I dunno what's going on with me... Noticing some of my character defects/personality flaws/immaturity/whatever you wanna call it... Noticing how probably some people are right, that I'm not ready for any kind of committed relationship... or maybe I just haven't found the right person... I dunno... Realizing some insanity in me as far as relationships go... doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results... I guess I keep thinking if it's with a different man, then it's not really doing the same thing over and over lol I guess thinking that the next man is going to be Mr. Right...
Ya know, really, I'm ok... not wanting to drink or anything, that's the furthest thing from my mind... and I wouldn't even really say I'm *depressed*... just... discontent I guess.
A friend told me that my "picker" is broken, to stay out of relationships... but stubborn alcoholic me, I don't listen (do any of us?) lol Another friend told me to live in the here and now, stay in today... And I try to, and try to just take it a day at a time... but I also tend to live in a dream world half the time, which probably isn't such a good thing... makes me even less content with where I am today...
I love the farm and I don't want to leave... what's sad though, I love being here *for the farm and animals* more than being here *for my boyfriend*... which I know isn't right...
*sigh* I dunno... Guess I just need to pray, meditate, work the steps, get to meetings... use the tools... trust in my higher power... and things will work out one way or another...
Little update on me besides my whining lol... I've been around, just been horribly busy lately... I lost Booger - my favorite turkey, lost my hurt/sick guinea... lost one of our best hens, she got in the dog kennel and bf's dog tore her up... got a new tom that is so precious and tame have a dozen guinea eggs in my new incubator, and a dozen turken/silkie cross (showgirl) chicken eggs in my friend's incubator along with her light brahmas and blue orpingtons... One of my little roosters crowed for the first time today! He's the first of all of them, even the ones that were hatched 2 months before him! We got rid of all the kittens except one, Patches, that I'm keeping... Hm... what else? Went to Cornhusker Roundup in Omaha over the weekend, heard a really really good speaker and was supposed to meet an online friend there but that didn't work out... ran into some friends from meetings though And, in 4 days I will have 4 months sober! And in a month I turn 24... And I start school in just over a month
Yes, there are tons of good things going on in my life... And I need to focus on those things... make a little gratitude list... and stop complicating things... "Simplify your life,dont complicate it", as my friend told me.
Sorry, enough rambling... I'll shut up for now...
Love and hugs to all...
Lisa
Patches
Guido and Bugsy (my guinea boys)
My new tom, who isn't named yet...
Our newest hatch... she's got about 10 more eggs in her nest too :)
Aiden, my little boy that crowed today :) behind him is a polish hen, then Quinn - one of my favorites, not sure if it's a roo or a hen though... then a polish rooster.
Callie, my dog... Does she look scary? bf says she looks scary in this pic, like a guard dog lol
Well you are doing very well for a 24 year old that has 4 months Sobriety, and all those adorable animals. It looks to me like God has you right where your supposed to be for today.
Can I share a little story with you about men. WHen I drank and used for 28 years. I used to always pick the loosers, they could be rich, famous, poor, crazy, addicts, drunks, straight or twisted. They all however had the same thing in common not one of them LOVED GOD to my knowledge.
In TRUTH it was through A.A. and prayer,praise and worship that GOD put the best man I have ever known in my life. Today is our Anniversary it has been 12 years that we have been together through thick and thin.
You have many things going for you especially SOBRIETY so with that I will lift up my hands to the FATHER and PRAY that he will grant your request and put a wonderful God fearing, Clean, Sober, fun, animal loving, great guy into your life when it's time.
To all of our RECOVERING friends out there in E-Space, please remain Happy joyous and Free always in SOBRIETY. Pam
Quote...."The spiritual affect of alcohol addiction are; Dysthymia or mild chronic depressed, restless, irritable and discontent (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1976 p Page xxviii), self-centered, insecure, self-pitying, resentful, fearful and feeling useless."
To add to that quote...."12 Steps"
We hafta learn to live and have a relationship with ourselves first...I could never understand that one...I always looked outside of myself for happiness, security and contentment...and was always running away from "ME"
I wrapped myself up in hobby farming...and work....and trying to help and love others...in AA.....
