Started off the day checking on my babies out in the barn... and I lost 2 turkeys... I left them loose in the barn last night, I really think something scared these 2, or at least one of them, he was between 2 cages with his wing stuck through the bars of one, spread out, and his head twisted around in the other cage next to it. The female turkey had her head stuck and twisted around in another cage... My other 3 toms and 3 guineas are fine though... I think the chicks will be alright to let loose now, so will get those cages out of there tomorrow.
Then... well, my bf has been on more or less a dry drunk for about a week now... problems with his business partners set it off, realizing how people take advantage of him, how he lets people walk all over him, and suddenly decided he's not going to let them anymore... well he's been on a constant rant, every time he opens his mouth it's ranting about one of these people that have screwed him over. And yes, they are doing him wrong, but he's not seeing where he was wrong in it either, but I can't tell him that, and I can't tell him how to work his program either. I've suggested he pray, meditate, call his sponsor... he is going to meetings at least... I also suggested he give the 4th and 5th step a try... I found out recently that in his 13 years, he never did those 2 steps... I'm not trying to run his program or anything, I know I can't tell him what to do, but I can suggest, right? I just made the suggestions and have left it alone since then.
I saw his sponsor tonight at a meeting, bf asked if I tattled on him, and I told him no, that's not my job.
I just couldn't handle it today... probably mostly cuz of losing those turkeys started off a bad day... I left mid-afternoon and went into town, picked up his prescriptions, did a bit of shopping, went to a meeting, then went to starbucks and started my 4th step... went and got some dinner and worked on it a bit more... and came home...
Was feeling quite a bit better, calmer, more at peace... then I talked to my bf, told him I hope he didn't feel like I was being unsupportive by leaving, but that I just felt like my nerves were shot today, I had to get out and have some time to myself... which he does understand at least... but then he went on another rant...
He's going to see his business partners tomorrow... and I'm worried about that, from the way he's been ranting... he's done a lot of stupid stuff, in his drinking days, and after getting sober even... "getting even" with people... he's said stuff about how he should put his gun on the table and see who gets to it first, him or his business partners... he says he should get with his "connections" and have some one "line them up against the wall" and do some *unmentionable* things... and he's done all this before. He's told me he had 3 attempted murder charges on him by the time he was 21, but that they were dropped... he's never gotten in serious trouble since, but has done things that he should have been in trouble for...
I know, I'm powerless over it, I can't control what he does, and no, I have no reason to be concerned for my own safety or anything... but am worried about where this is going, what he'll do, if he's going to get himself in some kind of trouble... I guess if he does, there's nothing I can do about it... but I just can't handle all this right now, it's wearing me thin... All I can do right now is pray though I guess... and take care of myself... funny, the meeting I went to tonight, there was a lot of talk about how you can't help anyone else if you don't help yourself... that's what I'm trying to do right now, take care of myself and keep myself sober...
Anyway... thanks for reading... just a rough day... gonna try to sleep soon.
Just a thought; you might be 'too close' to suggest anything, he may see it as you taking his inventory... Never done steps 4 or 5? OMG! It's not a wonder he's a 'dry drunk'
Something I've learned - people may not always believe what you say, but they will always believe what you do - you set a good example and keep on keeping on!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Dear Lisa, I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful birds. That must have been a nasty shock & deeply saddening. I know how you love them all so. Thanks for sharing with us & letting us know how things are with your Bf. I can see how you would be worried for his attitudes & seeming lack of action in his recovery. It's hard to know what to accept & what to let go of isn't it but you seem to be doing the right things for yourself & taking care of your own program. You also are keeping it in the Day & knowing that these things will pass. I hope your Bf is simply sounding off the best way he knows how for now & there's always hope for progress. You're doing the right thing to suggest & then step off while you do your own. It's information sharing isn't it & the better you do the more ES&H you have to offer. I hope you get a good rest & feel better after a sleep. Thoughts with you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
You're right Doll, that maybe I'm "too close"... well, we give each other suggestions, but we make sure to not try to run each others' programs... and when I made those suggestions, I told him I'm not trying to run his program, but that that was how I saw it... and he was fine with that. He's been going to meetings still, and ranting a bit at the meetings about all that's going on, I guess it's good he's at least getting it out... but the Saturday night meeting we went to and he ranted about this deal with his partners, an oldtimer there encouraged him, telling him to not let them walk on him, to take back what is his... he seemed to take that as it's ok to do these crazy things he rants about doing to these people. *sigh*
You're right that I need to set an example... he tells me I work a good program, better than he does... I dunno, I don't compare how people work the program, we all work it in different ways. But I try hard to do what I need to do, and to listen to others in meetings and take suggestions... and I might procrastinate a bit when starting a step, but I do tackle it and get on with it. I realized I'd been really procrastinating with the 4th step, and finally started it, and am hoping that that is setting an example for my bf... when I was starting the 3rd step, he said "watch it, you're gonna pass me up on the steps" and I told him he better get busy then lol
Danielle, Yes, it was hard losing those 2 babies... I lost some chicks and guineas when they were very young, that wasn't quite as hard, because you expect to lose some when they're that young... but these turkeys are about 10 weeks now, I've had them about 2 months I guess... and have grown quite attached to them.
