So much has been going on lately and I continue to try to push it all down, just like I 've always done - (Brave lil' Jen, oh she's fine ) If I don't acknowledge it, it isn't happening... I know that will only last for a while and then it all comes to the surface.......I have health issues again, my son is screwing up beyond belief, my father is dieing, my mother is crazy (although that's not new), my son's dad is a nightmare (not new either) and I managed to push away the one thing that was my rock. I, jokingly but not really, gave John an ultimatum a few days ago. We've been down this road so many times. God has put the desire in my heart to be married again some day and I wanted it to be John. Now, mind you, I've known thru this almost 6 yr relationship it would NOT be him, but somehow I've managed to convince myself from his actions (especially lately) that it would be! He's kind, caring, loving, supportive, has integrity and has restored my faith that there are good men out there. He's not in the program, nor does he need to be, but he's supported me thru recovery and relapse and recovery and relapse and recovery. He's never lied to me about how he feels about me. He's never intentionally given me hope for a future with him, I've projected that all on my own.....Someone in 'recovery group' asked me "do you want to be in a healthy relationship or do you want to be married?" Because he would be perfectly happy with us continueing things as they are for the rest of his life - Well, this old gal wants both. I deserve both. I know that even a healthy relationship can be unhealthy when 2 people want different results. I want to get married, he does not! Resentment rises up in me. I had to call it quits. This has been a 'trigger' in the past and I will NOT drink over him or this ever again! So, I ended it. Now, I'm 2nd guessing myself. I know it was the right thing to do. I know I will be OK. But I miss him so much right now, with all these other issues going on. He was my best friend. My heart is breaking...My mind is racing - I got tickets for us for a concert next month, he's supposed to fix a few broken things in my house, he has my truck, we have a cell phone plan together and on and on and so forth........Did I do the right thing? For the first time in my life, I can say 'yes, I believe I did' but oh God, it hurts so bad.....How can doing the next right thing be so painful.....And I know him! It's just a matter of time before I get that phone call ( or email) and he says "I miss you, this sux" and I'm terrified I'll once again give in... and things will be OK, but only for a while, when that wanting more rises up in me again ........... I know all too well, ' if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always gotten'....So, you see, I know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love me, to want someone who doesn't want me.. to know it's not good for me, but still want it....I'm requesting prayers of courage, to be able to focus and for my heart to mend quickly.
God grant me the serenity......NOW!
-- Edited by Doll at 06:18, 2007-06-27
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
God, help this gal and do what is right/best for her.
And while You are doing that, please also give her the courage to change the things she can, the serenity to accept the things she cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
For what it is worth: I still love my AH very much knowing he is living with his mistress.....has been for a while. And yes, it does hurt..... Not as much as it did. I had to stop doing what I was doing for my own sanity. I made up my mind to stop calling ect. I HAVE ran in to him on occasion yet I never bring up or talk about anything related to US. I do still pray daily for him. I handed the rest to HP/God. On occassion I have those moments......yes, I cry. these have become less and less. I use the 12steps alot. Constantly think of what God's will is and am I doing it. You are not alone. Will fulfill your request. Serenity? It will come......allow it on its terms. Hearts that have been in relationships for a length of time take time to heal. Allow yourself the time. Best of sobriety and blessings to you. Wanda
doll, i have always like your up front ways of expressing yourself, and am truly sorry to hear you are in emotional pain right now. of course i can relate big time to a great deal of what you're going through. personal integrity is what i call it when i am being honest about what i want in a relationship. i am well aware he is allowed to say yes or no and i have to say the "no" is hard to take. i dont think any recovering alcoholic takes it well. i think you'd have to be a freakin saint to be all spiritually creamy and serene with break-ups! at any rate i have a ways to go before i get there with that. this one day at a time gig helps a lot with heart-ache stuff and of course the ever essential prayer. my mom is crazy too (also not new) my dad has been gone for 6 months now and i have huge gratitude his suffering is over cause he was so sick before he died. i know with everything in me he is in whatever "heaven" is. with other people such as relatives and whatever that wouldnt "play nice" i apparently got so good with boundries that they just never call anymore! go figure! things that make you go hmmmm.....i sure hope you dont think im making light of your issues. this is a bit of an attempt to hopefully cheer you up and know that i really care and love and support you. hang in there my friend. sending love and light and prayers your way.
Wow, Jen. There's no getting around it, this is a painful time on so many levels. I'm so glad you have your fellowship around you during this. Like Cindy, I so admire your ability to stand firm on your convictions in this area. No matter what the outcome, whether you move on or return, staying true to yourself is the key here. You aren't being blinded, you alone know what your truth is. Just know that I (we) are here for you no matter what. a hug from Washington, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
I am so sorry that you have so much pain in your life right now. You simply don't deserve it. But, I admire you so much for staying true to your wants and needs. It might not seem it at this moment, but everything happens for a reason.
Please know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Take good care of yourself, won't you?
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
There is no hugging emoticon so (((((hugs))))) My experience tells me that pain usually procedes growth...........I know 'growing pains' at our age keep sharing.