But it all caught up to moi eventually...and I had to finally.....take a look..and do what was suggested...I could only bullshit myself, for so long...
Im not going to share...how long that took...but I WILL share..that it was a lot of days...
Ive been a good friend of this Lisa gal....for quite a while..on this board...
And what Ive just shared? I say with love...
Onward!!
__________________
"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
Well, I'm looking again at classifieds, for a place to live... but... I don't want to part with the critters... still hoping to find a farm that I can at least take my few favorites with me, and continue hatching if possible... maybe have a chance to start my small breeding business wherever I go... I dunno. But... not letting it be such an impulsive rash decision this time, gonna think it through... my divorce will be final on Sept 5th, I'll have money coming to me from my ex, not much, but enough to help me move and get started somewhere maybe... I'm curious as to how much voc rehab might help me with getting started somewhere... I need to call them anyway about school... But, gonna take my time with things anyway and not rush into something I can't handle like I tried to do a few weeks ago...
Phil, you said it... yes, I've been bullshitting myself for awhile now... defending my bf in so many ways, (and defending myself and pretending I knew what I was doing)... trying to fool myself that things were great... ya know, things were good when I first came back after being gone a week, then it's all back to the same old crap... I feel like I'm "settling" so that I can be in the place I love most, with the critters I love... but... seeing more and more lately how controlling and nagging he is... and it's getting on my last nerve... I can't do this. I'll be fine here for awhile... but as a friend said, it won't last. I gotta get out on my own somehow. I'll figure it out... God's gonna put me in the right place... And I do really believe that. You know, it turned out to be good that I didn't move into that house I'd found... I found out that area is called "Little Vietnam" lol wouldn't have been safe at all. But... I can't stay here indefinitely either... lately it's wearing thin on my serenity... and I can't have that.
Just gonna pray and trust in my HP and look around at classifieds and ask around and see what I find... Found a poultry farm down in Mississippi that pays decent and provides housing... I could go back to being a southerner... there's a good Ag school down there too lol Actually, and maybe it's not the best idea, but I'm not letting myself stay limited to this location either... I'm doing internet courses for school first semester, so that wouldn't hinder me and I could transfer the next semester if I wind up too far away... I don't have a lot of ties here... people that I thought were pretty good friends, well, turned out they weren't... no, not gonna be a geographical cure thing, not looking to move away even... but... not limiting myself either... gonna see where my higher power takes me...
Sad news today... my new tom I got just recently, I'm about to lose him... bf noticed something wrong with him today, and we started checking him over, he's got open sores and maggots on him... we dusted him with Sevin real good, but he won't make it, bf thinks he'll be dead by tonight Checked over my turkey hens, they seem ok, but dusted them also.... gotta boil some tobacco and spray the barn and the other birds... I gotta let my neighbor know to check his turkeys over, because this is the tom I got from him and the tom probably had this when I got him, or had it starting... *sigh*
Today was a very difficult day when it first started off. Even with prayer, meditating, devotionals, and others praying for me, including my husband and I joinig in our daily prayer together. Nothing stings worse in my HEART than when my only SON in in trouble.
I know that he is GODS, I know that GOD has a plan, I know that I have no control over that plan. But it is still difficulty to watch my now 21 year old face the system for the 8th year. Now he is facing a jury trial with 2 felonies from accidentally hitting his girlfriends nose. No, I wasn't in the car, or their to see it. However she has testified later he did it by accident. After she repoorted it and said he did it at the hospital. When they had both been drinking.
Problem with all this is the money is gone a shister lawyer his father hired this last year bled out the system potponing his case, then screamed at the judge got it kicked back to the original place that it happened and the case starts over.
I am relying on God, I went to a Womans meeting tonight and it was awesome. SOme gal there at the meeting made me feel pretty good about my SOn being here still. Felonies and all, hers died last year at 29. So I am feeling Blessed that I still have "HOPE" that this nightmare can and will turn around.
WHen I am restless, irritable, and discontent. I PRAY first. Then I'm on the way to go straight to a meeting to talk to another alcoholic sharing our Experience, Strength and Hope.
