I have been fantastic for a few weeks, really working my programme. I am back at work, working long shifts. It's 11pm, I am up at 6am, and I cannot sleep, my mind is racing, due to the A's behavor...
You know my history with this guy. We had a long time friendship that led to a physical relationship. He could not handle this, comittment. Since then, We have been kind of estranged. We had not set eyes in eachother for 5 weeks. I am working my programme, going out to meetings. He is not going to meetings, also he is staying in more, and isolating.
The thing I am really struggling with tonight. I text him last week, with a message of support, saying "a smile can mean one of many things, sending you a smile, what you receive from it, is up to you"...Because I have detached a whole lot from him, but I still love and miss him. I guess that was my way of saying to him, "Hey, someone cares"...lol
Anyway we live close to eachother, and a few nights later he text me to say, "no meetings tonight". As he can see my car, he knew I had not went out. I did go out, and had switched off my cell phone, so I never got his text until later that night...
My question is????? What the hell is going on here. We don't see eachother, or communicate for weeks, then hes watching to see if I'm in or out, and texting to ask my why I'm not out. Is this typical behavior, he is recovered over 7 years. Is this mind games?.. Does he really want to talk to me...Is he interested in where I am going etc...He senses the changes in me, my whole appearance has changed, I am looking great with the programme. I asked him why, he had never asked my how my new f2f was going, as he knew it was a huge step for me, he replied to text. "never thought about it, been busy", I know he has not been busy.
I met him tonight outside the house, he smiled at me and said, oh, your back at work, but he couldn't get away quick enough...What Is going on here..I am so confused. Should I ask him????? I am trying so hard to keep going, but this is so hard for me.
Sounds like he's been living in your head rent free, Ally! What a distraction. You're loving your program, right?? Everything a little perfect? Where's the fly in the ointment.. ? A~Ha! Still wanting control & to know what's going on so plenty of guessing & questions.. ! Hmmmmm I don't know, honey. I know estrangement from my Ex Ad Boyf did me the world of good & for him working his program in early recovery too. I guess I wouldn't be interested otherwise. I can't fix anyone & I only want people near if they're dealing with theirs. (Family are another thing but we're together for life, right? I try my best there but still have to go away & fix me first!) Anyway, you wanted some feedback. I'd say you may be looking for a little extra stimulation & playing with notions of what's going on with this fella's providing? Try not to worry. We can't know what's going on with someone else besides what they tell us otherwise it's fantasy. When I start trying to guess this stuff my head goes wild! When I settle down to what's going on with my stuff I find some peace cuz that's really only what I can know. If you want to talk with him you can invite to a meeting or a cuppa. Maybe he's simply preoccupied with his own stuff (whether that be linked with you in some way or not) It's simply best kept as none of our business. If he wants to meet for a chat then great let us know how it goes, if not, what have you got to lose? You're doing really well. Recognise your successes. Love & Luck, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi Ally! ((((hugs)))) I'm no Dr. Phil here, but I agree with both the above. It seems you are giving a bit too much thought to your relationship with this man. Talk to him and be certain of EXACTLY where you stand and either work at it or move on. Having thoughts like this, in limbo kind of, does not do well for your sobriety. It helps tremendously to have a clear view of where you're heading in all facets of your life. Make it happen.
Just my 2 cents and I wish you well...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Ive found that although hard at times, honesty and communication are important. We learn to not be afraid of honesty... to give it, or recieve it. Id suggest you be one hundred percent honest with him. Tell him exactly what you feel, and tell him that, for yourself, you need to know exactly what he feels. Pray for courage to do this... face to face.. take a deep breath, and do it. Ive had to do this recently. I needed to be sure that I was not causing any pain, avoiding future resentments, making sure my motives were unselfish... I explained it exactly like that... and the other party understood, appreciated, and was willing to return the same respect. It was quite refreshing to be able to converse like adults... for our common good.
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
Ally, hun, first off don't get upset by what I'm going to say, it's just my opinion and a little first hand experience.
Forget the fact the guy's an alcoholic, he's still a man, and his behaviour is 'typical MAN' - You're grasping at straws looking for hope that this guy "loves" you....By texting him first, you opened the door for him to communicate with you. "no meeting tonight" was probably the safest response he could come up with......my dear, sounds as if the guy is just not that into you, however, given the chance he'd be up for a little 'roll in the hay' and he sees this as a possible opportunity for that.
Please, please, please, move on with your life without this guy. God has a better plan for you..........you're in my prayers.
-- Edited by Doll at 06:13, 2007-05-30
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
As I was reading, this line struck me first, "I text him last week, with a message of support, saying "a smile can mean one of many things, sending you a smile, what you receive from it, is up to you"..." Huh? yes, a smile can mean one of many things,,, but what is he supposed to do now? Guess what you meant? Imagine what you meant? Project what he wants you to have meant? That is actually confusing.
It did open the door,, to what though?
Beyond that,, I agree with what everyone is telling you. And I have to copy and post up jeannie's reply for myself!
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Doll, I see where you are comming from. But the weird thing is he has NOT tried to get me into bed again. As he knows I will no longer dance to his tune...lol
He is a loner, spends a lot of time in his own company....Then all of a sudden, even if I don't text first he will text me.. My sponsor who is AA and Al-Anon, said to me, he has not let go of you yet....Same as I have not let him go....
I think we are as bad as eachother....lol
Well, I am considering talking to him.... But, I think I will wait and see if he gets in contact first......
