We talk much about new relationship behaviors in recovery: allowing others to be themselves without over reacting and taking it personally, and owning our power to take care of ourselves. We talk about letting go of our need to control, focusing on self-responsibility, and not setting ourselves up to be victims by focusing on the other person while neglecting ourselves. We talk about having and setting healthy boundaries, talking directly, and taking responsibility for what we want and need.
While these behaviors certainly help us deal with addicted people, these are not behaviors intended only for use in what we call "dysfunctional relationships."
These behaviors are our new relationship behaviors. They help us in stressful relationships. They can help us get through times of stress in healthy relationships.
The recovery behaviors we are learning are tools - healthy relationship skills - that help us improve the quality of all our relationships.
Recovery means self-care - learning to take care of ourselves and love ourselves - with people. The healthier we become, the healthier our relationships will become. And we'll never outgrow our need for healthy behaviors.
Today, I will remember to apply my recovery behaviors in all my relationships - with friends and co-workers, as well as in any special love relationship. I will work hard at taking care of myself in the troublesome relationships, figuring out which skill might best apply. I will also consider ways that my healthy relationships might benefit from my new relationship skills.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Great post - sure hits home. Guess we learn from our broken relationships. I have been going through a break up right now. It didn't last because of his issues and not mine - boy that was of a relief to know that it wasn't me - but it still hurts. So we have decided to just be friends and that's alright with me for now. One thing that I did learn was that I am not an awful person but a reality is that I am not worth being loved. Just my share at this moment in time. Later - Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Trying to repair the damage I caused in my relationship is going to take time. I've not been sober long enough to say I'm ok to be with my wife (we're separated right now). Realizing what my behavior was like and what I need to do is a step in the right direction. Now I need to take the appropriate actions. Staying sober is the first and biggest. Not projecting my expectations on to her. The list goes on and on. There are some issues of hers that she has to deal with as well.
We spent Saturday together with the kids. It was great! I was sober. We talked and had a good time. No arguments. Not trying to control each other and just let things happen made things so much easier for everyone. By being apart, we're both able to step back and look at our life together. Taking the time to ask 'what is it that we really want?' then talking about it together, helps us to understand each other better.
Great post - sure hits home. Guess we learn from our broken relationships. I have been going through a break up right now. It didn't last because of his issues and not mine - boy that was of a relief to know that it wasn't me - but it still hurts. So we have decided to just be friends and that's alright with me for now. One thing that I did learn was that I am not an awful person but a reality is that I am not worth being loved. Just my share at this moment in time. Later - Jeannie
Hi Jeannie,
I hope this is a typo, but in case it isn't, of course you are worth being loved. That's an affirmation that we should say to ourselves in the mirror every morning. I really like the "affirmations for adult children" daily reader.
As for the topic, those tools mentioned (setting boundries ect...) are all in the Coda program, which I highly recommend for AA's that want to improve relationship skills. You have to become the heathy person before you can attract them. We will only attract, and be attracted to, people who are about as healthy as we are.
I agree that everybody is worth being loved. Unfortunately we don't always feel that way...myself being one of them. What is the Coda described in the last post? I am curious to know more. It certianly sounds like something all recovering Alcoholics need. Thanks!
Yess it's true - that is my true feeling. I don't like what I see in the mirror every morning. I see a worthless, useless person who is pondering the thought of why am I on the face of this earth and what is my purpose in life. I can't seem to find the contentment that I had once before. It would be interesting to know more about the Coda that you had mentioned. Later - Jeannie
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You only live once; but if you work it right, once is enough. There is nothing better than the encouragement of a good friend.
Coda is short for Codependents anonymous, which is another 12 step group (chartered by AA to use the 12 steps as adapted to the CA program). By definition a codependent is a person that has spent a fair amount of time in a relationship with an alcoholic such as a parent, spouse, child etc.... and as such has developed dysfunctional behavior (coping skills) similar to an "Alanon", that causes them problems in their relationships. I went to 2-3 meetings a week for the first 3 years of sobriety and It made a world of difference. On the site below is a lot of info on the program, anyone interested can send me a message for more info on books. that site has meeting schedules across the country. Check out the partial list of "Coda characteristics" to see if you identify with a few.
