Hi There ! Iam Nisha, 30 years old. I am a recovering alcoholic.I live in a city in india which is not very open to the idea of women alcoholics. Last year I realised that I need HELP....I remembered AA from some article in newspaper, I surfed teh net to see if there is any group in my city.....I landed up in all-men group of AA.After an year of being not regular to the meetings, not speaking out, I have finally made it a point to attend it once a week and speak out too from past one month.
I feel very lonely and constrained with discussing some things within the meeting. Also there is a restlesness going on inside me wherein I need to talk to more than one person at different mood stages to stick to no-booze routine, and to take out teh shit inside me.Somtimes I feel I dun want to talk in person atall..Sometimes I want to just write, in perfect anonymity.I tried searching on the net for such outlets.I am so glad that I found more than that...A live interactive community....I started reading the posts, and so many of my myths broke, I discovered people who experience similar emotions...
I have lived a life of trauma, self abuse for more than 6 years.My soul feels punctured.My memories somtimes are so hazy, I recall so many things in flashes, and then they are gone.I realise so many wrong decisions I took under the influence of liquor even when I was not actually consuming, so much of pain I subjeted myself to, so much agony I caused to near and dear ones..So much I LOST and misunderstood that people ditched me, wronged me, never calculating how much role I had to play....3 years back when I went thru the biggest trauma of my life which also changed so much of me, I refused to fight it out, and chose the path of drinking and abuse to get out of it, but gradually it was more of a vicious circle, me getting back in the trap which booze puts u into...I was aghast, totally, when one day I realised that I have absolutely NO control over my life...That feeling of helplessness, that despair,the sinking feeling, the vulnerability and sudden spurts of wanting to do harm to myself, shook me up badly....And thats when I sought help...Even in the help I slipped, I had so much of wall built up around me I didnt want to let anything, anyone, even if for my good, come inside....good part is now I have become more open than before...
I want to live, come out of the misery, I so much want to live....
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
It's good to 'meet' you. MIP is a great place to be and it adds a real quality to my sobriety. I pop here as often as I can and read and post when I want to.
Here is a link that might help to find you a few more meetings, if you haven't already found it:-
I wonder if you have a sponsor that you can talk to and who will understand just where you are coming from. I would be really lost without mine. I can raise topics and issues with her that I wouldn't feel comfortable about in the rooms of AA.
Also working the twelve steps was just what I needed. Without doing that, I would never have been able to maintain my sobriety for over eighteen months.
Please hang in there and keep posting here, won't you? We're all here for you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi Nisha - You are not alone! I'm glad that you found MIP, and I hope that you stay in touch with the people here. I am a 39-year-old woman and a recovering alcoholic. I couldn't have done it without other people who understood and who could help me really "work" AA. I'm glad to hear that you are attending meetings regularly, and I hope that you can find more meetings and possibly a sponsor. There is lots of hope, and misery doesn't have to be the only way to live! Keep in touch with us.
Your post has touched me deeply! You are definitely NOT alone! It is amazing to me that there are people from all over the world struggling with the same thing...experiencing the same inner turmoil and pain. But just as the struggles and pain are similiar, so is the hope! Thank you for sharing...
That's the spirit, the "willingness", that's the Key. Put your sobriety first in your life ("our primary purpose is to stay sober") and one day you'll turn around and 5 or 10 years will have passed and you think to yourself "Did all that stuff when I was drinking really happen, or was it just a bad dream" because you won't Be that person any longer. For me, I look back and my former life, as a practicing drunk and drug addict, and it's like it was some other person that I knew back then and I was aware of most of what occurred to That person, but it just wasn't me. It just doesn't cause me any pain to look back at it now.
That's an example of some of the promises-
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others."
those are guaranteed in writting-
"Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them."
Hi Nisha, My name is Kirsten and I am an alcoholic. I had a traumatic situation at work in May of this year. Instead of dealing with my feelings outward I turned by to my old friend from years before King Alcohol. It took me only 3 months to go from drinking 1 beer with a slice of pizza to driving around in my car with an open 6 pack at my side. I drank only the most expensive beer micro brews because I had learned they had a higher alcohol content. I was tormented because I knew NOTHING HAD CHANGED. I was the same drunk who had quit on March 17, 1992. It is true, "the greatest obsession of every alcoholic is to control their drinking". Believe you me no one is taking there hat off to me for my great control! After an intervention by a friend and my family I am back on the road to recovery day 2. My heart is with you Nisha. I too need AA to stay sober.
Please start a new thread and introduce yourself to get your properly deserved welcome, and welcome btw. Thanks for sharing that, it must have been hard for you after 15 years.
