My name is Brian and I am an alcoholic. I have been attending meetings and staying sober for a few months now. My girlfriend will reach 10 years clean soon. Unfortunately I relapsed a few days ago and she told me, she and I need to stay apart until I have dealt with my drinking. It feels like we are breaking up. I mean... we did break up. She said if she let me stay in her life, continuously relapsing, then she would be part of my problem. And that I was affecting her recovery in a bad way. It bears noting that she and I love each other deeply. But she loves her sobriety more than anything. And she would love me to be clean too, so that we can be together. It was explained to me by more people than her that I can't let her or anything come before my recovery. So this is my question. When will I be ready to get back with her? How do I catch up to someone with so much more clean time than me? And when will she be ready to accept me back into her life?
We started out as just neighbors, then we became friends, slowly we became best friends, and shortly thereafter our relationship bloomed into the most passionate deeply meaningful, intense relationship either of us had ever known.
The length of time doesn't matter to either of us because our love is so strong that it is physically painful for us to be apart. But we have been together for more than a year. The point is that we were friends and she got to know all of my problems and I hers. My life at the time when she met me was in total disarray and a complete mess, mostly of my own doing because of my alcoholism, But she Loved me anyway. Inspite of me. That is why it is so important to me not to lose her. I love her like I have never loved anyone or anything in my life. Now she wants me to love me as much as she loves me, so for now I have to go it alone.
Which brings me back to my original question, when will I be ready for us to resume our relationship?
There is no answer to that question. But there is an unwritten rule that new comers to AA should try and stay out of relationships till they get 1 year of sobriety and likewise those with more than a year should avoid having relations with new comers for the sake of the new comer and themselves. Sobriety is a fragile thing, especially in the first year. It's more than enough trying to deal with getting sober and focusing on one's self without having to go through the emotional up's and down's from relationships. More than likely this is why you're in the situation you're in. Focus on getting sober, more will be revealed and more doors will open for you the longer that you are sober. For the sake of you, her, and your sobriety and not necessarily in that order, you might want to accept that this relationship is over for now and focus on getting sober. Let the future take care of itself. IMO it's very difficult to stay sober and hang on to a relationship. And , what kind of relationship can you have while you're drinking?
I was in a similar situation when i had a couple months of sobriety. My wife and I separated and it wasn't my choice. I held out hope for awhile that if I got sober that we might get back together. I was absolutely miserable. But I continued to go to meetings daily, talk with my sponsor and not drink. 3 months went by and I started feeling better and began to question my desire to re-unite with my wife. Right at about 6 months I realized that I was better off living by myself and starting to enjoy it. Not long after that I came to realize that I didn't know anything about love, relationships, or women and decided to stay single for a couple years while I got sober and figured it out. After I had two years I starting dating and made a decision to keep it simple and not get too serious. It was one of the most enjoyable times of my life. For the first time I felt like an adult (at 31 yo) instead of a scared teenager. I followed my 1st sponsors suggestions about dating and paying attention to what the other person was doing and sorting out my likes and dislikes instead of trying to bond instantly to that person. I learned how to end relationships and most importantly I learned how to enjoy living alone.
IMO one should perfect the art of bachelorhood (or ettehood) before beginning to date anyone seriously. If you don't then your relationship will be based on Need. If I'm happy living alone, then I don't need another person in my life. That is independencey. When two emotionally independent people decide that they enjoy each others company then one won't have to support the other one emotionally. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. This is not likely going to happen in your first year of sobriety. Briman, I wish you all the best. Keep coming back!
Live in the moment. It sounds like your girlfriend has a good solid foundation in recovery.
I threw 4 years out the window over a relationship where he relapsed, and subsequently, so did I.
A relationship is best pursued when both parties are emotionally stable, focused on their own recovery, and can compliment each other in life.
__________________
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Doesnt matter when your ready, as it sounds like it's up to her. Wich sounds more attractive to you, a relationship now, or one when you both live in total trust, honesty, and happiness? If you really love her, work on getting yourself some true sobriety, how ever long that takes.
Are you willing to do anything for her? and... Are you willing to do any thing to stay sober... for yourself?
Welcome to the board, best of luck.
__________________
My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
