Hi, I'm new to this forum, but not to recovery. I have been in rehab 3 times, and do ok for awhile, but when I start working on my personal inventory, I recall all the things I have done to people in my life, and I get so overwhelmed with guilt and such unbearable shame, I relapse. I am now on my 17th day of being clean, but I'm teetering on the brink. The thing that bothers me is my son. He is now 32, married, with a baby due in a month. He had a hard time growing up with me as his mom. Before he got in school, I spent my days looking for pills. I am addicted to any sort of mind-altering substance, but codeine and hydrocodone are my drugs of choice. I remember when he was about 6, and I had run out of my prescription, so I was in withdrawals. He was just being a kid, goofing around like kids do. Anyway, I just lost it, and I beat the living daylights out of him with a coat hanger. That kid was bruised from top to bottom. I would have gone to prison if that happened today. I just can't get that image out of my head, and the shame I feel is more than I can bear. Later on in my children's lives, he began huffing, and he sexual abused both his sisters. When I asked him why, he said, "I knew it would kill you inside, because the same thing happened to you" (I was molested from the age of 5 until I don't know how long, by our next door neighbor, who was also the pastor of the church I attended.) My son has never had any counseling about any issues, and even though he doesn't use anymore, he still has all the symptoms of "dry drunk". My husband and daughters went to al-anon, and our relationships are pretty good, despite the relapses I have. I know many will think my shame of my past is just an excuse to use again, but I get physically ill, and had to be hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts, a few weeks ago. I have apologized to my son over and over, but he doesn't buy it. He comes over whenever he feels like it, usually when his dad is working, walks right in, and gets right in my face, and tells me that when I'm dead, he'll dance on my grave. He also has said remarks like"Why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself? It would make it better for everyone"...or one day he said outright, if you come anywhere near me or my family, Ill kill you. I ought to right now!" He did point a rifle at me once when he was 16. Now that he and his wife are having a baby, he came over after I got out of the hospital, and with obvious enjoyment, he said I wasn't invited to the baby shower, nor could I see the baby when he's born, because I was a useless piece of shi*. I babysit my other 2 grand-daughters all the time. My counselor said he is deliberately trying to punish me. I am on anti-depressants, have gone to meetings, but I just can't get past what I did to him, and what's happening between us now. His dad told him to go to ala-non, and he just laughed and said he isn't the one with the problem, it's me. I tried detaching from him for 2 years, about 4 years ago, and that must have bothered him, because he would call and yell things at me, or when I didn't answer, he'd leave horrible, nasty messages. He constantly looks up court records on me, every week, to see if I did anything. (I forged prescriptions 13 years ago, and was arrested) He is living in the past and I believe he is sick as I am, the difference being I KNOW I'm sick. This whole thing about the baby is breaking my heart, and I tell myself that maybe I do deserve the punishment he is dealing out..good old stinking thinking, you know! I apologize for this being so long, but I just had to tell someone. I live in the sticks in Wisconsin, and there aren't that many meetings I can go to. Can anyone out there give me some insight on what I'm doing wrong, or not doing? I feel like I'm losing my mind!! Thanks for listening
The thing that stands out in your post, with me...is 17 days sober...
I know it is difficult...and your mind and emotions are likely all over the map...with regard to making things better...and thats normal...
As difficult as it may be....sometimes...
Taking inventory....I almost went to the brink of suicide....it brought up that much shame and guilt....
It was another...that kindly pointed out two words "Moral Inventory" and the other two words were "Forgive yourself"
The only ones we can take care of...is ourselves...and as long as we do that on a daily basis...and stay sober...time will heal and take care of the rest...
If Im relapsing on a regular basis....at different periods of time...others wont have much trust or faith in me...It could be a lot of days before they begin to do so...there are some that never have, in my case...
As for verbal abuse....from others....I would detatch myself from it...in any way possible...theres nothing one can do about what others think...
It took some of us a long time to get here...and we caused a lot of destruction, on the way....and its not going to all get fixed in a few weeks or months...
As for what others are going through....its up to them, what they do about it...We cant fix it for them...Its their stuff...not ours...and we cant blame ourselves for the way others are...
Take care of number one....thats the biggy....one day at a time..
Welcome to MIP
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"LOVE" devoid of self-gratification, is in essence, the will, to the greatest good...of another.