Ok Jen. I have to ask this from a male perspective: What is the deal with marriage? Were you not living as a married couple would? What is it that would change by a ceremony/piece of paper and public acknowledgment of your union? An inquiring mind wants to know.
That aside, I do hope things turn around for you in ALL ways. It can get tough out there especially when the fan hits a BIG pile of it all at once. You are a wonderful person, I now that from all your postings in the last year. Know it for your self. Good thoughts and wishes heading your way friend. Love and hugs...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
timverton wrote:What is the deal with marriage? Were you not living as a married couple would? What is it that would change by a ceremony/piece of paper and public acknowledgment of your union? An inquiring mind wants to know.
The 'deal' would be a lifetime commitment. Someone to share every aspect of my life with, someone to grow old with. No, we were not living as a married couple. We actually live 50 miles apart and only got to be together once or twice a week..... Marriage is a "Godly Union" (for lack of a better term at the moment). It has absolutely nothing to do with public acknowledgement.It has to do with honor.......and to be honest, it's just what I want. Simple as that.
Thanks for the thoughts and well wishes. And thank you all for the support. Means soooooo much.
-- Edited by Doll at 17:37, 2007-06-27
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
AAAAHHH. Sorry for my ignorance. Please forgive me. I had the idea that you have been living together for a long time. Yes, I do understand the lifetime commitment. I have always searched for that myself with not so much luck- until recently I believe. It is truly magnificent to find someone to share every aspect of your life with...full time. Now I understand your hurt. I do wish nothing but the best for you Jen. I wish there were more I could do to help make you feel better and I know from the responses here I'm not alone with my desires. Love and hugs...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Tim, an apology is not necessary. I guess some of my shares could give that impression.........Actually, I would not be opposed to living together, but his church will not allow it. It would come down to chosing one over the other and his religious doctrine and upbringing will always win.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Wow Doll, You are going through quite a bit right now huh? If this is something that MAY jeopordize your sobriety then maybe you are right and you should get out now. It is tough because I am sure you are looking back at all the good times... our mind has a tendency to forget the truth after a while! I have always asked myself... "Jamie, does the good outweigh the bad"? (Yes, I talk to myself!) It was not always easy remembering the bad times... especially when that person says they will change... things tend to always go back to how they were once we get comfortable again! I hope things turn around for you soon! Good to hear from you!
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"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't"
Jen, I think your straight~line sober~thinking will always win you through. I think you can be strident in your replies sometimes but this is reflective of your strength & no~nonsense discipline! Follow your heart & keep doing what you feel is right for you. You don't seem too afraid of the pain it takes you & I know you always learn. Thanks for all the strength you share of yourself. I hope you feel it coming back & with you too. You win it well. I wish you the best of blessings for your wants & needs. You deserve the best & I wish you the grace to accept the joys you earn for yourself. Keep on moving, Doll you do so well. Enjoy your stillnesses too. Love & prayers for your journey, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
) If I don't acknowledge it, it isn't happening... I know that will only last for a while and then it all comes to the surface.......I have health issues again, my son is screwing up beyond belief, my father is dieing, my mother is crazy (although that's not new), my son's dad is a nightmare (not new either) and I managed to push away the one thing that was my rock. I, jokingly but not really, gave John an ultimatum a few days ago. We've been down this road so many times. God has put the desire in my heart to be married again some day and I wanted it to be John. Now, mind you, I've known thru this almost 6 yr relationship it would NOT be him, but somehow I've managed to convince myself from his actions (especially lately) that it would be! He's kind, caring, loving, supportive, has integrity and has restored my faith that there are good men out there. He's not in the program, nor does he need to be, but he's supported me thru recovery and relapse and recovery and relapse and recovery. He's never lied to me about how he feels about me. He's never intentionally given me hope for a future with him, I've projected that all on my own.....Someone in 'recovery group' asked me "do you want to be in a healthy relationship or do you want to be married?" Because he would be perfectly happy with us continueing things as they are for the rest of his life - Well, this old gal wants both. I deserve both. I know that even a healthy relationship can be unhealthy when 2 people want different results. I want to get married, he does not! Resentment rises up in me. I had to call it quits. This has been a 'trigger' in the past and I will NOT drink over him or this ever again! So, I ended it. Now, I'm 2nd guessing myself. I know it was the right thing to do. I know I will be OK. But I miss him so much right now, with all these other issues going on. He was my best friend. My heart is breaking...My mind is racing - I got tickets for us for a concert next month, he's supposed to fix a few broken things in my house, he has my truck, we have a cell phone plan together and on and on and so forth........Did I do the right thing? For the first time in my life, I can say 'yes, I believe I did' but oh God, it hurts so bad.....How can doing the next right thing be so painful.....And I know him! It's just a matter of time before I get that phone call ( or email) and he says "I miss you, this sux" and I'm terrified I'll once again give in... and things will be OK, but only for a while, when that wanting more rises up in me again ........... I know all too well, ' if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always gotten'....So, you see, I know what it's like to love someone who doesn't love me, to want someone who doesn't want me.. to know it's not good for me, but still want it....I'm requesting prayers of courage, to be able to focus and for my heart to mend quickly. 
keep sharing.
