Since coming back into recovery, Iv been having a hard time putting down the big stick Ive been beating myself with for picking up where I had left off 13 years ago. Last night, I was REALLY down on myself and thinking what a looser I was for what I had done. All that self-pity we read about in the Big Book was kicking my butt. To be honest, For a moment, I thought"Just forget about getting your life back together and go get drunk". Thankfuly, as soon as I thought it , I realized that is was the commity up in my crazy head telling me all those lies. After the meeting, I talked to my sponser. He said Ron, if you want to get out of that thinking, You need to pick up a sponsee. I said "Tom, Im only 6 1/2 weeks sober, I cant do that". He said,"Oh??? well just tell me, how long was Bill sober when he hooked up wit Dr.Bob??? I dissmissed the thought and came home still depressed and down. Lying in bed , I talked to the Boss and told him, I know that the only way Im ever going to get out of this rut and feeling the way I do is with your help and time, but PLEASE...take away some of my depression. I called a buddy today and was telling him how I was feeling. I said," I need to find a person that has been where Im at to help me figure out where I stand and how to get out of it. I mean , on on side Im a so called old timer because I havent forgot what I learned in those 13 years, and yet Im a new comer because I only have weeks ". He said, I know just the guy. He gave me his number and I called him. He said he was sober 10 years and went back out, then came back in, so he knows just what going on in my mind. Said he would be more than happy to help me work through those feelings as he did". So, Im thinking GREAT !! Thats what I need ! Then I hauled my skinny ass to a meeting tonight(after getting a new tattoo that took 2 LOOOOONG hours), (looks cool though)! Anyway after the meeting not one...but two people asked me to be their sponser. Im thinking....what the F_ _k...??? Are they nut's ??? Then I remembered what I prayed for last night. I told them, "I'll tell ya what, we will give it a try under one thing...I will try to help you if you will try to help me, BUT, I WILL NOT call you sponsee's. Insted, I pefer to call you messengers because that just what I plan on doing and expect you to do the same...carry the message. Deal done. I guess Im gonna have to pull out that dang old book and start doing a refresher coarse so that I can pass on what was passed on to me over the years. By the way , one of em was my Bud Mike, the other is a guy in his mid 60's. 30 years of age differance. Well, I guess God decided to do not 1 , but 2 miracles. GOD...he be Da Main Man ! By working with others, how will I find time to feel my pitty ??
Ron, What a double blessing!!! Da Main Man mustv'e sent you them for a reason and you to them.Throughout my own struggle in coping with AH, I have been amazed at how some of my prayers have been answered......seems like just when I need and what I need is sent from above. Ain't it grand! Mike is still going with you, huh? That is wonderful as well. Sometimes the thing/person we need most is right under our nose (or next door). As for the depression, I tend to believe, that's God's little way of "jerking our rears" to get His attention. You know..... we get a little cocky in our humaness and try doing things OUR way, then along comes one of those thorns or the whole blessed bush of them and we go "OUCH!!! What the hey? This hurts like HELL!" It may very well be that Hell that jogs our little minds and sets us to thinking. And then......it's like "Okay, okay, okay. I'm listening......." LOL I think if my calculations are correct.....its 5 weeks for you. You're doing it. The best to you each day.......one day at a time. Wanda
I'd like to share something with you that I was told after I relapsed.
I had thrown 4 years out the window, and had been back in recovery about 2 years and was STILL beating myself with the big stick. An oldtimer sitting next to me at a meeting turned to me and said 'You know, God's forgiven you or you wouldn't be sitting here. Do you think you're better than God? Put the big stick down or drink again'.
That was a light bulb moment for me.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
