I am having a very anxious day, for a bunch of little reasons. First, my in-laws, who don't live in the U.S. and only speak Spanish (which I can speak to some degree, but not completely comfortably) are here and hanging out at my apartment. When they are there, they sit and talk to my wife in Spanish and drink wine. That is an easy choice for me - I will seek out as many meetings as it takes to avoid that scene (though alcohol is always in the apartment and does not bother me, I can't take the in-laws, a foreign language, and everyone drunk but me while newly sober). I don't care what the in-laws think of me.
Also, I have my upcoming trip to an all-inclusive in Jamaica to celebrate my fifth wedding anniversary coming up. I booked this back in the days when I was an active alcoholic, and every day that I do not drink there will be a big deal, and I know it. Part of me really wants to, while part of me really wants to remember that my heart rate was actually elevated during the times when I was doing my weekend binges, and would remain high even during the week. For an otherwise-healthy 30-year-old who eats healthy and exercises regularly, it must have been the alcohol. Not helping is the fact that when I went to Jamaica a year and a half ago, I drank only in moderation. Although I may be capable of doing so again, I would feel tremendous guilt at having to start my day count all over again. My therapist seems to think that I have placed a guilt on myself that has made my problem worse than it was, and that if I am capable of five days of moderation, I will not hurt myself to start over, other than the self-inflicted guilt trip. Obviously, I feel conflicted about that.
Finally, to top it off, I spoke to my parents today, who commented that it seemed to them that all of my vacations were to places where alcohol was prominent (though I did in fact take others to less exciting places that I did not tell them about, for fear of raising the issue of why I don't visit, when in truth, I would rather have gone other places, plain and simple).
In other words, a lot is in my mind right now. I don't know that there is any advice out there for me. Everything needs to go a day at a time, and today I can say for sure that I will not pick up, so my sponsor tells me to take today's victory today and cool it with the other thoughts, keeping in mind my positive for today. Easier said than done, though. My sponsor also says that I am too smart for my own good, and will out-think myself not necessarily to drunkeness, but to insanity of another sort. I think I'm on my way, if you couldn't tell by reading this.
Congrats on 19 days John! I was a wreck that early in...
I have no greta sage advice to pass on, except to say that I do not think much of a therapist who recommends experimentation with moderation. I've experimented enough to know where that leads and hope never to try it again.
Regarding venues that serve alcohol. It seemed to me, early on, that everyplace and anyplace was such a venue, to a recovering alcoholic. We have a nose for such things and can spot a drink anywhere. I tend to avoid known slippery slopes, myself (places where I have drinking memories), but will never succeed in missing alcohol completely because its so prevalent in our society.
When faced with such challenges, I shore up my program - plenty of meetings, take along plenty of reading, and phone numbers.
If you can make it through these frequent early challenges, it DOES get better, and is SO worth it!
Made it through yesterday, even called the therapist again and explained a little better, and was told that it is (a) important for me to go on this trip, and not to surrender my life and (b) that it is imperative that I don't drink while there, as it became clear that I have no idea how to separate vacation fun from drunkeness, and I need to learn, whether I stay in the program or not.
We are, however, operating under the assumption that I am staying in.