I agree with Phil. You have 17 days clean right now. That is amazing and those first 17 days to me felt like a lifetime! Just realize where he is coming from... 17 days is not enough to change everything from the past. Constant relapse is not something I would want around my newborn child. You did say that you were pretty unstable right now since you were just in the hospital for suicidal thoughts... I am not saying you have to prove yourself to anyone except yourself.... but that is probably what he is looking for. When I was still drinking and using pills etc I know people did not trust me. Some looked down on me... some gave me hope... Now that I look back I am happy that people did not trust me the way that I thought they shouldve. We do crazy things when we are in that frame of mind.. I am sure you know that. My suggestion is to keep moving forward... You admited that you have a problem so now do everything in your power to keep going and not let anything get in your way of your goal. Keep your head up and stay clean... one day at a time. For right now that is all you can do in hopes of seeing his baby when s/he is born. Once you are clean for a while and your life gets back on track, amazing things happen! Take care of yourself for you... not anyone else... and see what happens... welcome to the board and let us know how you are doing!
Jamie
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"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't"
I can share only my experience I came through the doors six and a half years ago ( i've been clean since) i did what was suggested went to meetings got a sponsor started working the steps had a little service commitment 'tea girl' stacking chairs emptying ashtrays etc. Circumstance had it that in the middle of my step four my sponsor had to leave due to family commitments ( her mother was sick) i drifted from the fellowship, i did complete my step four but became dissalusioned and drifted. I fully understand the shame that binds you i also fully understand the need for step five and the others it is a process and can be painful but with pain comes healing and understanding. i have spent four years working through this myself, although i do share with other addicts in recovery i have no sponsor NOT recommended. The steps are in that order for a reason and you work them one to twelve for a reason and you work them with a sponsor for a reason.......its that 'more will be revealed' stuff that they talk about. Time is a great healer and life is a gentle teacher but my experience is that whilst this is true i see others move along a little quicker with the help of a good sponsor, the twelve steps and the support of a loving fellowship working with the traditions and the spiritual concepts of AA. My suggestion.......don't sit on the steps it is too painful. Wishing you all the luck on your journey through recovery and congratulations on your 17 days another 17 miracles,well done.
Rag Doll, As I typed in your name a thought crossed my mind. The name evokes visions of beatened, bruised ripped and so on. Want to hear a little secret? For my daughter's second Christmas she recieved a stuffed dog made from a sort of silky material. She was a mere 1-1/2 and unlike other stuffed animals, she took to this one readily. Everywhere she went when drowsiness set in she had to have that dog to sleep. It traveled in and out the door all over the place. Thank goodness it was washable! But as time went on the many adventures caused the material to be thread barren. Eyes became stitched lines, legs grew thin, one ear was shortened, ect ect. ect. until it hardly looked like a dog. Yet the ritual continued well into primary school. One night it became misplaced and it took almost an hour before it was retrieved. I said to her don't you think it is time to give it up and toss it out.... It was as if I'd stabbed her. I kept coaxing though. One day while she was at school, I was making her bed. there was that "thing". I took it and hid it in my closet up on a high shelf. That night it was caos and for several nights after. Eventually she came to accept it was gone. Two years later, absentmindly when I was cleaning that closet in preparation for moving from that house, I left that dog on the floor in my room. She came in and seen it. She took it cradled it and held on tight. She didn't take it to bed however, but put it in a little rocker that sat next to her bed. It was as if she was giving it every bit of esteem/honor as she would if meeting a dignitary. The point of this........we ALL become battered and bruised throughout our lives. Sometimes we do it to ourselves sometimes the pain comes from others. YET we can always begin from a point to change how we do view ourselves and things around us. Yes, it may be a truth that you have made mistakes......yet you have picked yourself up and started over attempting with all strength to change WHAT YOU CAN. You are taking CARE of YOU and starting again to learn to love yourself in a healthy way. When one begins to do that then one can move into a place where others will respond more loving/respectful. I'm an ALANONER according to many, but I've learned MORE from the addict and alcoholic. The stories/experiences from them have taught me more coping skills than ever thought possible. A few years ago I was looking for answers to "fix" my AH, to put our marriage back togethor. This board was one of my salvations. As Phil has said, WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OUR ACTIONS AND WORDS. Throughout my own experience with AH it can be said that there have been times that things come out of his mouth that hurt like hell and his adultery only multiplied that. However,
First off - welcome to the site. I know firsthand how tough it can be to keep a program going when isolated from others of our kind.
