You all know my story with the recovering A in my life... Well, to me It has been cat and mouse games...To him It's not, (bla bla). Anyway, I am no longer texting him, In the way I once did. I have been detaching from him, "Little by Little", but not quite ready to let go of him. Anyway he made contact with me on Friday, after five days of nothing from me. he wanted to see me, So, we met up, and talked, and talked, and debated..lol. At one point he said to me "oh see you's ******* Alanoners.......lol, I loved that. That to me means, he is no longer In control of the b/s he feeds me. He knows I'm working my programme, and am learning the lingo..lol
He said to me, "I have not had a drink since, bla bla, I said, no, but you still have all the "ISMS"...He shook his head and laughed...Of course, that was an open invitation for me to let him have It..lol. (which, I most certainly did In Ally fashion)...lol
So, after a few hours of going back, getting answers from eachother, we both decided we had been doing okay In the relationship we had, until he saw me changing, and wanting more from him, and he got scared. We talked about how I have changed, how I have lost the obsessive way with him, how I no longer wish to control him.
By this time the air was electric, and we were sussing eachother out. And then I said to him, It's went quiet, what r u thinking about... He replied.."That frist drink"....lol Meaning, should he walk away from me, or stay. I said to him, Oh, You mean your will or gods will, he said "Thats the one".....
Then he looked at me and said, You win..lol So we got intimate and It was lovely, being held again, feeling wanted, laughing with eachother, sharing thoughts with eachother.
Now I know you are all going to be saying "Oh Ally". But It Is all different today. I am feeling as good, as I have been. I have NOT text him, I am NOT obsessing over what happened. My new outlook Is. "Just for today" It happened. We both wanted It to happen. We made no promises, no expectations. We can live "one day at a time". Last night I went out to f2f, he stayed home.
I have listened to people's e,s & h, for months on this situation. And I appreciate they are only trying to stop me from getting hurt. But on the other side of the coin. Me and this guy, obviously have a great bond between us, going back 20 years. It has taken us 6 years to get to where we are.
So what If he cannot commit, So what If he's scared. Do we really need a comittment. He is working, I am working. He has his meetings,(he is back at them, woohoo), I have mine. He has his friends, I have mine. He has no interest In any other woman, I have no interest In any other man.
We are both working a programme, for 24hrs only. And If we can enjoy that day, and share time with eachother, have the intimacy, the cuddles, the shared conversations. Right now In our lives, I feel thats where we are supossed to be.
We discussed yesterday why things happen for a reason. Who knows why this Is happening for us. Yes It Is physical, I am not that nieve, but It's what we both want right now. (we have not been physical for 4 months) We are both quite reserved In that department..lol Was a few years before we had been intimate with anyone, for both of us.
I know I have been hurt by him In the past, I know I have hurt him too. But we keep comming back to this place. We trust eachother, are still comfortable after all that has happened. Most people would be hating eachother right now, not speaking. Not us....lol
So, "Just for today", I will accept this for what It Is. A friendship. I am NOT expecting anything at all from this, Not dreaming of a rosey future between us. I have grown up, can admit I lost It big time with him. I am no longer as cody towards him as I once was. And he can see the change.
And Also, this time he came back to me, I did not do the chasing....lol
Life Is too short, most of my life has been about some kind of pain, Avoidance, hiding from Relationships. So, I am happy with who I am becomming, I am happy with my daily life. My attitude to my job has changed. I no longer go to work dreading it. I now say to myself "Ally, It's gonna be a good or bad day, depending on your attitude, and what you chose to make of this day"..... I'm loving my programme, my friends @f2f and @ Mip.
I have a whole new family now, this guy no longer comes first in my life, my priority Is ME.... He has been knocked off his pedestal, from being way up high, he now sits about knee level..lol
"Life can suck, or Life can be brilliant" What One, will you choose "Just for today".
It sounds to me like the soul~searching you both shared has given you some peace, strength & reassurance, Ally. I have no opinion on whether this is good or bad. You have every intention of continuing with your journey & working your steps &, as we're told, our Higher Power will reveal to us our truths as we're ready for them. I hope your peace lasts. Intimacy is nice & I've been 3 & 1/2 months away from that too. Been feeling rather lonely for it lately & I know lust & sympathy can be a dangerous mix so I keep it out of the Fellowship. My old partner is still in the background though & I do have dear feelings for him. Besides the fact that we're living in two different countries, we have to continue to put recovery first. Can there be love without fear? I don't think so. It's like everything. I can only be as fearless as I am comfortable with myself. I am terrified of pain & discomfort so the fear lives on. But, I'm still hopeful that I can recover. I got 8 months on the 1st & didn't even notice. Been crying & scared all week with my job. Boyfriends haven't even come into it. Thank God! lol 'Just for Today' You're right, Ally. Keep the program close to your heart & even if your feelings change & you become fearful & scared again, speak to your Sponsor & make sure you're getting the best of A.A. before you think to share yourself with another. I don't know what the future holds for the two of you but I'm sure you'll find your balance if you keep friendship & respect at the forefront. Obviously with yourself first. Peace be with you, cariad, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
