Way off topic from being even remotely related to AA... but I could use a bit of support, kind words, hugs...
It's been a long very rough night... I guess overall I'm ok, but I'm hurting so bad... I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I had to put my tom down... by myself. I've never hurt an animal in my life, definitely never killed an animal in my life... I know that's part of farming, but my birds are pets, I get very attached to them...
We saw 2 days ago that he had open wounds on him and was infested with maggots (I'm sorry, I know it's gross)... I'm guessing fly strike maybe? I don't know... bf put off helping me treat him, I was reading up on what to do, and finding out there was very little to no hope for him unless I had caught it right in the beginning, which I know I hadn't. His breathing was also bad, like he had fluid in his lungs, I was worried he was already getting internal damage... but bf never wants to cull them, lets them suffer, tries to make me believe there's some hope when I know logically there is none. We dusted him when we found him like that, which helped some, but I knew he needed to be washed, the wounds flushed out and everything, but I needed help with it, and bf was too busy to help (so he says)...
Finally got bf to help dip him, but it started pouring as soon as we got him dipped, so I went back out later to wash out the wounds, and he was in pain, something in the dip aggravated his wounds, he wouldn't let me raise his feathers on his back to check him out, and the wounds on his butt were very red and still had a few maggots... I couldn't let him suffer
I couldn't do it the "right" way, did the dry ice method... I'm so not cut out for farming... if I had a job on a poultry farm and asked if I could cull it with dry ice, they'd laugh at me... *sigh* I was so worried about making him suffer more though by not doing it right, so did it the most humane way I'd heard of... God it killed me... my cat heard me crying and came down to the barn to comfort me... these critters really can be a blessing... that cat's not quite as worthless as I thought he was lol
I've been up all night, too upset to sleep... I keep seeing it (not that there was much to see) and hearing him in my mind, I can only imagine how bad it'd be if I'd done it "the farmer way"... Spent a lot of time in prayer throughout the night... and thankfully a couple of close friends were online all night... I know this is part of farm life... it's something I'll have to get used to... but it still hurts a lot...
Sorry, I know this isn't one of my usual happy bird posts... I just had to get it out... I'm just hurting so bad... I feel like a murderer, although I know it had to be done... I'm gonna try to get some rest although I doubt I'll sleep... Thanks for listening y'all...
What you needed to do was so very hard as I know how much you care about your birds, and it's so easy to get attached to animals. But, it would have been cruel to leave the poor tom suffering and you couldn't have done that. You're too nice and kind a person to have done that.
Look after yourself, won't you?
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Oh Lisa, not silly at all. I know how rough it is. Both Ron and I have had to make these kind of decisions, and I know that once it is done, we have both had to sit down and have a cry. This year when Hazel, my fifteen yr old goat, had to be put down it wracked both of us for several days. And you have so much other stuff on your plate at this time, also. Be super gentle with yourself, and as Dean said, when you're awake enough, go to a meeting and gather up some strength. Love Wren
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thanks y'all... and Chris it's good to hear from you... I've been meaning to send you an email lately, just hadn't yet... you know us alkies are good at procrastination... lol
I haven't gotten any rest, although I know I need it... I'm worried about one of my hens now, that bf more than likely poisoned with his made up "remedies"... I can't get her washed off good from the dip (we dipped her too since we saw mites on her, I should've just dusted her)... she's been preening a lot (which means she's poisoning herself from the stuff on her feathers) and is lying around a lot and not eating much (she should be out bugging after all the rain we got), not walking right... I've seen her off by herself quite a bit this morning, when usually she's right with the others... God, I'm praying I don't have to go through this again with her... I think if it comes down to putting her down, bf oughta do it... grr...
