Need some e. s & h.....My friend Is a recovering A. He has a son who is 16. They have been estranged the last few months. Clashing with eachother, etc, you know how teenagers can be. But, It has now been brought to light the teenager is drinking.
My friend tells me, the first drink is becomming important to his son. I have a problem with this. I have been in there lives for over 20 years. Watched the boy grow up, always been his "Aunty Ally". But as you know "I am powerless", I can not change this, or fix it. (this kid has grown up round about AA meetings)
The recovering A, is drivning me nuts.. His attitude is, "Hand It Over"..He loves his son very much, He's hurting at the way they have drifted apart, and I guess It has been affecting his moods, not going to meetings etc.
But is this the right thing to do.?????
I feel It's a cop out, hand it over.. I feel he is being stubborn, because his son has hurt him. I feel he should be out there "being a dad", reaching out to his son. And I told him that. What If In all your, he said this, bla, some tragedy happens concerning your son, how will that make you feel then?
God, this is soooo hard. The son has grown up in a dysfunctional family like myself. But, my dad, for all his defects, would fight tooth and nail for me, he would NOT, just stand back and "Hand it over"....
Am I being ignorant and nieve, am I being mislead by the AA principals.....
I cannot control anyone especially the A... But I feel his dad Is watching him going down the same path he went.. And gees-us, surly "Pride" comes into this senario somewhere. I say stuff pride, This Is his kids life....He tells me, "He needs to grow up Ally, and to do that he needs to go through pain".
As an Acoa, I had sh*t In my head all my life, I hid It from people, until I got to Al-anon at 35 years old....
Am I over-reacting at this situation.
I met the son, and he said he would come round and see me this week, I'm going to try talking to him, and just remind him, I love him, and I am always here for him.
From my own experience there wasn't much I could do about my own children drinking. AH professed it was "kids being kids" so, of course, that was a green light. When AH moved out it was a constant battle (more of a war) because I tried to set boundaries. They would call him and get "approval".....("she wants to control you!") One got went through a period of stealing. I told him, "take things back or I call the cops". Came home from work.....he had already moved bulk of his belongings out. He moved in with sister-in-law who also has a problem with consumption. (Stolen stuff was removed from my residence. Said it was returned......though I doubt it.) This all occured around 5 yrs ago. AH lives with mistress and togethor they run a tavern. Sons go there all the time and rarely come to see me. At present daughter is pregnant so she has quit for the time being. They know how I feel about all of this and that I refuse to give in to the alcohol and "do it their way". Yes, it hurts! However, I've learned to detach. They are young adults and each has seen the horrors of what alcohol can do. Regardless, of suggestions of counseling leaving it alone ect. they ignore it all. In their occupations, alcohol is prevalent.....the thing to do when socializing. I've learned I CANNOT CONTROL their decisions. So I no longer say anything. When they do come to see me they respect my home as alcohol free. Two of three always reach out and give kisses and hugs before we part with "I love you, mom." This is something that fell by the wayside during the turmoil when AH was still living with us. It is nice that the gesture resurfaced. ALWAYS I pray to God for them that alcohol will at some point be realized for what it is, what it has done. Use caution in your conversation with this young man. It may be interrupted as over stepping parental authority even though you are well meaning. For what it is worth.....I empathize with you. I will pray that God gives you the strength words and wisdom to cope with this. Wanda
I'm praying for all of you right now, and sending experience,strength and hope for you all. I went through simliar experience with my 17 year old son recently, and now he lives 2 hours away. We went through the arguing, clashing with each other. As a recovering alcoholic and a single parent it is very hard to watch your child go through this. They say that it's a family diease and I agree, but you know it's about growth, and how much one wants it.
It's been a couple of months now, and my son and I have now started to have a better relationship one day at a time, he still has some old tenacy's but is working on them as I am mine.
Things well in time get better one at a time, and don't give up on him. And my prayers are with you all
My son is 16 and living on the street. He doesn't drink but smokes pot if he can get it. His DOC is migrating from friend's house to friend's house. I tried many many times to control this. Gave him a car, put him in private school, spent tons of time with him, took him to AA meetings with me, had the police pick him up, just to name a few things. Nothing worked. I had to take the car away and stop paying for school. Just found that if he's not doing his part, well, I'm not doing anymore.....I finally put it in God's hands..... It will take him hitting his own bottom before he will change. In the meantime I have to take care of me....I think your friend is doing the right thing.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Ally, my parents and other family members tried to move heaven and earth for me, too. It's called enabling. They had to release me in order to for me to find my bottom. Had they not, they would have held my hand, literally, to the grave. As you said, the son has grown up around AA. He knows what's going on.
I also finally released two children who were adamant about their choices. Now my son has over three years in NA and is doing well. My daughter is clean also. They knew I was here for them when they were ready. I had to learn that a Higher Power is there not just for me, but for them also, and that Higher Power definately wasn't me. Control freak, yeah. HP, nope. So before I take someone else's inventory, I need to walk a mile in their moccasins. I usually find that my own back yard is littered enough to keep my nose out of theirs. chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