I dunno what's going on with me... Noticing some of my character defects/personality flaws/immaturity/whatever you wanna call it... Noticing how probably some people are right, that I'm not ready for any kind of committed relationship... or maybe I just haven't found the right person... I dunno... Realizing some insanity in me as far as relationships go... doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results... I guess I keep thinking if it's with a different man, then it's not really doing the same thing over and over lol I guess thinking that the next man is going to be Mr. Right...
Hi Lisa, Maybe I've been sober too long. Is it not still recommended that newcomers stay out of relationships for at least a year? Relationships, IMO, are the number 1 cause of people relapsing, even those with 10 years or more in fact moreso. It's not even a good idea to work on your own relationship issues in the first year and sadly this program is not best for working on them, it's about getting and staying sober which is a huge task. Preventing oneself from switching addictions (or obsessions) is a concern also.
I was told many times in my first year not to make any "big changes" such as moving, switching jobs, big purchases..... All those things are stressful and the stress is cumulitive. Your disease wants you to get stressed out, so that you will drink over it. That's part of the "cunning, baffling, and powerful" the book talks about. Newcomers are going to be Restless, irritable, discontent, bored, angry, nervous, scared, depressed (and 100 of other emotions up and down) but we need to be still and deal with it. Jumping from relationship to relationship is Not dealing with it. Moving in with people that you've only dated for a short while is not sober behavior either. living on you own or with some other sucessfully recovering people of the same sex is.
It's not unusual for newcomers to want to change everything today! It's also not unusual for them to leave the program. 95% of them do and very few return. Your young sobriety is like those young birds you are caring for, without proper treatment, nourishment, and shelter they aren't going to make it, and a lot of them won't make it anyway. That's why it's so important to do Everything you can to insure your sobriety. This is not the time to be thinking "It won't happen to me". The next time you're in a beginers meeting with 50 people, look around because 47 of them are not going to make it (to 5 years sober). Are you one of the 3 that will?
A typical new comer will want to move, get a new job, new car, new GF/BF, get married, join a gym, go back to school.... first thing that happens? No time to take care of thier sobriety. Anything that you put in front of your sobriety you will lose, because When your sobriety goes everything else goes with it. If you are going to meetings every day, making the best use of the fellowship and all that goes with that, and taking care of yourself there shouldn't be a lot of time left to be pondering restless, irritable, and discontent....... Hang in there, we all went thru it and it gets better the longer you stay sober.
Hi Lisa, Maybe I've been sober too long. Is it not still recommended that newcomers stay out of relationships for at least a year? Relationships, IMO, are the number 1 cause of people relapsing, even those with 10 years or more in fact moreso. It's not even a good idea to work on your own relationship issues in the first year and sadly this program is not best for working on them, it's about getting and staying sober which is a huge task. Preventing oneself from switching addictions (or obsessions) is a concern also.
I was told many times in my first year not to make any "big changes" such as moving, switching jobs, big purchases..... All those things are stressful and the stress is cumulitive. Your disease wants you to get stressed out, so that you will drink over it. That's part of the "cunning, baffling, and powerful" the book talks about. Newcomers are going to be Restless, irritable, discontent, bored, angry, nervous, scared, depressed (and 100 of other emotions up and down) but we need to be still and deal with it. Jumping from relationship to relationship is Not dealing with it. Moving in with people that you've only dated for a short while is not sober behavior either. living on you own or with some other sucessfully recovering people of the same sex is.
It's not unusual for newcomers to want to change everything today! It's also not unusual for them to leave the program. 95% of them do and very few return. Your young sobriety is like those young birds you are caring for, without proper treatment, nourishment, and shelter they aren't going to make it, and a lot of them won't make it anyway. That's why it's so important to do Everything you can to insure your sobriety. This is not the time to be thinking "It won't happen to me". The next time you're in a beginers meeting with 50 people, look around because 47 of them are not going to make it (to 5 years sober). Are you one of the 3 that will?