I'm trying soooo hard to not build up resentments over this... the tom couldn't be helped, it was way too late when we found him like that... but I can't help being mad at bf for not helping me with him, and acting like it's no big deal, and basically just letting him suffer... also with realizing all the birds have mites... we have quite a few half bald chickens out there, the hens I chalked up to it being from roosters, but we have some roosters missing lots of feathers, and it's not just from fighting... bf said they "molt" every year.... I believed him, not knowing anything about it when he told me... didn't think anything else of it till all this came up and I saw mites on that one turkey hen... Then I started thinking... do chickens even molt??? I've never heard of it, something to ask on the poultry forums, but I'm fairly certain it's mites, and that they've had them quite awhile, if one has them, they all have them... I wouldn't have known since bf's chickens don't let me hold them and mess with them. but I'd noticed what looked like dandruff on some of mine, turns out it's likely white mites. And he doesn't want to help me dust them all, when I'm really gonna have to have help with it.
A good friend of mine thinks I need to go into veterinary school, not farming... that although it's hard to put down animals, I'd be helping so many animals... but I'm too squeamish for that, to deal with sick animals on a daily basis... which is why I leaned toward the hatchery idea and still want to go on with that... I'll lose some birds in it, I'll have to cull some... but I'll have babies hatching all the time which is the thing I love most about all this...
I did get to a meeting last night, since I had a good idea of what was going to happen, and I was so mad at bf yesterday, I was fuming when I went into town to get stuff I needed to tend to the birds... so made it to a meeting, it helped, I haven't been to enough meetings lately... if I get rested up today, I'll get to one tonight... I know there's no sense in worrying, but I probably won't get much rest as long as I'm worrying about that hen...
*sigh* Sorry for the long ramble... I am doing a little better, but still upset... but I'll be ok...
I don't know you at all. I don't know most of you on this message board however I am in Recovery and I have many years Sober. The otherr thing is I have had many, many animals in my life. I raised rabbits and sold them up until a few years back when the stress became overwhelming and I lost the one store that was selling them for me. Today I have 2 wonderful dogs that I maintain most of there cleaning and grooming however the vet technics are up to the vet.
When I under took rabbit raising I read everything I could about raising them as well as veternairy guides. I would imagine they have the same things for chicken, roosters, so on and how to take care of them. Any type of wild life needs certain types of care that I would be at a total lose on what to do. Reading on-line doing resaerch with other farmers have you tried that yet?
I have to go now headed to pick up a girlfriend for our Bible Study. If you don't mind I would like to pray for you and your situation.
Lord God, We come to you now with a Heart full of pain over the lose of one of Lisa's Turkey's. Lord you know how many birds there are in the sky. If one perishes Lord you know it! Father you know the frustration that Lisa is feeling over her lose. Please comfort her, give her strength, peace, and wisdom. Lord allow this chicken that she is tending to now be able to find it's way to better health. Father God you are the GREAT PHYSICIAN and you LOVE US all. Lisa is very SPECIAL and YOU LOVE HER. Pour out your loving kindness over her right now. Please in JESUS NAME. AMEN Isaiah 40:28-31
Thank you Pam... Yes, I go to poultry message boards and chat rooms and such, and get a lot of information on there... unfortunately I assumed since my bf has had poultry for 10+ years that he knew what he was doing (and I'm still relatively new to it and didn't know better) so I did what he said before seeing replies on a message board about it and finding out he was wrong... I guess we live and learn from experience, but it really sucks... This hen I'm worried about, I don't know if I'm overreacting, being a hypochondriac, or what... I'm doing all I can for her though, she doesn't seem to be getting really worse... except now she won't even come to me even when I wave shiny objects around, and that worries me... but I don't know if that's because she's sick, or if she's tired of me messing with her and checking her over...
I don't really know any other farmers here, our neighbor that gave me the tom really doesn't know anything at all about them... I have a friend in Lincoln who has a couple of chickens, she is helping me, passing ideas back and forth, and has offered to come help me with the birds if I need help, since bf won't help... wish I'd thought about calling her before... we mostly only know each other online, we met once, when I took some eggs to her to hatch for me recently... but she said she'll help me dust all the other birds if I need help, she'll probably come out if I wind up having to put this hen down too, which would be nice, although I hate for her to have to go through it too...