Part of what worried me with my bf... he told me he thought about going and getting drunk a few days ago... he didn't do it, but he didn't call anyone, he didn't tell anyone, until after the fact, after the thought had come and gone. I'll admit I've done that as well, but with the state of mind he's been in, that worries me. But of course, I can't control anyone else's sobriety, I can't make him NOT drink if he decides to. He drinks a non-alcoholic beer on occasion (I know most recovering alcoholics won't agree with that) and I was going to get him some for his birthday... but then after he said he had thoughts of drinking, I'm not putting that temptation there, to me it seems the taste of NA beer could trigger him actually getting the real stuff, and I'm not contributing to that.
I do feel better today... bf is a little bit calmer today I think... not ranting as much. He hasn't gone to see his business partners yet, but I think he's planning to.
Something that added a bit of serenity to my day though... 3 little chicks hatched last night, I got home too late to see them last night though, and one hatched this morning! All solid black, so we know who the papa is lol we've got a big black rooster here, he's top of the pecking order... to get those solid black ones, the black hens must've laid those eggs. Still several more eggs to hatch, we've got 6 hens setting. And I checked under one hen, she had an egg under her that was cracked open, but no sign of the chick, it must've been up in her feathers though.
I let my chicks out of their cages today... took one cage down, will go out and get the other cages down after awhile, we need to set up one to move the hen and her chicks to it so the chicks can eat though.
I love their beautiful head~dresses! They're gorgeous, Lisa. I'm glad you have the rest of your animals to care for & move on with. Thanks for sharing them with us. As for drinking alcohol-free beer.. What's the point! It would mess with my head so I don't bother. Quite wise of you not to partake :) Wishing you both the best, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Lisa, My heart goes out to you.... You have come far from where you were when you first began your posts. I feel somehow through those beautiful birds you have found a sort of connection with your HP/God. There are many who feel that with their varying pets in this world. Loosing them is as if we loose a part of ourselves. My brother, sisters, and I all felt that way when we lost our beloved Boxer, BoBo. I will never forget gathering the most beautiful flowers from my mom's flower beds and placing them and a cross of sticks on the grave. (For that matter, I saw tears in my dad's eyes right after he buried that dog.) We even had a sort of funeral. I can smile now at all the fond memories....... It was quite a different story at the time. So it is with understanding that I am so sorry you have had to go through this. As for the bf, today was one of the roughest days in coping with AH. Thought it was the right thing to do to let him know that our daughter is being monitored for preeclamsia. First, I was hung up on by the mistress as soon as I told her who I was. Well, that was nice. Didn't even get a chance to let her know it was about Anne. So I called back. AH answered and it was very apparent he'd been consuming for some time. Told him I thought he might like to know ....... and that his mistress wasn't very nice in her actions. Told him at least 4 times that this was serious shit regarding Annie. Out of the blue.......he tells me how he has been past my home..... and wanted to know who's motorcycle was always parked here. Tells me to leave bf at home and away from hospital. Totally uncalled for, total figaments of his imagination......or his own guilt trying to justify his adultery. Hmmmmmmm? He totally got to me and it hurt.......like hell as is what this disease really is all about. A living hell for the drinker, for the significant others, for the families. I was in tears. I am now alot better....... I reminded myself it is the alcohol and what it has done to the mind, body, and spirit of this man. He chose to drink and against all suggestions disregarded all for alcohol. Goes past my house? Why? He's got a woman he supposedly is so in love with. Until tonight have not contacted him in anyway for about two years. (Have ran into him and it was cordial. Was not out looking for him.) BF? Wow, news to me. Right now there's is my sister who just endured colon cancer surgery. She has yet to start chemo. A friend enduring chemo result of breast cancer, my beloved daughter and grandchild who could be in serious trouble not to speak of 2 elderly parents living next door with health issues of their own. Plus a job, a car that has had problems........ Haven't thought of anyone else but these people. Right now I've no time to even look there are too many other concerns. The motorcycle, if he did see one,......belongs to the hired kid who helps the farmers who rent the ground. They ALL park their respective vehicles in the lane. I have no say so in the matter other than asking them not to block my car in. If this disease weren't some serious shit and what it does, I would be laughing my rear off. Though I am saddened by his fabrications of own creation I am at peace. He is the one that is ill and .....I AM POWERLESS.....I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS ACTIONS, HIS FEELINGS, ECT. I CAN'T STOP WHAT HE DOES OR SAYS. I can only suggest that concentrating on those steps and prayer may help. Even if he refuses your suggestions......it may be beneficial to center self on the same. Go to the meetings, do the step work ect. And pray anyway....... I will keep you in mine.
