I have a problem. What if being married to my wife is the reason I drink? I became an alcoholic about 5 years into our marriage. We have been married for 8 years now. I recently went to rehab and continue to go to meetings. I had not had a drink for almost 2 months when I took one about a month ago. She kicked me out of the house and I have been living with my friend. While I was at home, the whole time I felt like I really wanted one but since I have moved out I haven't even thought about it. She wants me to come back, but what if living with her is why I do it? She doesn't drink, but I haven't had the urge since.
I'm going through a very similar thing. Though I've been in and out of this program for 27 years. I wasn't drinking when my second wife and I got married, but it has evolved into a serious problem again. My first wife divorced me because of my drinking (but she had problems of her own too). This time my drinking is the only reason my wife has told me to leave. I truly do love her and have a great deal of respect for her. However, as with any relationship, we have our problems. But when faced with our problems and issues, I tend to resort to drinking rather than the confrontation. The more I drank, the more there were problems. The more problems, the more I drank...
We have been separated for about two weeks now. I am back into the program, going to meetings at least once a day. We are going to counseling (only one meeting so far). I still talk to her every other day or so. The urge of drinking has lessen a little, partly because I'm working the program. My wife is a very light drinker and only on special occasions.
Yes, my alcohol use is the problem. If our relationship never recovers, it's only because of that. Being separated is a time for both of us to step back from each other and re-think our marriage. It also gives me time to concentrate on getting my alcoholism under control.
I want our relationship to work. But I must resolve my issues first. If I stop drinking, there would be fewer problems. duh.
Anyways, I don't try to give advise, but I'm a dumb drunk... Ask yourself what you want. Maybe you aren't capatible with each other. Maybe you should bring this up in a meeting. Maybe the two of you should go to counseling. Marriages are hard. They take work. Divorce is the easy answer, but working through the problems has it's rewards.
Too both of the above posters. I too had to leave a marriage to get sober. And I had tried to get sober for 2 years while in that marriage and it was impossible for a number of reasons. During that first 6 months of sobriety I realized that my x-wife and I were incompatible. Just think about it. She was attracted to me because I was a drunk and visa versa. So when I was getting sober I realized that I had deluded myself into a false perception about who/how she was. I'm sure she was aware of that, and that she would never measure up to it.
Today I am good friends with her as she is the mother of my 20 yo son, but there is no way that I would ever be attracted to her now, given that I didn't know her before. Physically she's very attractive don't get wrong, it's just her personality and life style that could never work for me now. But what's amazing is that when we were separated, I thought she was the only one for me.
I was very fortunate in early sobriety to be attending AA meetings in an AA club in Va. that had other fellowships meeting there. One night I was a few minutes late to a meeting, got my coffee, went in and sat down. The topic was announced by the leader and it was foreign to me. As I lifted up my head I noticed that most of the people in the room were women. I thought I was in a women's meeting but very soon after I realized that I was in a Co-dependents anonymous meeting. Well by the end of the meeting I had heard the "characteristics" and several other preambles read and realized that I had issues related to this program.
After that I spent 3 years going to Coda meetings regularly (along with daily AA meetings). I really got a handle on my relationship issues. I believe that It helped keep me sober, as I was not only having problems with my x-wife, but with family, people at work, and friends... I am grateful to AA for my sobriety don't get me wrong, but the program is sorely lacking in the relationship department. I can't count how many meetings I was in and someone said "I'm having a problem with the wife or GF" and someone (the leader or an oldtimer) cut them off and said "please restrict your comments as they pertain to alcohol... A couple other conclusions of mine, are that most people relapse because of relationships and not necessarily that they were coming to an end. The other is that most of your 5 year and over sober AA's tend to live alone. Why do you think that is?
