Well, even with being in and out of the program for a year now, I'd never chaired a meeting...  I did pick a topic a couple of weeks ago at one meeting, it's one where whoever has a topic can speak up.  But at tonight's meeting, there's a guy that always chairs it, but he has a speech problem, and so he starts it, then lets someone else read How it Works and read the topic.  So...  for whatever reason tonight, he and I were the only regulars there, we had 3 other people there who don't usually come to that meeting.  So I jumped in and read how it works, and then actually did the topic too!  I picked the easy spur of the moment topic - the story on acceptance, which is something I've been thinking about a lot anyway, surrender and acceptance...  I was actually pretty proud of myself...  cuz normally I don't jump in like that...  Actually lately...  I've been jumping in a bit more, I've offered to read how it works at a couple of meetings now, whereas in my homegroup back home, I'd read the shortest things - the blue card, which states if it's an open or closed meeting, or the preamble lol

Ya know that thing of "you get out of the program what you put into it"?  I dunno, I've felt like I need to put more into it lately...  well, things are going a  lot better lately, but...  I dunno I feel like I sorta do things half*ss in the program, although people tell me all the time that I work a really good program...  But *I* feel like I slack off quite a bit and could be putting more into it.


Also, worked on my 4th step a bit more today...  and the first time I started working on it, about a week ago, it really didn't seem so bad...  it didn't get me down or anything...  but then today, I started making that list of character defects...  and I dunno, it just sorta got me pretty down...  the list kept growing and growing, when  before I started listing it out, I'd thought about it before but couldn't think of a whole lot of defects...  So...  I remembered what my sponsor said about how she also made a list of attributes, to kinda bring herself back up while working on it...  but...  I couldn't come up with many really...  And it's not that I think I'm a bad person or anything, I really do feel like I've come a long way, but I just couldn't come up with much...  I was telling my bf about that tonight, and he started on a long list of good things about me  lol  which made me feel a little better at least     I dunno...  it's like, listing out people I've hurt and how I hurt them and all that...  that's not so hard...  I mean, not saying I'm not ashamed of what I've done, but I can look at it and say "well, I'm not like that anymore, I don't have to do those things again" ya know?  But listing out those character defects, some of which are ones I feel aren't totally there anymore but came up in how I hurt people, and a lot of which I know are still there, I dunno, I felt like I was sitting there beating myself up...  *sigh*

But...  I'll keep praying, and plugging away at it...  I know it's a very important step and I want to do it although I don't like doing it.