A typical new comer will want to move, get a new job, new car, new GF/BF, get married, join a gym, go back to school.... first thing that happens? No time to take care of thier sobriety. Anything that you put in front of your sobriety you will lose, because When your sobriety goes everything else goes with it. If you are going to meetings every day, making the best use of the fellowship and all that goes with that, and taking care of yourself there shouldn't be a lot of time left to be pondering restless, irritable, and discontent....... Hang in there, we all went thru it and it gets better the longer you stay sober.
Yes, it's still recommended to not get in relationships the first year... I didn't listen. Also didn't listen to the "no big changes" suggestion, although I believe what I did was a good thing overall... I left my husband at 4 months sober, moved here to Nebraska at 5 months sober to live with a friend, who became my bf... maybe not the wisest decisions, but it has been good... I couldn't have stayed sober staying with my exhusband... although yes, I did relapse here, at 8 months sober, it was due to me not working the program and getting complacent, and getting on a pity party... my own fault. Also, without this experience of living on the farm and raising the birds, I wouldn't have known what I want to do in life... and now that I'm looking at finding a job and place of my own involving farm work, I'm finding some really awesome opportunities that may not be feasable just yet, but are things to work towards in the future...
I don't currently have a sponsor (they "fired" me when I left bf for a week then came back to him)... so have been talking to a couple of close friends that know me pretty well... one asked at first if it'd be such a wise decision to move away again, well, I figure I have no ties here where I'm at really, and it might be nice if God leads me back closer to my family... I'm not *looking* to move away, but if my HP leads me away from here, then that will be alright. I'm not necessarily looking to make a "big change" right now, but I need to do something to get away from my bf, and to make a life of my own, not depending on a man to support me or take care of me. I'm losing what serenity I had, my nerves are shot all the time lately, he interferes with me getting to meetings and working the steps... yes, part of that's my fault, letting him interfere, but it's like I can't do anything at all for myself as long as I'm here.
Drinking is the furthest thing from my mind, yet at the same time I know I'm only one drink away from getting drunk. I'm praying a lot, and asking my HP for strength, acceptance, courage, wisdom... and asking Him to lead me to wherever I should be. I'm trying to stay optimistic, look at this as an opportunity, it has definitely been a learning experience to say the least... And I'm looking at what I need to be grateful for... you know, if I'd had kids with my exhusband, I'd be tied down right now, I couldn't just move like I did, I couldn't have this whole farm experience like I've had, and I couldn't just say "God lead me to wherever I need to be" cuz little kids would hinder me in that... My only real hindrance in it, is not wanting to part with my dog or kitten, and preferably not part with some of my birds... which may limit where I can go... But, we'll see what happens...
Lisa, I also started out my sobriety with a divorce. Well actually I was going to meetings steadily for two years previous to getting separated with not a lot of success. So my previous comments were mostly from my own experience and I was just hard headed enough to kept trying to get sober. Luckily my sponsor suggested that I get a divorce which frankly pissed me off at the time and I scolded him for saying it, but he was right. Unlike you I did have a two year old son and I didn't want him to grow up with a drunk for a dad like I did. He is 20 now and in college and doesn't remember me drinking, for that I am grateful.
You've made a great decision to get sober and at your age of 24 (I was 29) you'll have a tremendous life ahead of you that will surpass your greatest expectations, if you stay sober. Most people don't drag into AA until they are in at least their 40's (average). If you ask some oldtimers if they could add 15 to 20 years of sobriety to the front end of their life.....It's hard to say what they would be willing to give for that.
If you would just take the next 18 months (you've got 6 months now right?) and focus everything you've got on getting sober. Make all of your decisions based on "Does this get me closer to my goal of 2 years sober, or further away....". And try and do everything you hear that sober people did to get sober: 90 in 90, sponsor, regular step meetings, make coffee, participate in the fellowship (hang out with winners) whatever it takes, I guaranty that you'll make it, and you'll experience all those promises after the 9th step in the big book. You'll wake up one day and wonder just how long it's been since you felt restless, irritable, and discontent.
