Would it surprise you to know that many times the expectations we have of others are born out of our own psyche, and have little to do with the person we have them about?
Expectations in relationships can begin when we take our own ideals, standards, and views of things, and project them onto other people. We then anticipate that they will live in accordance with these standards.
Have you ever expected someone to be happy, sad, mad, afraid, or in some other emotional state, and have been surprised when they weren't? After all, that is how you would feel in the same situation. Or maybe you have been confused when you did something nice for someone that you expected them to like, but they weren't showing the enthusiasm about it that you thought they might? It was something you would have appreciated someone doing for you, so why didn't they like it you'd wondered.
As we project our life view onto others, we are assuming that they think and feel in a similar way that we would in the same situation, and we expect them to behave accordingly.
So, when someone close to us eventually does something that appears in deep contrast with the standards we have associated with them, we often feel hurt, betrayed, angry and confused. Our disappointment gets expressed in the kinds phrases we've all heard, or have even spoken ourselves... "I expected more from you", "You are the last person I'd ever have expected to do that", "You really let me down", "This is not like you at all" etc.
We profess this, however, having turned a blind eye to blunt behavioral evidence to the contrary on numerous occasions. We cleverly develop a tunnel vision where we only allow through, information that supports the view we have of who we want that person to be.
The truth is that people show us exactly who they are through their everyday behaviors. We are aware of who they are at a deeper level within us. We need to stop fantasizing and pretending things are not as they are. To stop filtering and begin to pay attention to the reality of what others think and feel, and how they behave. We must acknowledge to ourselves, the truth of who they are as individuals. When we do this we let down the illusory veil we've kept around them, and can thereafter stop the futile behaviors of projecting and expecting.
Take a moment to think about someone for whom you have developed a set of expectations for. How accurate are the assumptions you have made about this person's feelings and behaviors? Can you see that many of your expectations of them really revolve around you and your own feelings, beliefs, hopes, needs, and desires related to the relationship? That these things have been projected onto them? Have you tuned out obvious clues to their authentic personality?
Of course, looking at relationships with others in a more truthful light might reveal a need for making some changes within them, and it can be in human nature to fear and resist change. It usually seems safer and easier to stay in the secure cocoon of our fantasies. But if we remain there we are guaranteeing ourselves more pain from the inevitable let downs of unmet expectations, as how could anyone ever live up to someone else's illusions of them?
When we choose to break the illusion and replace our assumptions and projections with a truthful evaluation, freedom from expectations is carried with it, and the opportunity to begin a more clear and honest relationship is born.
On the flip side, we might sense that we are part of other's illusions at times, and that they have made assumptions, and projections, and have formed expectations of us. There is no way you can be true to yourself while trying to conform to someone else's agenda of course. What could be more of a waste of your authentic self expression than spending time acting out someone else's fantasy!
We hold some responsibility here, not to begin to conform to others manufactured images of ourselves. Sometimes we behave in ways that others think we should out of guilt, fear of not being liked, fear of abandonment (i.e. the relationship ending) or uncertainty ourselves in who we really are.
Might you be contributing to the reinforcement of illusions and projections that others have related to you, that have led them to develop unrealistic expectations of you?
Be real with the people in your life. Let them know who you really are, and how you really feel. As you begin to see and accept them for who they authentically are, gently help them to see through to their own mistaken assumptions and illusory identities they have built around you, to the real you as well.
When we demonstrate the insight and courage to embrace the truth, along with finally putting an end to the pain of constantly being disappointed by unmet expectations of one another, our relationships have the opportunity to become rich in authenticity, trust, and deep emotional bonding.
After reading this several times, I think that this is one of my problems relating to my wife and thusly our relationship. Expectations of her are just unrealistic (not in a bad way though). Dealing with these unsatisfied false expectations results in my own disappointments. However, this has given me a rather eye opening point of view. Maybe, I think she should be more like me. And when she's not, I wonder why or what's wrong. I will try very hard not to be so judgmental, that she is her own person, and that I shouldn't expect her to do things the way I think they should always be done. She's not me. She's herself.
I copied this (with appropriate credit) and emailed it to my wife with a similar statement. Couldn't hurt (I hope). Of course I have other personal issues which also need to be addressed as well before we can really start to heal.
I saw a couple today in a parking lot outside of the grocery store. Beautiful people- she was farking amazing. He was about 38 or 40, she was about 30 or 32. She was just naturally beautiful- this slim, tan girl with freckles and sandy brown hair that looked red and blonde and brown all at once when the sun shown on it. She wore jeans and a button up shirt and sandals, very casual but fashionable and elegant. He was in shorts and a T-shirt, running shoes- very casual but he looked really stoked to be with her, and they looked very happy. It took them forever to get across the parking lot to their car. I was making my way with Liam and a cart of groceries, then getting unloaded and getting Liam in the truck- when I went to put the cart away I had to go around them. They couldnt keep their hands off of each other and were generally making out standing in the parking lot of the grocery store. On the one hand I was totally envious of these two people that are so into each other, basking in some glow that follows you around when youre first excited about someone and are just hanging on every word, infatuated. I know that feeling exists and have been there, but of course cant artificially conjure that feeling up and so cant really put it into words. If youve felt it you know what Im talking about and are probably in the same boat. On another hand I looked across the parking lot at these two beautiful people just totally melting together and I dont envy them at all the letdown that the future most likely holds for them. The percentages are for failure, and god knows Ive been there and it sure does farking hurt. I can conjure that shit up a little, and the feeling you get when you think youre so in love with this person and you think theyre so in love with you and all of the sudden you get this realization that theyre sizing you up, wondering if theyre making the right choice, wondering if youre putting in 100% and even though youre sure you are you know theyre thinking you arent. Its all downhill from there, and so many times Ive seen the most beautiful person turn ugly with bitterness and jealousy and flat out horribly executed bad decisions, grasping for or inventing reasons why they are dissatisfied instead of just rolling with it or dropping it altogether. Fark that hurts. And Im not talking about these superficial imperfections finally surfacing in the fading light of a new love- thats negotiable and navigable - and not the way a person looks when theyve had too much wine or have gotten food poisoning or the flu. Its like the partys finally over and the last of the guests have gone home and its just you and a hundred empty bottles and the truth wondering where the celebration got off to. I put my cart away and sneak by them, basking a little in that glow theyre putting off today, wondering at how unreal that feels. I climb into the truck and head home with Liam and we feed the dogs and read about Thomas the Train and we generally have a good time and I like to think that we're generally happy. Anyhow- Im doing the dishes and thinking of how lucky some people are, the precious few who hang in there and do whatever they do and it works, and I hope a little for their sake that they part gracefully when things do go south and that they cut each other some slack and in parting try to be gentle. Its the least they can do for someone they loved. Even the best of intentions will sometimes pale when bathed in the harsh light of reality.
I went way out on a limb for you and for a while it was the sweetest thing you sitting out there with me, too. I guess I can see how dreaming that big could scare you pretty soon I found myself out there on that limb all alone. It was a hell of a lot sweeter out there holding hands with you After you left I got a chance to look around pretty soon I noticed it's a long way down. Some of the hardest lessons in life are the most painful. All in all I'd have to guess that just between you and I Well- I'm the way better tree climber.
