inspiration, I got teary.However I know that the path is not easy, there is no guarantee or fool proof formula.What is really important for me is to take small steps in life, those which are managable and achievable....one day at a time sounds perfect...

Thank you Universe, ur positive energy to help me stay strong...