I was thirty five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to. -- Anonymous
Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power?
No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative.
One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.
The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them.
Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.
We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.
We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.
Today, help me start practicing self care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
we used to all drink together and when i came into the program it didnt go over well. well many years later of pain and struggle and learning the hard way (for all of us) i have no contact with most of my "family". im the oldest of four and the quietness i live in now hurts my heart and fills me with deep sadness at times. i miss the "illusion" of family. there is no family when everyone is addicted to whatever. the disease runs the show and its all about getting the needs of the disease met. a councillor once told me(in reference to my family) that if i felt the need to "feed the sharks" there was no need to get into the tank. for quite awhile now i have gone nowhere near "the sharks". this works a lot better for me. slowly my eyes are being opened to people who are truly kind and mean no harm, a concept difficult for me to grasp. my trust issues are big, with good reason. with my higher powers help i keep on learning new things about this world of ours. some wonderful things, there is more Good than i thought and this is good news. i wish you all a happy 24.
How spot on to read this right now. I've been going thru a few changes with my family in California, and finally realized that I was repeating a character flaw that I had when I lived down there. As my youngest told me "when are you going to stop paying for what is past?". I realized the truth in his words and finally, finally set some boundries and let my needs be known to them, after years of saying "yes yes yes" to keep things calm and ease my guilt from crap that happened over two or three decades ago. Wonderfully, having shared these feelings with my family, i received a phone call of apology that shocked two hundred new grey hairs to grow out of my head. I love my family, but the martyrdom really had to stop, I was keeping myself sick in that area. See, miracles do keep happening....love Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thank you!! I just posted a huge topic on this very subject, and I started scrolling down and saw this. It opened my eyes to a lot of things I didn't realize. Thanks!
I love this particular daily reading from Melody Beatty's "Language of Letting Go" on self-care with family members. It's an excellent book especially if you tend to be a codependent caretaker or helper.
Thanks for posting it; especially today. My dad is temporarily staying with me after he had major surgery. He's an alcoholic and went thru withdrawals in ICU during his post-op recovery. Glad I was there to see what could happen to me if I ever go back to drinking. He's been dry since then but is still in denial that his drinking is a problem and has no interest in AA or the 12 steps. I just have to remember that a person being dry is not being sober--including myself--and that I'm responsible for my attitude and in taking the steps necessary for my own sobriety. Mostly I've been able to do what I need to do to keep emotional sobriety and not let being around someone not in recovery get under my skin--however, last Friday was definately not one of those days! Everything he did got on my last nerve and I had to make sure I got a break from him Saturday and did some things just for fun to recharge myself. Thank God for the program of AA.
