Hello to everyone.

My name is John.  I am an attorney in New York City.  As of Sunday, I am a recovering alcoholic.

I don't know exactly how this is supposed to go, so I will tell my story.  I began drinking at 16, and am not sure when exactly things became out of control.  I always had, and still did have, even at the time of my moment of clarity, the ability to simply abstain from alcohol.  In fact, for several months, I have made a point of not drinking at all during the week in order to help stay in better shape.  I also closely monitor my diet (have a food-service delivery five days per week to make sure that I get all my recommended servings and calorie control to balance with my workout regimen - yes, I know, very pretentious, but it's New York City).

Anyway, at some point, possibly starting around Thanksgiving of last year, and most certainly in full swing by the time I cut out weekdays in May, the sober days were just a counter to when I would next drink.  The thought of drinking never dominated my thoughts during this time.  However, on Fridays, I would think nothing of stopping off on the way home to drop $50 in one shot on specialty, (usually) high-alcohol beer that my wife and I would go through usually by the end of Saturday, though I went through it faster, and would often be critical of her for not keeping up.

Over the weekend, I went to Phoenix for a short vacation.  My wife and I sat by the pool, and basically binge drank all day.  I blacked out upon returning to my hotel room, so I am not sure if I continued when I got there, but I remember at some point, my wife yelling at me to drink some caffeine, because she was not ready to go to sleep yet (although she recognized in retrospect that she was also quite intoxicated).  I was, as vaguely as I recall, barely coherent.  While my wife, who relented, was dragging me from the couch to the bed, I had an awakening of sorts, and came to the realization that although I do not do this every day, there is never a point anymore when I have had enough, and that there can be no rational mind that enjoys this.  I said, maybe not even realizing the severity of it at the time, "I am an alcoholic.  I can't ever do this."  This was dismissed as drunk talk, but I persisted, and from this point, my memory becomes clear, and my intent clear and pure as well.

At first, I was met by skepticism, but my wife acknowledged that if this was something that I felt I needed to do, she would support me, although she did not believe that I had a problem, and would still, on occasion, drink in moderation (but not the type of binges that she only undertook with me); this does not bother me.

The following day, and actually still, I am a bit overwhelmed.  Last night, I went to a baseball game, which is often a trigger, but did not feel tempted.  In fact, I found that I very much enjoyed my ability to focus on the nuances of the game.  I will admit, though, that I was somewhat disgusted at the culture of drunkeness and the crowd of boisterous, drunken people, now that I was conscious of not being a part of it.  I wonder - was part of me jealous?  Probably.

What is really overwhelming, though, is how many of my good times have had alcohol in them.  I have an apartment full of bottles of wine that were collected on two wonderful trips to California wineries - they were always my sentimental souvenirs, and I would not drink them even when bingeing, because they remind me of the beauty of the area, the relaxed attitude, and the fun times.  I object to letting my wife drink them even now, and also to getting rid of them.  Even if they are alcohol, they are a souvenir of a time in my life that was happy, and even if that is over, it is not wrong to remember the good, even while I face the bad.  There will be no more weekend trips to Bourbon Street, though, nor another New Year's like the opulent one I had in Paris this past January.  I am booked for Sandals for my fifth wedding anniversary in August, and though I know I will not drink, I feel frustrated and cheated that I spent my money on something that I can no longer have and enjoy.  I am, in other words, overwhelmed by the permanency of the new normal that I have no choice but to find.  I don't know what I enjoy; I don't know what my hobbies are, especially when the weather turns cold and I don't have the beach or baseball games (I used to drink at each, but enjoy them sober as well, especially the beach - I'm a good swimmer who won't do it while drunk).

I also worry that my wife will resent me for my realization and decision, as it will affect her life, as we will no longer do some things, like Bourbon Street, that she always enjoyed as well (though she would turn in when she had enough, while I would push until I passed out with a daquiri next to the bed).  We talked about this last night, and she calmly said that we will figure it out together, and that she would not resent me for anything, because it was never my choice to become an alcoholic.  She asked what I would feel if the situation were reversed, and I admitted that I would be very bitter, because another person, not me, made the choice to end a huge part of my whole life.  It was at this point that she realized the depth of my problem, as she said that for her it was just a matter of finding something else to do, being happy for happy times, and looking for more.  I don't know how to have fun except at baseball game and the beach without alcohol.  At some point, I forgot how to do that.  OK, I still play videogames, but that is not a social thing.  It is hard, as it is, to be social in New York, and I never really was, even while drinking.  I don't know how I am going to do it now.

What I know I need is a group I can talk to in New York.  It may be obvious to those of you with the patience to read this far that I am new to this community, and I need help finding my way into this.  I do not like religion, and do not intend to substitute God for booze - I pity people addicted to religion as much as I pity those like myself who cannot be as honest with themselves as I have managed to be.

I will not drink again - everyone who knows me who I have told about this believes this, as I am very strong-willed and stubborn.  I used to be a possible caffeine addict in denial of that, and quit cold turkey just to prove a point.  It was never hard for me.  This, however, was something that had come to control my sense of fun, even when it stopped being fun.  I know how not to drink.  I just don't know how to find my new self now that I am sober.

Thanks for listening, and please, if you know any non-religious groups in New York, could you please spare a moment and let me know.  I hope to someday be in the position, as some of you are, where I will be able to re-pay this by helping others.