A little history---39 year old husband struggling with addiction for 2 years. In and out of sobriety for 2 years. Presently dealing with some serious legal consequences. I found this today---I haven't heard from him since yesterday at 5p. Here goes...
It's at these times that I truly believe that I am 2 different people living 2 different lives. While inone life it's hardo think about the other. I'm still tying to comprehend is tht moment of crossover. When and why. When I go from Ward (Cleaver) to party monster with a quantified addiction. Not to say Ward doesn't have issues. I mean what is it? Could it be the moon..the stars or remnants of a DJ's beat parked inside my head? Maybe a little bit of each. Someone once said to me just be who you are and let you be you. But who the fuck are you? So the real you has got to step up and make a choice. It seems so obviously easy and yet so ridiculously hard. That, my friends, is addiction. I crave that adrenaline rush that comes with the anticpation of the moment more than the drugs themselves...or is it just the drugs? Sometimes I'm not sure. As the anticipation high can sometimes superceed the actual high. That may seem hard to believe to most non addicts. But the rest of you know what I mean.
Trying to capture a moment or a feeling that is gone forever never to be had again as hard as you might try over and over again. Occasionally you might get a glimmer. But the odds are you will be less than successful. Not to say you won't try. Here comes that beat again and you feel yurself sliding in your mind to another lost weekend. At that moment you blink and you realize 2 beautiful children are your responsibility and at the heartof your soul, then the beat again.
These children are as real as it gets, never to be outshined, never to be left behind and always on your mind.
The sun goes down and that evening approaches and ever so subtlely you start to hear. And it gets louder and you already know you're gone. The preparations begin, however big or small, whether you have even admitted to yourself. The magnet is too close to the steel and the beat gets stronger and louder. It's at this point you know it can't be turned off. Hours of a daze slide by with beats strong and soft, high and low. Every class and race is represented here. This is America. This is Atlantic City.
Thena moment of clarity. You look around and see phonies, leeches and two faced addicts working every angle they can to go on. You realize you gave more of yourself than most deserved. Once again the beat takes over.
The sun sets again. Hours of anther haze go by. The group is ever changing. I'm not even sure who was here yesterday. YOu know it's happened again. The quagmire of your own making has arrived.
The beat is softer and mostly from your own lips, but still going. The end is near and the panic or the relief has arrived.
The feelings of this ride begin to subside with the turning of the ignition. Or do they. I'll let you know when I go.....
I wanted to share that with all of you. His struggle is real. Addiction hurts so many.....I think it's going to kill him mom to 2
How very painful to read, and re-remember those feelings and thoughts. How real they are. I often wonder how much of my writings were read by my ex and my other family members, and what I put them through.
I feel it was remarkable that you shared this with us. Thank you. It brings the nightmare of addiction right up close and personal, and the reminder, how quickly I (we) can slip right back into the insanity.
My prayers are with you. Again, thank you for sharing this. Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Thank you so very much for posting that. It certainly brought back so many nightmarish memories of what life was like for me when I was still drinking.
I remember so clearly not really not knowing who I was anymore and not really caring, either. I couldn't see any end to it or to the suffering that I was causing to other people.
Addiction just doesn't care who it affects.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Am sitting here keeping tears at bay. I can totally understand what those feelings you must be having are. I've heard the "I am sorry"(s) many times only to watch AH fall time again. I seen health detoriate before my eyes, did the begging and pleading to go to the dr. (knowing inside it was the alcohol robbing life). He moved out and in with his mistress......and continues to drink to the point of oblivion. At the onset of learning of the affair......promises that we would work through our differences. Everything within my capabilities was done...... He refused to seek ANY counsiling, marriage or otherwise. And thus began my journey alone...... I've ran into him at our sons' place on occasion. His health.....worsened, though he will not come clean about how serious it is. He is cordial at those times when he feels some freedom to chat with me and his lover is not around. However, the is one of two personalities. It has been totally different when he is in her presence. She backed a tavern..... Alcohol is readily at his dispose. I am healing..... It has not been easy to go on...... 30yrs married. It is not easy to be his "verbal" punching bag at times even though the things he says are outright lies. that is where the 12 steps/prayer/God come into the scheme of things. I have no control over his addiction/disease. I must keep that in mind at all times. I will keep you in my prayers as well as your husband. Hope you are seeking help to cope with this situation. It is hard to allow him to make his own mistakes. It surely is that you love him. We can only do so much. The rest is up to him. Yes, it does effect not only the alcoholic/addict but everyone around them......most notably the families. We have 3 children......who when this all transpired were young/teens and impressionable. They all drink in varying degrees. When growing up they were taught and warned of the dangers. They have lost friends in alcoholic accidents, seen friends carted of to jail and one of the three has paid a fine for illegal consumption by a minor. Theyv'e seen first hand how it effected their father and our relationship as well. Yet...... In silence .......... I pray. May God see you both through these horrors. And as painful as it was for you to read his writings......I thank you with the hope that his message will touch the heart of someone struggling with their own addictions.
I do hope the post will help someone else suffering. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. It is so hard to watch. I still do not know if he is dead or alive. And yet, I've kept busy with the children and I will continue on. I've learned that much from alanon. I will continue to pray, as well. mom to 2