Your story is a painful one, but it sounds like you know where the danger (to your sobriety) lies. There is much power in that knowledge.
Two things:
1. The past (for all of us), while deeply regrettable, is unchangeable. All we can do is hope that we learn from it, and, better yet, perhaps find some use in it for helping others. Hopefully you can find the right sponsor/share person to whom to fully confess your past and get you through it, along with your HP and what follows in the steps. None of us had an easy time facing down our step 4 and 5 demons, and yet much of the power of the program lies in doing exactly that. I had to break it down in baby steps, much like I had to break down time in my early sobriety.
2. We only have the power to change (actually we change it with HP's power - a loan of sorts) ourselves, and therefore only have control of our very own program, and no on else's (no matter how much we love them). Whether or not your son's shots at you are deserved, they are a result of what's going on in him, and might not reflect much of your current reality. He might be afraid to trust in your changing, or it might be illness talking - I do not know. All that you can do is to get yourself healthy. He may or may not come around soon enough for your comfort, but you will be setting the example and possibly planting a seed by living proof that recovery IS possible, that it can be real.
The situation sounds so painful and rocky. When facing big pain myself (and I have had to, recently) I pray to my HP a LOT, and I call/write to others often, and it does get me through - sometimes slowly, but always moving forward.
I sincerely wish a good recovery for you, and smoother family waters, if such is possible or HP's will. This site could help. Lord knows it helps me.
We all have Free-Will, Freedom of Choice, Freedom of too much, Our children talk to us like we talk to them. Then we expect them to treat us differently, with the respect we deserve. It isn't going to happen! All those times I cussed out my Son, then apologized or punished him for the same language.
I too was a child of an Alcoholic, molestation, rape and abuse. But, I chose not to drink use and destroy my life anymore. I left home at 13 and I didn't stop running until I was 38 years old.
I brought an innocent child into the World, and I got divorced because I thought I could do it better on my own, and at that time his Father was still drinking and using, while I had to quit because of the baby. Poor judgement just like in the BIg BOOk
Then later on he my son was also victimized by a boyfriend. Because of my illness, physical, mental, and bad judgement when I was working, drinking, then he introduced using. There I went again! Self-centered, self-seeking.
My last drunk was an 8 ball of coke, a bottle of blue gin, a black out, a smack to my Son's lip with a plastic sword we bought at Disneyland, a brokendown door, and a fear that I had HURT MY SON just like my DAD, and a dread of never making it to Heaven that stopped me cold in my tracks. Fear, Pride in reverse, Demorilazation, sick, sick sick
I called A.A. that day sick, with seizures I had, had going on now for 1 year, it took another 1 year to be healed from those seizures by God in his Church. I have an unshakeable Faith. If I didn't have my FAITH I would have drown along time ago.
For most of the years sober that I spent raising my child I was furious. He started alcohol and drugs that almost sent me/him to the Physc hospital. He unfortunantley got to go there as well as see the inside of a jail, juvenile hall ect. Just like his Mom. I was sick inside, I had such dreams for him, dreams now that were all gone. Even in the midst of this chaos my Son still got through school, went to college for 1 year. He needs to go back, please God. But God has another plan. It hasn't fully opened yet, but it will. WHY? Because I have FAITH! HOPE! and LOVE.
Now, I have 13+ years Sober, I work a 12-step Recovery program to the best of my ability. What a BLESSING! Our Son is working in S.F. after putting him through 3 rehabs, attorney bills, court system, skipping bail that almost cost us our home. All in All I am DONE. He still has problems with the courts I had to step away "Let GO and LEt GOd" take Control. He is 21 years old I am not responsible anymore.
I made my Amends to my Son on my 9th step. I won't put up with Disrespect or you can leave my home. There is NO ALCOHOL DRUGS OR CIGARETTES in our home. I kicked out my only Son for that very reason plus violence. I just evicted a woman from Church that was renting a room. NO Alcohol here when I forbid it here, and it is in the lease. Whats up with that? "NO" "RESPECT"
I am a fibro, cfids, manic depressive that I take medication for. We just went through a 4 month job lose, a husband with Diabetes 2, cancer and an aputation, tinitus, high blood pressure. We are 43 and 51 so we have a few years before we kick up our heals and go home to GLORY. Hang in there! Boundaries and an unshakeable Faith, with Hope and LOVE. That's what my remedy is for STINKY PEOPLE.
