... i realize i should quit thinking. ya know that slogan...think, think, think...well for me..its don't think, don't think, don't think.
so i can probably safely say that like the majority of those powerless, i have trust issues. and ya i trust, cautiously..and get burned. yup, happened again. on a lighter note i have alot of people, places and things to be grateful for today.
i allowed someone into my life. i found out yesterday this boyfriend has been sleeping with someone else.. texting her constantly everyday..like me... telling her he loves her..like me. i know..don't get into a relationship early in recovery. so much easier said than done. i truly believe that lonliness is one of our greatest inner reasons for drinking, drugging, even though we dopn't realize at the time that it takes us deeper into addiction. at the same time i don't feel totally new to recovery, i had a year and a half in before my slip. This past wednesday i have 7 months of good sobriety. yah for Wendy.
anyway..today i feel like a fool. i got played and he was good at it. i let myslef trust this guy. i live in a pretty small city, lots of people know lots of people. i find out now most of this city thinks this guy is pure scum. hmm... ok..so i'm new to the city, new to the AA's here. i know there are certain people to stay away from, i usually follow my gut instinct. i'm not a stupid girl by any means. i find it hard today to think that hey, isn't there also good people?? wouldn't someone have told me that i should stay clear of this guy?? ok so, would i have listened? i know for sure that my gaurd would have been higher.
so, i guess i'm disappointed mostly in myself. i told him a couple of weeks ago that i was taking a break from our dating...this as a result of him saying to me, he feels vibes from me that there is another guy in my life... what a joke. i spent a good part of yesterday reliving alot of words said, wow, i was really blind. so, this other girl is pregnant.. as pregnant as when we first started dating. this honestly makes me sick to my stomach, all of yesterday, and today still, just sick.
him and her have been in the program here for 5 or so years, they are well known....and me, the fool.
oh crying around..whining..whatever... can't keep it in, does me no good to. i will recover, i have faith. |Do i wanna get falling down, puking, loaded?? ya
will it solve anything?? absolutely not. \irefuse to throw my recovery away for scum.
but it still hurts.
ok.. thanks for letting me unload, thanks for listening, thanks for being here from the bottom, top and sides of my heart
oh, and.... he owes me a100 bucks, when i asked for it.. he said he'd only give it to me if i tell him who told me... See?? scum, to which my reply was, i don't deserve that, do the right thing, hello Wendy...i just asked him to do the right thing?? pfft
I am so very sorry that you have so much hurt going on around you right now. You deserve so much better than that. The saying about some people being sicker than others comes to my mind right now. But, that won't make it easier for you.
But, you have got seven months of good sobriety behind you and that is a super achievement. Well done to you. Try to focus on the good things right now, like your sobriety. Just hang in there and it will pass and get better. Don't throw away your recovery.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
It took many MANY years into recovery for me to take a serious look at my male dependency issues and get brutally honest with myself.
I threw 4 years sober out the window over a relationship, and it wasn't worth it. I had no business being in a relationship because I was still looking for my 'feel-goods' outside of self.
I rationalized it was okay because he was in the program too. What I refused to see was the fact he was still clinging onto many old behaviors and attitudes, he eventually drank again, and I hopped right on the ride to hell with him.
99% of the time, when I am in pain, it is because I put myself into a position to be hurt. I put myself in unhealthy situations with expectations, and that just doesn't cut it.
Today I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. However, I did NOT get to that point until I took several searching and fearless moral inventories that extended beyond just my drinking.
I promise you that time will ease the pain. Keep working a program of recovery, and learn from this!
-- Edited by TenderheartsKS at 13:34, 2007-06-29
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
If it makes you feel any better - you are not alone. Not only have I done the same thing, I did it at 16 years sober. That is, after other similar lessons. But the good news is that I healed from it, and I am now with an amazing man who would never ever put me in a similar situation, who is healthy and happy and sane (well, as sane as me!). We are married and expecting a child - something that is possible because I'm in a great situation. But what is even better news is that I never drank over it. As a matter of fact, my response was to throw myself more into AA, into others in need, into service and prayer and meditation and all that great stuff.
So if experience, strength and hope mean anything - it means that at some point, you'll be telling your story in past tense to someone else who is going through it, feeling stupid and remorseful and angry. I now feel like my past situation happened for a reason - to help others, to connect to others, and to give my life some sort of depth and meaning. I was SO embarrassed to be in that situation because I should have known better. But I was in a tough spot in life, and I'm human. I just hope that you can have as much compassion for yourself as you would a friend, and take care of yourself by inventorying it!
Just know - you are not alone, and this is not all there is to life.
You are definitely not alone Wendy. I've had this happen to me also. "You're the only one for me..blah, blah, blah." Meanwhile she's bonkin' one or two other guys. And for someone who is not out there playing a game, who is really searching for the lifetime partner, it hurts. Oh well...lessons learned and only one "minor" std later, you overcome and learn to take another chance opening yourself up to a possible world of hurt again...or a lifetime of pleasure in sharing with that "other half" we hope to find. Wishing you well...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Love, lots of hugs and prayers headed your way, my friend.
Hang in there Wendy. I know it sounds corny, but you are right where you need to be at this moment and your HP has a better plan for your life.Believe it
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