Anyway, enough rambling... I've been saying all day that I gotta get some rest... and I haven't laid down once... this time I mean it... I'm gettin in bed for a bit...
Thanks everyone for your replies... it means a lot to me... I've got a good family here on this message board...
Lisa, I couldn't get online for a period of time.....had something to do with "the other end". I've just read your post. Oh my, somehow this just amplified the news (and worries) that I recieved the other night. (Share this in a bit.) Yes, animals do become a part of us....very much so. I grrrrrr at my daughter's little Natty (dog) that she could not take with her to her new home. It is in the rent rules ... "no house pets". I could find her one night and went a bit bonkers. Across the road at my folks house. Whew! The point is it is very much like a relationship with a human. And when death comes........it is probably the hardest thing we face. It just takes time. You are still learning........ We can never know everything!!! We just do our very best and leave it to HP/God. No I don't think this is silly at all! It is part of life and NO ONE escapes it whether it is a beloved pet/animal or a human. Just know that there are many who care and are keeping you in thoughts and prayers. For my news...... My middle son came to see me the other night. God it was so nice to hear and see him in the flesh. This one......well he rarely comes around and that has hurt sooooo much knowing that he spends so much time at the bar with his dad. We live the same distance from where he lives so it makes no sense he seems never to make it here. Anyway, I have been praying and I am sincere when I say "praying" that whatever this "thing" is between us be removed. I love him soooooo much. I was so excited I can't even describe the feeling with words. My excitement was short lived.......he IS going to Iraq! I was very strong while he was here. I think I was so addled by his news that I became literally numb. He assured me he was assured a position in a green zone. There simply is no such thing as a safe place in war! I think it was about 4-6mos ago I'd heard they were sending a big portion of units from his base. It was the longest 2 days until he finally called and said "no that was my old unit". I was soooooo thankful. Now........ I am back to the original. So yes I do understand very very much! I can do nothing to stop this EXCEPT pray and share. May God give us both strength!!!!! Wanda
Oh what a day! Everyone have enough rest. When I wrote to Lisa earlier and prayed for her many things had transpired in my life as well.
Lisa, You are a very intelligent young woman that is seeking guidance and support. Look for the winners. Stay away from slippery people, places and things. Your chickens are you using "SEVIN" to dust them for mite? That is what I used on the rabbits as well as my dogs for fleas. It is of course great for our lawn fleas fleas or bugs. You are in my prayers
Phil, I am saddened that you lost your two rabbits. I am no stranger to death with animals the last 12 years I have seen many of my rabbits die. Or be put down from pasturilla. Heat is one thing that bunnies have tremendous difficulty with. Most rabbits aren't given enough water, food, and a clean cage. Not to say this was your case. My last rabbit died 2 weeks ago. He was 8 years old, lop eared and as tame as they come. He haad the run of our yard with Redwoods and a lawn. He was very happy to live outside in the summertime.
Everyone, I have to TRUST GOD with my Prodigal Son he is a little younger than Lisa. That he has a better plan. That as long as my child is covered in PRAYER, and we stand by him with our LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING, PATIENCE, and SUPPORT. Whatever he has to go through he will make it because he has the strength to do so. Praying for all of you. H.A.L.T works in this Recovered Alcoholics life. Don't get to Hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Go to meetings, read, help others, and pray, praise, meditate. I have BLessings from other brothers and sisters that pray for me and my family. I have friends in Recovery that I can relate to and encourage or they can encourage me.
Wanda, I am praying for you and your Son as he goes off to Iraq. It is going to take a Mothers strength that only you can have to see him through. Your prayers are POWERFUL and GOD hears them all. Please remember that! HE LOVES YOUR SON MORE THAN YOU DO. He will watch over him. Sending his Angelic Hosts to sheild and protect him. I will keep him in my prayers along with you.
