I sorta have 2 new sponsors now, 2 women from my homegroup... I can't decide between them, and well, they said I could use them both for now... one of them I know has been through these same things I'm dealing with right now, and they both gave me the same advice, same suggestions... and I was being stubborn and not wanting to listen, but I know they're right, and they told me exactly what I NEED to hear, not what I want to hear.
So... they were both suggesting going to a halfway house... but well, didn't argue the idea of finding someone needing a roommate with low rent... for the fact that I seriously don't want to part with my dog... it would kill her... literally. So, have looked online a little... but got the idea of what if I could find someone looking for help on their farm, with a room for rent, and I could help on the farm and continue learning... and be in the type of place I love most... because I don't want to go back to the city if I can help it. Of course, I guess I can't be too picky either... but farm life and the critters... to some extent they keep me sane most the time... well, obviously not lately lol but ya know... it's my joy in life... Anyway, I'll ask at the co-ops around here and look for ads...
I haven't talked to my bf yet... I'm dreading it.... my new sponsors, well, they said there's nothing wrong with stayin friends with him, but I'm too dependent on him in too many ways, and that I don't need to live with him... and they didn't say anything about our business deals, but I'm assuming I don't need to be in business with him either and have that tie there. And well, I'd already been thinking about breaking things off... for lots of reasons, but mostly because I don't need a relationship right now... I need to focus on myself, my sobriety, and getting my life straight...
I'm finally gonna start listening to people... I was being stubborn, and not wanting to listen to my sponsors, but well, realized that if I want to stay sober, I need to listen to people with more sobriety and more experience, who have been through it.
Yes, I think I'm finally starting to get a little sense back in my head... maybe lol
Lisa, I really love how you're working through things right now. You're doing the right things it seems to me & staying on track even though it's hard for the moment. These are challenges that will make your recovery & sobriety stronger. It's late in Liverpool so I can't write much in response to what you've shared so far but I will soon!! I love what you're saying, it's all good stuff & I can feel you getting better. Don't worry, Lisa. Everything's going to be just fine. Love in recovery & with you all the way, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Been there, done that......so, Please think about a couple of things before you make that final decision.....1) are you doing this because it's the right thing for YOU (not these '2 women') and 2) be certain you're not looking for that geographical cure (again)..... I promise it didn't work no matter how many times I tried it
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks Danielle... I do feel quite a bit better today... was still sorta a mess this morning... but... am thinking a bit more clearly now... getting to a meeting in a little while... also talked to the woman that was sponsoring me, and she said I can still call her, we'll stay in touch and see each other at meetings, but she understood that I need a sponsor that feels right for me... and well, she didn't.
Doll wrote:
Been there, done that......so, Please think about a couple of things before you make that final decision.....1) are you doing this because it's the right thing for YOU (not these '2 women') and 2) be certain you're not looking for that geographical cure (again)..... I promise it didn't work no matter how many times I tried it
No Doll, I don't think I'm doing it because of my sponsors, and it's not a geographical cure either... honestly, it's been on my mind for a bit in a way, well, I'd been thinking about breaking things off with my bf... which along with that, went the decision on whether or not I could stay here, if I'd be able to go on with the business plans that we had started, etc... and well, I knew I couldn't stay here and not be in a relationship with him and not still be so attached to him... honestly, I do love him, a lot... but... this just isn't what I need right now, and I don't think I can move on either, being here with him... This is a tiny 3 room house, only one bed, no room for another bed... the period of time we sorta broke up, it was hell for me emotionally, and well, we were still sleeping in the same bed, and well, still having sex. I don't want that again. And I need a lot more space than I get here... I mean, well, I don't handle the several days in a row being by myself too well, but, most of the time, we're both here together, all the time, and well, I can't take that... ya know, if I just had my own room or something, it wouldn't be so bad... I dunno...
My sponsors said it'd be fine to stay friends with him, which I do want to stay friends with him, but advised against living with him, and also against going into our business deal... which, I don't really have a problem with that, I wasn't too interested in this thing we and another friend were going to start up, and he told me already that I didn't have to be involved in it if I didn't want to.
I don't mean for it to sound like I'm doing it because they said so or whatever... but, I've had the same suggestions from people for quite awhile... and am starting to realize, I need to be in a situation where I can be a bit more independent, without these emotional ties that tend to get me screwed up and take the focus off of my sobriety... And, well, when I talked to the woman that was sponsoring me, she agreed with me on it, and well, she's actually one who had made those same suggestions before but I wouldn't listen.
I just wanted you to take a look at the whole picture, Hun. You are flip flopping quite a bit these days, from one thing to another and back again. Plus I know all too well how a physical relationship can hinder a right decision.... I am very happy for you taking charge of your life, but I felt compelled to say this, because well, I've been where you are and I care......
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks Doll, I know, I've been all over the place lately... thanks for bringing up those things, cuz your right, they do need to be looked at. I'm pretty sure of what I'm doing, and have others that are close to me who think I'm doin the right thing too...
now... just a matter of finding somewhere to go to... with how I've been thinking about breaking up with my bf... well, the thing about where I'd go came up... and ya know, I was just gonna stick it out, because of not having anywhere to go, even if my being here wasn't the best thing for me... and ya know, I did that with my exhusband for a long time, stayed because I didn't think I could handle things on my own, and I was miserable... I'm not doing that again... It's time for me to grow up and start takin care of myself, and proving to myself that I *can* do things on my own... that I don't have to always depend on a man, or well anyone, all the time...
I do think being here was a good stepping stone... getting away from Memphis, away from people who beat up on me all the time, where I really didn't have much support... getting here where I've been able to make a small start at turning my life around, with some support from some great people... I can't say it's been all bad being here, even if I do complain about stuff here... and can't even totally complain about my bf, even if things lately have been really crappy. He's helped me a lot, maybe too much though, but gave me a start here at least... and helped me to build some confidence and self-esteem back up to where I feel I can handle things on my own now. I've also learned a lot from him in being here, about life, and handling my finances and stuff, not to mention farming also :) Hopefully we can stay friends... but need to put a little distance in between us though, and take care of myself, and start learning how to support myself.
