It's been a while since I have checked in. I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day and I'd like to run it by you all. I have been primarily in al-anon and in one of my meetings I have an older gentleman friend who works both programs. Ocasionally after meetings some of us will get together and have lunch, this has been happening for about the last 2 years. I've known the person and he seems nice and he's funny, but there are times when I get a little uncomfortable around him.
Once I got stuck in the parking lot with just him and me and it felt strange. It was only for about 5-10 minutes but he wanted a hug and I wasn't really comfortable giving him a hug but I wanted to leave so I have him a quick hug anyway. I knew after that day that I did not want to be alone with him again.
Fast forward a few months later and I either leave right after the meeting, or I'm very aware of when others leave. But I don't allow myself to be alone with him if at all possible. Anyway he has called me a few times to check in and invite me to some AA functions. It is very nice of him but his invites always seem to be linked to a "hey maybe we can have tea or a bite to eat before and then we can go on" Well this last week I was interviewing for a job and he was thoughtful enough to call me to wish me good luck on my interview. I thought that was nice and I think I was trying to put him into the "be my dad" box. It felt good to have an older man (like a dad) be aware of what I was doing.
Well I called him back and thanked him and that was that. Well after our meeting last week he called me to wish me good luck on another interview that I was going on and he said. (this is a message) "maybe we can get together for some tea, or dinner or maybe even a small glass of wine. Then he said something about "well I don't want to be responsible for what havack you might create so we'll keep it small. Then he laughed. Now I want to believe he was joking but I'm not sure what to do with this. What do you all think?
I'm thinking this gentleman wants more than just a casual friendship. And the glass of wine thing: I don't know much of anything about Al-Anon, but are they allowed to have a drink? If so, that's O.K. in my opinion. If not, it may be best to steer very clear of him. Remember, you asked for an opinion and that is all this is...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
I would go with your "inner voice" on this one. (I have had regrets ignoring MY inner voice, but seldom have I regretted actually listening to it).
The main concern I have is that he suggested having wine when he knows that you are alcoholic, right? I can not think of any reason, other than ulterior motives, for ever suggesting that an alcoholic have some alcohol.
This situation would bother me, in no small amount.
You might want to consult your HP for clarity, if you do not already have it.
I sincerely wish you well with this awkward situation.
I am in Al Anon and read the AA message boards. I learn so much from everyone here. I can tell you from my experience that when I need to ask if something doesn't seem right, it is because it is not right. I find myself having to ask others about my experience because I have been taught not to trust my own inner voice.
I find his comments about having a glass of wine and your behavior very rude, insensitive, and sounding that he feels superior.
Your inner voice is telling you what you already know to be true. Be true to yourself! Best wishes to you Moon!
It seems as if that "strange feeling" is more than likely telling you to keep this gentleman at bay. As Tim has stated, he is more than likely wanting to explore the possibility of a more intimate relationship with you. While you may not be able to avoid him entirely, you do not have to socialize with him outside of meetings (this would include answering/ responding to his calls). Those who enter into the program (AA) are often taunted and teased about drinking. While he may have been "joking" about the wine, it is felt his comments were inappropriate due to the fact he knows what the program entails. He surely has had an encounter with alcoholism whether it be a parent, spouse, friend, ect. otherwise why would he be in AlAnon?! It is thought that if some past relationship so "tormented" him to lead him to seek help from this program, why on earth would he "tempt" someone even in jest? .......especially an AA member? While it is truth that an AlAnoner may be able to drink socially themselves, there are quite a few numbers that have quit because they have seen the havoc and destruction up close and personal in their own lives and want nothing to do with alcohol at all. By the example of undertaking sobriety entirely one makes a much better case against alcohol. My own take on your situation.....stay away from him. Wanda
Honesty always seems to work best for me... Id simply let him know that you would rather keep him as a friend and a fellow program member... and Thats all. If you feel uncomfortable around him, continue to stay away from him. But be sure to let him know that you wont go out with him. You have the right to do that, and it's the right thing to do. And it will avoid future feelings of resentment... knowing you were honest and right from the get go. Thats my two cents...
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
The main concern I have is that he suggested having wine when he knows that you are alcoholic, right? I can not think of any reason, other than ulterior motives, for ever suggesting that an alcoholic have some alcohol.
Thanks everyone. Yes he knows that I am an alcoholic but he also knows that I am not working the AA program. So he likes to tease and it feels sometimes like he is waiting for me to drink again so that I will be somewhat forced to start my AA program. I don't know, I could be imagining that.
He invites me to AA meetings on occasion but doesn't push it on me. He very well knows that I'm married, but the phone calls and asking me for tea and such seems friendly....like you all said, maybe it's a little too friendly.
I'll be distancing myself including not taking phone calls.
Yes I'm married. This guy is very well old enough to be my father. I would never accept phone calls from someone who was single and around my age. He should not be an exception. Apparently I'm in a little denial that he may have other intentions...eww the thought is gross. Thanks for helping me clarify this.
I am new at this, but I believe that one thing that we all have in common is that without some good sense, at some point, none of us would ever take any steps at all toward recovery. I also think that once you are on your feet, and your outlook adjusts, that common sense just gets stronger. Trust that common sense and steer clear of this guy, even if you verbally have to express your discomfort.
Also, if even my wife, who is getting into Al-Anon as I begin with AA, ever suggested a glass of wine, even as a joke, I would be horrified, and she is new at it. This guy was way out of line. I'm sorry you have to deal with him.
Then he said something about "well I don't want to be responsible for what havack you might create so we'll keep it small. Then he laughed. Now I want to believe he was joking but I'm not sure what to do with this. What do you all think?