I am certainly glad I have a SAVIOR. Bible Study today was awesome we are studying THe Battlefield of the Mind. By Joyce Meyers. It is a very good book and workbook. Well time to go. I need to make dinner for my husband he is coming home from work soon. Ta Ta
It seems tough, but look at it like this. What a tremendous gift it is to be sober enough and spiritual enough to recognize suffering. And to be the one choosen to aleviate that suffering. Youve been given the gift of courage Lisa.... and you accepted the gift and used it with compassion. Every thing is as it should be. You should be proud. Imagine in your earlier days... you might have been in the middle of a week long drunk, and the poor animal might have suffered right to the end and finally passed away while you were worrying about your next drink... but not now. Not the New Lisa... Your Higher Power is giving you these responsibilities because your ready for them. Believe me, if He didnt trust you with His creations, He'd take them all away. Keep doing the right things, and the right things will keep happening. Id suggest mabye calling a local farm supply and a vet... and see what can be done about a mite infestation ... Im sure poultry farms have to deal with stuff like that all the time. Good luck. :)
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
You're getting some wonderful advise here from everyone. I know when we had the farm, we had about 60 meat rabbits, I had 20 Jersey Woolies for show, maybe 15 assorted chickens for laying, and then my herd of twenty five goat does and 5 bucks for breeding. We were liberal with diatomaceous earth. The only time I had to get real aggressive was with an older buck and we hit him with probious, propalyne glycol and injected him with Ivomec. I hand fed that 400# buck for days and days, and poured the glycol down him. By the following spring he was up and breeding. I like the earth because it is non invasive. At least it killed the mites and ick that are active in this region.
I know that there are vet asst. classes you can take online, and I'm certain with some research you can find more on agriculture and animal husbandry, farming practices, etc. Then I'd bet you'd feel more secure in your decision making regarding your own animals, and not feel dependant on someone elses' word yknow? Lord knows, you're smart enough to ace classes like that. You are such a bright and loving woman. I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You sell yourself short.
Being alone scared me to death once. I'd been married since I was 16, engaged to him since 14. Once I left, got on my own for real, and found out who I was? I was shocked to learn how much I liked my own company. As bright as you are, youre gonna love yours.
We all care so much for you, but we all know we can only stand aside and let you learn on the terms that you chose. You've been learning alot lately, and you've stayed sober to boot. I can't be there, so hug yourself for me. Love, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Yes, you're right Phil... realizing I'll have to let go of the animals... well, I still won't part with my dog, and hopefully won't have to part with my kitten... but the main thing is my dog, and that's not because of *me*, that's because it would kill my dog (no one understand that unless they've seen how she is, but it'd kill her literally, not exagerating)... But the birds, yes, I'm gonna have to let them go... and there will be other birds down the road... I'm very attached to some of them, but if I have to leave them then I will.
Looking for love in all the wrong places? Yes, I'm seeing that now... you know, when I left before, for that week, I was excited about it, but stubborn me had to give it one more chance... this deal with the turkey was the last straw though, I can't be with someone that would knowingly let an innocent animal suffer like that, he was going to let it just die on its own, and it would've been a horrible way for the tom to go... to me that's worse than him cheating on me, or even if he was actually abusing me... to abuse an animal is so much worse (in my eyes). I'm ready to be single actually... ready to get away from him, now that I'm seeing his true colors... and not about to go looking for someone new, I don't need that right now....
Trying to just let things happen... I have some options, having relatives around down south ask around for me for farm work, yes, sticking to the idea of farm work for the fact that I honestly don't know if I can handle a "normal" job, I haven't held a real job since high school, and I don't feel I'm quite ready to try again yet... and close friends agree on that one... at least I know I can do farm work, just this tougher side of it... it'll take some time to get used to it...
It's been a long night/day, no I still haven't gotten any sleep, will be headed to bed soon... I know I gotta let go of it all, it's just hard to let go of what happened last night this soon, but I'll get there... it was just a tough thing to deal with and it still hurts... I was finally "ok", till bf got home tonight and crap hit the fan, since he says I'm overreacting about it all... got that "shot nerves" feeling again... he finally left me alone and I'm calming down again... ready to crawl into bed soon I think.