I try to never give relationship advice... but Ill say this about it. A relationship between two folks who care about one another is a spiritual thing. 100 %. It makes sense that since our disease is mainly of a spiritual nature... well ... how can we hope to have fulfilling relationships? Once we learn to live and be happy on a spiritual basis, then we can once again begin to experiance the true beauty of a spiritual experiance that involves another human being. Every one learns and grows at a different pace, so there is no universal time of sobriety that dictates we can have relationships. But almost no real alcoholic ever becomes that spiritualy fit in the space of one year. As for feeling restless irritable and discontent... I've been sober two and a half years, and I still have times I feel that way. And I can stay that way exactly as long as I want to. I've learned that it's not a good thing. It stops me from being usefull and helpfull to others. And being usefull... knowing that I truly HAVE a purpose here on earth... thats what keeps me sober anyway. So when those times come, as they will, I immediatly think of something to do for someone else. To quit thinking about myself. I call someone in the program and ask how THEY are today. If they need anything. Or I call a new commer and ask if they need a ride to a meeting. If I cant think of anything else, I might even go take some food to the local food bank. ANYTHING to quit thinking about my own circumstances. It ALWAYS works for me... and the program promises that it will work.
__________________
My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
I'm also not big on giving relationship advice, not just because I'm not perfect at it, but also because I'm never walking in the shoes of the other person. When I first got sober, everyone was saying that I shouldn't get in a relationship for a year. My sponsor - bless her heart - suggested in stead that I wait to get in a relationship until I finish my 4th and 5th steps. What wisdom! I was young and a year for me was like 10 for a 30-year-old. But you can believe I started writing fast!
I have been told some other wonderful things about relationships: that I need so much more than one person could possibly give, and that it is the fellowship of AA that I crave (from the big book). I wasn't told so much what to do or what not to do, and I was even discouraged from beating myself up all the time (that is, after I had inventoried everything). Mostly I was told that I need AA and the people there. I was also told to read and re-read and re-read the part about the sex inventory in the big book. Like Miller2 said, it says that when things get bad to get out of ourselves by helping another. I'm glad that you shared your situation, because I need to be reminded of what I am writing right now.
I am in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man, and I found myself silently crying last night out of frustration about nothing. I was upset that he wanted to hook up the a new satellite dish - I have no idea why. I'm embarrassed about it because I know I was just feeling over-the-top for no reason. I'm sure a lot of it is hormonal (I'm 5 months pregnant now). That's me with years sobriety - at four months I was over-the-top all the time, and not just with hormones. So I'm glad that I was told that the rest of my "life stuff" wasn't all that big of a deal so long as I was doing AA to the fullest. I've screwed up a lot in life decisions, but in all reality I've rebounded well from all of it over and over again because I've ALWAYS put AA first. I hope that gives you some hope.
How do you keep your dog from eating your chickens?
If I was a dog and they're were juicy chickens walking around they would be history :)
-- Edited by Tipsy McStagger at 16:07, 2007-08-24
lol, my dog isn't a problem with the chickens at all... she has no killer instinct, wouldn't hurt a fly. I have caught her a couple of times trying to play with them though, and she plays rough... had one pinned down just like she does the cat, but didn't hurt it, and I caught her and she learned quickly she's not supposed to. My pet turkey I had that stayed up near the house, she got his neck once, trying to play, but she didn't hurt him, and she wound up scared of him cuz he'd sneak up behind her and peck her tail, then she'd turn around and he'd peck her on the nose lol boyfriend's dog on the otherhand, stays locked up almost all the time unless we're able to keep a close eye on her, she's killed many chickens here, and one of my turkeys.
got a new tom that is so precious and tame 
have a dozen guinea eggs in my new incubator, and a dozen turken/silkie cross (showgirl) chicken eggs in my friend's incubator along with her light brahmas and blue orpingtons... 
One of my little roosters crowed for the first time today! He's the first of all of them, even the ones that were hatched 2 months before him! We got rid of all the kittens except one, Patches, that I'm keeping... Hm... what else? Went to Cornhusker Roundup in Omaha over the weekend, heard a really really good speaker and was supposed to meet an online friend there but that didn't work out... ran into some friends from meetings though 