Ok so now I've been happily married for 10 years, to a non-alcoholic. We dated for 2 years, lived together for 2 more before getting married. We have never even had an argument. I can't imagine life without her. I don't know how else to put it. Sorry about the plug for another program but I'd feel I was holding back if I didn't. Bottom line, with the tools I got from that program, I've spent 14.5 years out of 18 years sober with my current wife and I've never wanted to drink
I left my husband thinking getting away from him, I wouldn't "need" to drink so much.....after moving into my own home, uprooting kids, changing jobs, filing for divorce etc, I was so busy I didn't have time to drink, for a short while. Then, I began doing a little social drinking. But the 'social' part only lasted about 2 months, before I realized it, I was actually drinking more and more often than before we split (no one to point a finger I first thought). It still took me another 3 years to get to AA..It was then I realized I'm a drunk, plain and simple.....What I found out when I got to AA, I was using the proverbial 'geographical cure'. Looking back, I realized I've done that many, many times throughout my drinking career. I'd changed boyfriends, husbands, jobs, cars, houses, none of it kept me from eventually drinking again!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
One can blame whoever one wants to as to why they drink. Ultimately the drinker has the choice to pick up or not. I had dated several "drinkers".......the so called thing to do to be in the "in crowd" where I grew up. Never had the urge or desire so to say the least I was sort of tagged "the straight and narrow". I and my AH dated for probably 2 yrs before I gave in and "tried" it. Everyone did so why not me? LOL Went through a period of the "socializing" until one day just simply asked myself "is this what I really want?" Sort of concluded on my own that if alcohol was all it was cracked up to be then why the God awful hangovers? LOL So on my own I gave it up. AH did not stop. There were very few nights that can be remembered that he did not drink and of those very few he drank at home. Fast forward..... stress over some family problems (with his side), led to a move and job changes for him, led to financial strains ect ect and all the while more and more and more alcohol. I could see the physical effects the alcohol was taking along with the changes in attitude towards me. Remotely mention that alcohol was part of it and of course......he drank that much more. Enter....mistress...... more personality change (towards me) on and on and on. I've been blamed by him for just about everything that has went wrong in his life. Guess what?....... we've not lived togethor for close to 5 years. Has that stopped the drinking? Hardly! The last time we spoke.....another accusation flew from his mouth that sadly is a fabrication of his alcoholic imagination......an outright lie!!!!!! One that threw me totally off guard since it had absolutely nothing to do with the reason I had called him in the first place. He was drunk. He had absolutely no prior knowledge (nor did I) that we'd be talking. This is not the first time since our split this has occurred. To answer your question...........it REALLY is up to the individual whether to drink (and continue to do so). One can blame all they want ........ultimately the choice is yours and yours alone. I still deeply love my AH very much. He has many fine qualities of which I doubt seriously he is even aware he has. What I HATE IS the alcohol and how it has diminished both his body and his mind (and his spirit) I had not one iota of how to cope with this disease...... UNTIL.......I came to AA....... Ironic isn't it? Fighting against an alcoholic would lead to learning and having my life and spirit totally enriched and lifted by alcoholics! I cannot stop AH. Its HIS choice to drink or not. The consequences will be his and his alone! Me.......I've learned to step back, let go, and allow him those things. It is also a choice to pray for him, just as prayers are said for others who have cancer, heart disease, ect. After spending many many hours reading and rereading the 12 steps one comes to understand one's own "relationship" to the "relationships" in one's life and one comes to a point one is more and more aware of self (his/her actions and words) and the impact those things have upon others. One as well comes to understand what one can control and what can't be controlled. It all is intertwined. The catch.......those 12 steps have to be considered each and everyday of ones life. Blame.......did it......until I got a better picture of things and then had to accept that although I don't drink was not faultless. Suggestion: read the chapter in the Big Book about the spouses (or others) who are relationships with alcoholics. This disease impacts EVERYONE in a relationship.....whether it is parent/child, spouse/spouse, or friend/friend, ect. ect. There are no easy answers in these situations that is for sure........The only suggestion is to work on YOU first, take care of YOU and your sobriety FIRST. The rest will come.... Wanda