I'm sorry about your rabbit Phil... yes, it does hurt, and it doesn't matter how long you've had them either, you get attached to pets so quickly... this tom I didn't have long at all, I actually hadn't even thought of a name yet for him, but I was attached to him... he was the sweetest one of the 3 (yes, a turkey can be sweet lol)... My 2 turkey hens are a pain in the butt... when I thought they were toms, they were named "Pecker 1 & 2" for a reason lol But I love them to death... That tom was the nicest one though, never pecked, didn't get under my feet, let me pet him as much as I wanted... still nothing like Booger, the other tom I lost recently though, that one really was a pet...
Thanks Wanda, you and your son will be in my prayers... I hate war, I hate the thought of people going over seas for all this war and fighting... but I guess it's necessary? I dunno... I do support the people who go over there to defend us, but... wish so badly we could just live without all this war and terrorism and pain and violence and death... y'all will be in my thoughts and prayers...
Thanks Pam... yes, using sevin, it did help some with the tom at first, but it was just too late for him... I got some spray for the birds, to take care of flies, mites, fleas, lice, etc... I had bought it to keep the flies off the tom, before I realized I would have to put him down... I can't remember what it's called, but they told me at the store that it works good, I think I'll use it on the birds, and will use the sevin in and around the barn.
Miller... wow... thank you so much for putting it like that... that really hit me... a very good way to look at it... it still hurts, but... you're very right in what you said... made me think back to when I got my dog, before I got sober, she was 7 weeks old when I got her.. I went in a bad depression shortly after, and then on a binge, and she suffered from it. Poor thing did not get housetrained well at all until I moved here, although I was sober the last few months before moving here, but between me being too drunk or hungover to take her outside in the beginning, and not training her well, and with my ex abusing her... poor thing had no idea what she was supposed to do. She's my little ala-dog, as my first sponsor called her, that may be part of her strong attachment to me and abandonment issues actually... You are so right... that if I was still drinking, I wouldn't have thought twice about my tom, or any of the other critters here... and he would've died the horrible death that bf was willing to let him go through... Thanks so much for throwing this point of view in here... that really helped a lot...
Chris, thanks sweetie... you always have a way of lifting me up a bit... vet asst classes is a good idea, I'll look into that... I really do generally get great advice on the message boards, from people who may not be experts, but have dealt with the same things with their birds, and thankfully got the dry ice method of putting an animal down from one of those message boards... I know I couldn't have done it any other way, that was bad enough. But yes, it would be nice to take classes and learn more about it... part of the problem I had with the tom, although it'd been too late when we first found him like that, I was having to wait on replies on the message boards, and not able to act quickly enough, that's the downside to using forums for the emergencies that come up. If I'd had quicker replies in this situation, I'd have put him down right away, that possibly would've made it a slight bit easier on me as well as him... there's something about tending to a sick/hurt animal... you get so much more attached while you're caring for them. When I first went to college (flunked out 2 semesters straight out of high school...) my initial plan was actually to be a vet tech... but then worked at a vet clinic for um, half a day, lol and changed my mind... really, I could probably handle it now, after all this, but then, I just wasn't ready.
Ya know, being alone doesn't really scare me so much now... but I guess I had to give this a second chance, and actually am glad I did, so I could see bf's true colors... seeing how he handled (or didn't handle) this with the animals... told me a lot about him... and it's good that I saw that... also if I'd left and not come back... all these critters would continue suffering without being treated... because he wouldn't do it.
Miller, I think we can handle taking care of the mites ourselves with the sevin and this spray I got, I hope so anyway. But if that doesn't take care of it, yes, I will contact someone to take care of it... I don't know quite how bad it is, but know that likely if one has mites, they all do, and am so sure those half bald roosters out there have mites, now that I have read up on molting (and yes, chickens do molt lol) and on mites and parasites... Ya learn something new every day I guess... especially here on the farm... lol
